Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Moving Right Along

After I wrote the last post about the possibility of being outed, I felt a little embarrassed and wanted to delete it. I did not however as those were my feelings and I wanted to show that as much as I try to tell myself that it is okay to be gay, I still have a lot of the same fears. Maybe that is a bit of regression but I also feel it would be dishonest of me to pretend that being gay was easy for me now. I wanted anyone new to the scene who feels unsure about dealing with their feelings, to know I am still often in that same position, I have not picked up a rainbow flag and started waving it around. I do agree with a lot of the comments, once the ball starts rolling, often it is best to get out of the way and just let it roll, of course it never hurts to control the direction a little. For anyone new reading this, it really helps to have supportive friends (gay or straight) and it is much easier for me now that I have Dave. I often heard that when you love someone it gets a little easier. I feel that is true as I don't want to hide my relationship with Dave, I want to tell everyone about it. Nothing came of the face-book slip, Elly felt really bad about it, I told her not to worry, I could see that she was happy for me and that is why she made the slip, I can't be upset because she was happy for me, I actually think it was sweet.

This week it will be two months that Dave and I have been going out, time flew by so quick. I stayed over at his place on the weekend and we went out to dinner and then dancing. Sitting in the restaurant together, I was very comfortable with Dave, the thought never crossed my mind about sitting there as a couple, last year I don't think I could do it. I would be worried as to who might walk in or would strangers figure it out and laugh about it behind my back. Now I don't really care, these people will not be there for me when I am down, sick or lonely, Dave on the other hand wants to spend every free second he has with me. He loves me so the others don't count in my world, I need to think what is best for me now and he is best for me right now.

The food was really good, there was a wide choice to pick from. While sitting there eating, he would often give me one of his playful winks, I love it when he does that. After we went to a gay bar and danced. Dave hates to dance, that is what I love about going to dance with him, I know he is doing it just for me. Any friends of his that find out we went dancing always say "this must be something special" because they are shocked. To be honest, and I hope he never finds this blog, Dave does not dance well, however because he is doing it to show me he cares about things I like, that makes him perfect in my mind, plus also it is kind of cute to watch.

Most of the guys were quite cute, all ages and we had a good time. Nothing major to mention here this time. When I was entering the bar one drunk older guy said to us "be careful, there are a bunch of queers in there" I turned to him and said "a bunch, okay good!" There was also a guy walking around with a leather mask on, the kind with the zipper on the lips, a dog collar, a huge flannel shirt and ass-less chaps, umm no he was not wearing pants or underwear! Dave and I were so proud of each other as we could pee in the washrooms, no more pee shyness! For the women that read this or men who never get this, some men (like me and Dave), if they have another man stand beside or behind them while trying to pee, it makes you so tense that your system closes your bladder, so no matter how bad you have to go, your body will not let you, even if you force. I think we could go because we would stand beside each other as back up. The problem with this was it attracted attention, some perverts wanted to watch as they must have thought we were going to do something. I was a little upset that the only guy to hit on me was a really old guy that came up to me doing something obscene with his lips.

The music was not that good, I am not a DJ but I think if you play boring dance tunes that clear the floor completely at least four times, you should have your ass fired. Maybe it is just me but if the song sucks and everyone stops dancing, then I don't think you should let the song run for it's full ten minute extended version, just a thought like I said I am not a DJ. If we are there to dance lets feel the beat, don't put on some crap that sounds like a kid playing a video game or something that sounds like competition for Enya. Not to be picky but a lot of the tunes were the same as the last two times I was there, in the same order and I know the song 'you spin me round' is a great dance tune from the 80s, plus it has the gay-trans connection, but it should remain a good memory left in the 80s only to be dusted off on retro nights. Okay rant over, it was the music that made us leave at one AM instead of two.

On Sunday Dave took me to meet some of his family. It was a huge moment for me as this was the first time to meet a boyfriend's family. Dave has been out for ten years and his family was supportive from day one so it was no big deal for them. In fact they talked mostly about family stuff and I felt a bit left out. Still it was a positive experience and I never felt like a zoo attraction to be stared at. I am back to working on my relationship with Dave, working on who I am as a gay man and not worrying about who saw what last week. There are more important things to worry about and as for life in general, I think I will keep moving along.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you didn't delete the last post. Because that "was you." Sounds to me like you are moving along in the right direction with Dave.....Woohoo! Your comment about how you may not have felt comfortable eating out with Dave "last year" brought to mind a comment a friend said to me when I felt the same way: "You eat out with men all the time for business. What's the difference besides maybe a suit and tie?" That relieved anxieties real fast!

I look forward to hearing about your dance lessons you'll be giving Dave. :-) (((Steven)))

Steve said...

I am also glad you did not delete your last post. You are moving forward at incredible speed but of course you will often fall back to old fears and thoughts. But by writing them down you may also help yourself because it will help you see it more clearly

Vic Mansfield said...

Thanks for keeping that post. It's me, too. There are still many fears, many things to get used to, still.

Closets are small places. It takes time to explore the rest of the house!

Java said...

Your progress is fantastic! I really like your attitude.