Last night I had a visit from an old enemy, my self doubt about my sexuality. It came in a wave of emotions, I was quite shocked with how strong it was and also in wondering where it suddenly came from. I was lying in bed with Dave and I had a feeling that this was not where I was suppose to be. That I was meant to be a man with a wife and family, not lying next to another man. That I am going against God, nature, the universe or what, I am not sure of. It almost made me tear up in frustration, I don't understand what I am suppose to do with this. I have known that I am gay since I was young so there is no confusion there. I have zero attraction to women so I could never attempt to fake a marriage, plus I could never 'use' another person for my own gain. I read about a lot of men who tried to lead that life but being gay will call you out sooner or later, so I know I made the right choice there. I don't understand God's plan or nature's mistake which ever it is. I am trying to do the best I can with what I have and I thought a relationship with a guy like Dave is the right path for me. Now I feel stuck again, either way I am going against the grain, if I date a guy then I am going against society, if I date a woman (never will) I am going against my sexuality. I will not go back to being single, I don't want to be alone anymore and Dave means the world to me. I did not say a word to Dave, I did not think he would understand.
Maybe I should not have been surprised, I guess these feelings may have been lurking at the surface and I was just ignoring them. Dave never pushes me, however sometimes I 'feel' like he does. I have to remind him that I just came out, he is supportive and understanding of this but sometimes where he sees no problem, I see a mountain. We did have a discussion before bed that may have helped trigger these feelings. I had just met a couple more of his friends and some times that unnerves me because they know right away that I am gay. I don't have my comfort wall of being able to gauge them first and even though they accept Dave and are happy for him, I feel that a stranger knows my inner most secret, one that I had guarded even from my closest friends for years. I know it sounds strange but it takes a bit out of me then that happens, meeting new people as a gay man that is. We don't argue (yet) but the discussion was he wants me to come to a party with him as his date. I have done this before and again this will be with a bunch of people from his work. The thing is some do not know he is gay and I told him I am not up to being his way to announce to everyone that he is gay. At first he did not understand and insisted that I come. I told him the truth, that I am tired of going to parties with all straight people that are strangers to me. I am tired of being the "gay couple" at the parties and BBQs, I don't want to be that accessory where people think their party was cool because there was a gay couple there. I know it is nice that he loves me and wants his friends to meet me but I reminded him of my coming out only a few months ago and said this is taking a toll on me. He then understood, he asked if it would be okay if some of his gay friends wanted us to come for dinner, I said I would like that very much, I think it would be more relaxing, at least I would not feel like a novelty. Dave's friends are great, they have known for years he is gay but not everyone at his work knows and whether kind or not I am not always up for this yet, I still find it hard. Entering a party as a gay couple makes me feel the large exposure.
I don't want to chicken out on who I am but I would rather ease into this life. Maybe that is why the sudden regression in thinking has returned. I have to work through this and banish those thoughts. As I said before, where am I suppose to go with this, someone or something made me a totally gay man and if that someone or something feels it is wrong, then it is their mistake, I am just trying to live with it the best I know how.