I usually do not do memes, I prefer to write when something is on my mind and I feel memes are not inspired. I find most to be too cliche and so I am just not interested in doing them. Over the last few months, some were sent to me and one of the questions I often see is "why do you blog?" There are many reasons why I started to blog but the main one was to help myself come out. Like some sort of cheap therapy where you people listen to me whine and complain instead of paying a shrink, plus at least you guys respond! I heard in therapy they just nod their head and say "hmmm" or "I see". I would not know however, because I never had to go to therapy, just wanted to be clear on that, nope nothing wrong with me... I think. Getting back to 'why blog' well I felt trapped in my own mind before I started to come out and sometimes I needed to see my thoughts or emotions out in the open. It was a release and also very comforting to have many people tell me that they were going through, or had gone through the same thought processes while coming to terms with being gay. Sometimes saying something out loud, changes how you view it compared to hiding it away.
Another reason was that I had become familiar with the blog community and saw how supportive everyone was to each other. I really had the need to connect with other gay men or people who were gay friendly. I had created isolation for myself and felt very alone, I needed the reassurance that I was not alone. The blog help me find a network of friends who gave me the courage and self worth to begin the coming out process. I began to see myself as just a part of society, regarding society as a whole unit, like different races or religions and not as a second class citizen or defective straight person.
I also wanted to blog because part of my courage came from being a lurker for almost two years. I thought since these blogs helped me, then maybe if I write truthfully about the struggles of coming out, maybe I can help someone else in the same position. I also noticed some of my favourite reads had stopped writing and so I felt I should do my part and pick up the torch so to speak.
Everything comes in a circle however and I feel that this blog's time will soon be up. As I said, the purpose of the blog was to help me work through coming out. I am not fully out but I don't think I will push it much more than this, no gay flag T-shirt or anything like that. I sometimes feel now like the blog is becoming a chore and often forced instead of inspired by a need to write. I think it has met it's purpose and there is not much more that I can add without being repetitive. There will always be new people to tell that I am gay, it is part of life. I don't worry about it the way I once did and so it just becomes dull if I always wondered what every new person will think. Regarding my relationship with Dave, most of the 'firsts' and the new-ness is over, from now on it will be a cycle of me going to see him and him seeing me. It would be a little silly to keep writing that we went to another gay bar, party, BBQ or that to get me out of bed, one morning he tossed the cat onto me (yes the brat actually did that)!
It never was my intention to start letting people into my everyday life, I did not want the blog to evolve into that as I am actually a private person. It started to drift that way but I find it hard and feel it is wrong as Dave did not sign up to have his life exposed. He does not complain but I feel it is a bit of a betrayal to his privacy, one of the reasons I do not post a photo of him. I am not saying this is good bye yet but I feel it may happen soon, because of the support and encouragement I have received from so many of you, I felt an explanation was due.