Monday, August 11, 2008

One Moment In Time

This time last year I was totally frustrated, this time last year I felt the true me was bursting to get out. I no longer wanted to stay completely in the closet but was so afraid of what would happen. I had visions of people being angry with me, ashamed of me to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. I felt and was so alone, scared, confused, people could be around me but still I felt as if I was in a vast desert with no one in sight for miles. I couldn't stand living this false straight life any longer, I was too tired to fight who I really was inside, the stories, the lies, the denials were all starting to fall apart and I could not take it any more. I wanted to tell at least one person I was gay, I wanted someone on this huge globe with billions of people to know the real me. I just could not get up the nerve and did not know how to get the sentence out. I could see the days passing me by and I was missing out on the many wonders of what being human was all about. I had never been in love, I had no one to share my life with and I had never really had a chance to take part in the every day gifts that being in a relationship brings.

One moment in time, one moment that changed the course of this ship. I had been wanting to tell my close friend Eric but I just could not do it. I felt so frustrated inside, over whelmed like trying to swim against a strong current. I had been so completely obsessed with hiding being gay, that I did not know any other way of life. One year ago tonight we were out for an evening and we bumped into a lesbian couple that I knew. At first I was afraid, he would talk about it after they left, he had started to notice that I never dated anyone, he might ask me questions and I did not want to talk about anything 'gay' as some anti-gay alarm might go off and the whole world would know I was gay also. He said he had no problem with gay people and then he asked, "what about you, are you gay"? One moment in time, in a split second my mind raced with how to answer. Do I say the usual "oh shut up I think you are gay" to pretend to laugh it off and change the subject. Do I finally take this opportunity and admit the truth, almost a gift handed to me as I will only be answering him. I was thinking if I say yes then there is no going back. Yes no yes no yes no, these two words were streaming through my mind at light speed. I almost felt dizzy, one moment, one moment in time, I closed my eyes and said... "yes".

A whole year now since I heard the first "click" of the closet door opening, a whole year since the weight on my shoulders began to fall away. For anyone out there in this process, my only regret so far is that I did not do it sooner. I remember feeling angry with blog writers who constantly said come out, that it is a type of freedom, however I see now they were right all along. Of course you have to do it in a smart way and choose the people who you first come out to but it is the right thing to do. I feel much happier and more relaxed with who I am and it may sound strange but I feel more 'honest' now around my friends, not like I am being dishonest by hiding something on them. One year ago today was my cross road, my moment where I decided a major change in my life and in that moment of time I am so glad I said the simple word "yes".

11 comments:

Anthony said...

Thank you. A post expressing feelings very close to my heart.

Coming out of the closet is perhaps the best thing I have ever done. I understand though, it is best done only when the time is right.

Anonymous said...

Wow the way you express yourself is how I have been feeling of late. I just want to yell it out that I am gay sometimes. Thanks for posting this.

A Troll At Sea said...

Steve-o:

Happy birthday.
My story is a leetle more complicated, but I certainly believe that the truth has set me free.

Now we can talk about what freedom actually feels like...

Cheers
T@C

Birdie said...

Happy birthday! Thank you again for sharing this journey with us. While some of us will never truly know what you have experienced, this helps us understand and support you and others. I'm so glad to have found your blog.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on 365 happy gay days, I hope many many more out & proud days may follow.

john said...

Amazing post!

Greg said...

Steven, this is great. I'm so happy for your anniversary. I remember what it felt like, after I told someone...this tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders...not having to lie anymore.

Coming out was one of the scariest things I ever had to do, and one of the most rewarding! Thanks for reminding me of that...

Creative Thinker said...

WOW! Thanks for sharing that with us. I wish you could know how very similar your story is with mine. I came out late in life - not even 2 years ago and I am now 39 Almost everyone knows, but there are those that still don't. I have found that coming out is a process. Every time I tell someone I am gay, I feel a little more empowered. All of my close friends know now and I am at the point of telling old friends that I haven't seen in awhile that might not be as accepting. But I am getting the courage to do it and it is empowering and refreshing no matter how they take it. I SO know how you feel. Happy Birthday and here is to an even better year two!!!!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post. Congrats on 1 year! Coming out for me was one of the best things and its been 3 years already. It took time to do it but it was something that gets done in one's own time. Happy happy. Much love.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you Steven and what you have achieved over this last year. Here's to more doors opening and more "yeses" in different situations you find yourself in.

Wayne said...

A year already! Good for you Steven! And as you continue to 'just be you' you'll find more and more people will either accept you or they won't. The one's that don't will disappear from your life. You can't keep everyone happy, gay or straight!