Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Time For A Change?

I had a very emotional weekend that started with confusion and ended with a feeling of relief. I had met some people through a christian friend of mine and they invited me out to spend time at a retreat camp with them. From my friend they all knew about my being gay and while there, they told me that they loved me and explained how I had been a good person but I now have strayed from the path I am suppose to be on. They brought back old memories of my struggles with being gay and wanting a normal life with a wife and children so that everyone would be happy for me. The good news is that they have learned new ways to change a person through a lot of prayer and support from being gay to straight. I had heard of this and always wondered if this would work, they assured me that their group had cured many homosexuals of their illness, being a religious group I knew they would not lie to me so I gave it a try. I started their program and they explained how they will change me back to the way I am suppose to be. By Sunday morning I really felt it was working, I could really get my gay thinking under control with the new thought techniques they trained me to use. I called Dave, I tried to get him to come and try it as well, he hung up and would not talk to me, I will give him a few days to calm down and then I will get him to come here so he can be cured also. This will give me the freedom I have so long been looking for.

They also gave me some lifestyle choices that I have to go along with in order for the change over to be complete and not reverse. I asked if anyone did reverse after being cured, they all suddenly looked at each other and snapped a strong 'no' so I just know this will work because I am sure a devout bunch of people would not make up stats or say something that was not true. They told me I had to turn in my ABBA, Enya and Sarah Brightman Cd's, they said it softens the male mind and causes him to take on female characteristics. They were very helpful in providing me with a list of approved harder rock and country songs, they really pushed for the country songs as some had a problem with the rock lyrics. They also went through a list of DVDs I have to get rid of, like 'The Sound of Music', actually they do not want me to have any musicals at all. They told me only movies that had a theme of religion, action heroes (that keep their shirts on), lots of guns or movies that have all three are highly recommended.

They did like my clothes, blacks, beige, dark blues and greens. They said dull and low-key earth tones are good to wear, so no pinks, yellows or reds, unless on a sports team then red is good as it should make me think of the other team bleeding on the field. They also warned me against wearing all black, I can only wear black pants or a shirt but not the two together. Their fear is all black could lead to being 'Emo' (yes I'm too old for that so shut) or reading poetry and that could cause a reversal. Absolutely no spandex, Lycra or anything too tight, flashy or stretchy. Just good old jeans (not cut up to the butt) and anything cotton or wool. Just a normal belt, it has to be black or brown. Shoes have to be bought because they were on sale or a really low price and not by the brand name, I am not allowed to care about brand names but I understand that and will follow it.

Same with food, just normal things like steak, hamburger, pork chops, hot dogs, potatoes, lettuce and chicken. Nothing with a fancy name or cooked by a French chef, even worse a french waiter that flaps through the restaurant like a butterfly, they told me to watch for that and leave if he makes me think of Clay Aiken or Tom Cruise. Only beer instead of wine and no drinks with fruit or umbrellas in them.

I was really skeptical at first, but after they told me that I was really born straight and something triggered my being gay, I just knew they would understand me and what makes me tick. I mean really who better to understand a gay person and how we think than a straight person. I feel bad about Dave being so upset at the moment but he will thank me once he is better and has his own family. I will keep writing about my progress so that I can keep you posted on how the treatments are working. I just felt that I wanted to share this new life experience with you all. It will be a new fresh start for me in this new month of April 01, 2008 and I hope you all support me in this.

18 comments:

Java said...

Just too sweet and clean, dear. I'm sure once you breathe free air again you'll be back to your natural debauchery. Say like tomorrow. I'm sure Dave is waiting for you.

Peter said...

I know it's April Fools Day, but ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND !!!

At last you've found someone who loves you unconditionally, being Gay can't be cured, only surpressed.

It's not an illnes you can cure with praying!

daveincleveland said...

hehehe...almost had me for a minute....then you said about getting rid of the abba music..no effin way.....
you make me smile

Scott said...

Happy April Fool's Day, Steven;-)

Kris said...

Happy April Fools!! I would have flown to Canada and beat yo' ass if this was true!!

Bear Me Out said...

If this is not an April Fools, I will pray for you.

If it IS april fools, think again. Not funny.

Steve said...

Ha ha, well I got cured as well. I pregnated three women right away and booked myself a nice family vacation. Fly over and we will watch a soccer match together, drink too much beer and go to a regular stripbar. Shall I come pick you up at Schiphol Airport? And do not dare bringing Dave!

Darth Gateau said...

Shoes in sales? There's a reason why they're on sale - BECAUSE NO-ONE LIKES THE BLOODY THINGS! No brand names? That's just sick.

Also... I almost think I'd rather be straight than think of Tom Cruise in 'that' way - he's just too wierd and a bit creepy.

Fab post tho.
Now that you've found out the groovy thing about men - we know that's something that none of us would ever want to give up! ;¬)

Zachary said...

Dork. ;-)

Jess said...

Hang in there! I alerted the Rainbow SWAT Team, and they'll be rushing in to rescue you shortly!

Happy April Fool's Day! I'm happy to say I didn't fall for it (getting wiser as the years advance... my years having clicked over one more on the odometer of life today). :-)

don said...

Youse is messing wit me foo! Climb back into that Dave Cave.

Naughty Confucius said...

You had me freaked out for like 3 seconds there.... lol....

john said...

April Fools!!

birdoparadise said...

You got me, you rat. For the first paragraph, I was saying, "No no no no no no no..." until I scrolled down to the end and finally caught on.

Don't get too proud; my son says I'm so easy to fool that it's no fun at all.

Get back to writing about Life With Dave!

Matt said...

If this weren't April Foll's Day, I would never read your blog again.

JON said...

Clever little essay my friend.
Never got me even from the start.
Good however.
Mwah from me to you and all yours.

Anonymous said...

I have to give you a hand at what an interesting set-up this was and to what detail you actually spoke. So you duped me well. But give Dave my best for me and have a great weekend!

Bill said...

Hey, me too, buddy!!!
I got married, and the little woman (as I like to call her) came with five kids, so I have a built-in family.

And her brother is so hot! Ooops...I didn't mean to let that slip.