I Must Be Gay Because...

Still feeling lazy folks and feeling like I just want to be silly, but hey it is the holidays. I'm happy to see so many of you still with me however! I was laughing with a friend today and playing my game of "I must be gay because".

I must be gay because, even though my family has the Sound of Music on VHS and DVD, I still stayed up late on Christmas to watch it on TV. You will be happy to know that though it came close this time, they escaped from the Nazis again. Stupid brown shirts, you would think by now they would have learned the Von Trapps were behind the head stones, or at least guard the cars from the chop-shop nuns!

I must be gay because, today I spent half an hour ironing my top sheet so that it would look and feel crisp when I go to bed tonight, it must double the gay factor that I will actually enjoy the crisp sheet.

I must be gay because, the thing that has me down right now is the fact that the play Mama Mia came to my city but is sold out, so I won't get to see it, even though I already saw it before. Double the gay factor for knowing all the words to all of the songs in the play, and thinking that the rest of the world is finally catching up to me in appreciating the talent of ABBA. ;p

I must be gay because, I cry like a rain forest at the end of every sappy Ghost Whisperer episode when the people say their long long drawn out good byes. I am also thinking not too many straight guys probably watch that show, so I guess we double the gay there as well.

I must be gay because, I used the word 'silly' at the beginning of this post! That is it, nothing heavy I'm just keeping it light. There are enough bad things happening in the world at the moment so I want this blog to end the year on the lighter side. Besides that is the only fluff that is on my brain at the moment

Mini Post

Still feeling lazy but I will do a mini post today instead of being a total wind bag as usual. It all started when I was five, no just kidding not going to put you through that. The thing I want to talk about is what happened this morning, something minor but it shows me how far I have come in just six months.

This morning the guy I had met here in this city, called to say he was back from visiting his family over Christmas. We spoke a little and he asked if I would like to join him for brunch. Without a second thought I said yes, got ready and went out. While there we had a nice time discussing our Christmases, he was going skiing after and said to bad that I don't ski or I could have come along. Again the thing that makes me happy is that I am getting comfortable enough to just go out with a gay friend and then have a nice time. Six months ago it would have taken a lot to get me to go out with another gay person, plus I would have been sitting there sweating bullets thinking someone would, at any moment, walk in and see me there. As if by being with another guy they would know and start screaming at the top of their lungs, strange yes but the closet keeps a person from thinking straight... um no pun intended. I was totally excited to see him again and the thought never entered of being afraid or ashamed to meet. I'm still taking baby steps but they just feel right for me now, not like before. I can see now being in love and wanting to show off my boyfriend to everyone, before I would wonder if I could find a guy that would not mind hiding 100% and be my boyfriend at the same time. I'll keep making these small steps until I get exactly were I want to be. Meeting for brunch was something minor but when I think of the closeted Steven from this time last year, minor steps suddenly become major steps.

SORRY CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

Sorry, the staff at sooo-this-is-me ate too much turkey and is completely uninspired and much too lazy to post. We apologize for any inconvenience to our readers and would like to extend our warmest wishes for the upcoming New Year.

Please remember to drive safely, if you have been drinking have a designated driver, take a cab or sleep with the party host.

Christmas Wonder

Is there ever the same wonder and mystery to Christmas as when you are a small child. Everything is so real to you, the spirit of Christmas, angels hover all around, excited at the memory of the baby Jesus and silently lending their voices as we practice the Christmas hymns. Heaven and earth seem to move closer to one another in our minds. Going to the local school to watch the older children in Christmas plays and concerts and as small children we would never dream that the whole adult world is in on a secret about the north pole that will reveal itself to us as we get older.

The longest hours ever for a small child to wait through, belong to the night before Christmas. I remember feeling like mass would take forever, I had a bit of guilt about that but I was sure God would understand. When we would get home there was no problem getting us to bed, we understood that the sooner we went to sleep, the sooner Santa would come. We also knew he would get easily spooked if he thought we were awake and might not come so sleep we must. The trouble was sleep always took a holiday on Christmas eve, I would fall asleep but kept waking up every two to three hours. When I would open my eyes and see the darkness of a winter night, it felt like I was about to climb the largest hill, I was in for a long battle of trying to get to sleep only to have my hidden excitement snap me fully back awake again. I felt betrayed by sleep, it was suppose to carry me to the morning, to the point of running down stairs, it was suppose to erase the waiting. Lying in bed I would become aware of the noises down stairs as the large farm house would groan, click and bang as it cooled down for the night. This would cause me to stay perfectly still, I would strain to hear, maybe just maybe it was him placing our gifts under the tree, I had to stay still not wanting to upset or disturb him, very important to let the man finish his job. Finally sleep again.

I would awaken to the sound of something slowly making it's way to my room, still dark out but morning was drawing near and I knew it was my Captain in the war of getting away with things on our parents. Yes my older sister would sneak over to see if I was awake, or wake me which ever presented itself. We would stay there until the blue light of the earliest dawn appeared, this signaled we could go. Not turning on any lights and staying quiet we would head down stairs, a little nervous that a strange man had been in the house and also hoping if he was still there that he would disappear once he heard us coming. As we descended the stairs the Christmas tree would come into view. It was always so magical and breath taking to a small child. Sparkling from tinsel, angel hair and glass ornaments reflecting the soft morning light and gently moving from the currents of air. There they were, at the base of the tree, toys! We did not get many during the year if ever, but this was the mother load! He had been here, on went the lights as we dove in. There was a magic to these gifts, brought in a sleigh by a man who few knew about, one day being built at the north pole the next in my house, in that time of complete innocence you just never thought to question. Mom and Dad would come down and always give each other those little knowing glances when I would say how Santa somehow knew just what I wanted.

I think there is always a little of that small child in a lot of us at Christmas. I don't think there is ever another wondrous time for us like that again, I believe that is why people try to hold onto those feelings, often by recreating it for their children and grandchildren. I still have a lot of the things Santa brought me, throwing them away would be throwing my child hood away, my memories away. I hope this Christmas morning, upon first opening your eyes, that again you will have that innocent wonder of a small child.

Christmas Reflection

Since people are beginning to travel and move around for the holidays, I would like to take a moment and wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I hope everyone has family or friends that they will spend the following days with, I also hope you will be surrounded with laughter, funny stories and of course great food. I don't usually get caught up in the frenzy of spending and rushing around like most people. I believe and so does my family that it is about getting together, having a good meal and opening a few gifts. Just small things like sweaters, a book or Cd's. Of course there is mass the night before and I really do love the story of the poor family that had a baby in a manger that went on to change the world.

Some days I feel that I have lost my faith, while other days I feel it is silly not to believe. I do know this however, whether I am Christian, agnostic or become atheist, I will always take part in Christmas. That is not because it is just a fun thing to do, but also to honour that baby born long ago. You have to admit whether you believe he was the son of God, a prophet or just a really good and wise man, he has helped shape the world and shaped it into a much better place. Keep in mind that there is a difference between Jesus and religion. The concept that we are all equal was pretty much unknown at that time and human life was often worth nothing. He sowed the seeds into society that we matter, that everyone of us matters from the poorest person to the richest. That our lives are of equal value because they hold other riches that can not be measured in currency. Even today I believe the values he taught of equality, caring for one another and not hating your enemy are what gave us our freedoms. You only have to look at a non Christian country to see that equality is not a priority. I don't want to turn this into a religious post because I am not a preacher, however when you are celebrating Christmas, I hope you will take a minute to stop and think, because in a world where money, power and fame seem to be the measure of a person, no one has ever had as much of an effect on society today as that little boy born poor, in a manger. Merry Christmas and Peace on Earth.

Shock! How Did That Happen?

Even though I am gay, I do know how babies are made. What really shocked me is that so many straight people don't seem to know. I say this because lately every time I am trying to find real news, the web pages are filled with the latest earth halting story, yes the Spears tramp II is knocked up. At first I felt sorry for her and figured she will now be part of the feeding frenzy for the paparazzi. However what has my eyes rolling is how everyone keeps saying how this "shocked" them. She said how it shocked her, he said how it shocked him, the mother said how shocked she was, the old lady down the street was shocked, some guy in a far off country tending goats on a mountain side was shocked. Shocked how? What part of inserting your penis and ejaculating into a vagina causes babies, do people not understand. This may "shock" many of you but that is how babies have been made since mankind has walked the earth. Shocked is if Bigfoot walked into a mall, if Elvis came out of hiding, or if Clay Aiken turned out to be gay. A Spears having sex and being sloppy or careless about it is not shocking.

The next dumb thing that came out of this, is the statement, "I don't believe in premarital sex," um excuse me? Yes you do! If you did not believe in it, you would not be doing it. Reminds me of that famous quote "I'm still a virgin" while that girl's boyfriend was saying he was having the best sex ever? This is like when a person is caught drunk driving and then they tell people they believe driving under the influence is wrong, no you don't because if you thought it was wrong you would not have kept doing it until you got caught or killed someone. If everyone had of just said 'major oops' and then went on to concentrate on this child having a child I would never think twice about it, just don't come out with these ridicules comments, just because you have a hit CD or TV show, does not exempt you from judging others when you find yourself in the same boat. If premarital sex is wrong in your eyes, then it is wrong for you as well. If sex with another man is wrong in your eyes, then you better not get caught doing it with a stranger in a public washroom. Society has the same rules, detects hypocrisy quickly and you will only end up with extra egg on your face.

The last thing that made me laugh was this morning, a picture of the Spears mother looking like her t-shirt would explode at the breasts, was saying she is going to put her book regarding how to raise children on hold for now, the little brat in me wonders if she is changing the title from 'How To Raise Children' to the new title of 'How NOT To Raise Children!' Should become a best seller everywhere for people with daughters, read the book and do the opposite.

My Blond Moment!

I just had a blond moment and I am laughing so hard at myself right now. I can't believe what I did today and you can laugh at me if you want, no not 'with me' this time it is okay to laugh at me! This morning I knew the snowplow was coming to clean the entire parking lot so I was getting ready to dig out my poor little car when I heard him, he came early so I rushed down and started cleaning off the car before I went to dig it out. There was a lot of ice on it so I started the car to warm it up while I was digging it out. I am always paranoid about leaving the keys in the car, I always think what if the automatic locks suddenly lock themselves, then I said to myself, 'it never happened before and everyone else does it. So I brush off my car and "click", yes the doors locked themselves with the car running. At first I did not want to believe it, I kept trying to open the doors hoping it was just ice, but no they were locked. With the car running, the plow getting closer to my parking area and the shovel locked in the trunk which did not allow me to even start to dig myself out, I was in a panic. I ran the seven floors up to my apartment to get the spare set, then ran back down. Walking up to my car feeling embarrassed but relieved, I pressed the 'unlock' button, nothing happened, stunned I tried the other doors, still nothing. I thought if I could just dig out a bit, maybe the car would warm up more and release the locks, but when I pressed to open the trunk nothing happened. I was really under stress now and not thinking clear. I ran back up and called the company I got the car from to see if there was some hidden trick or if they had heard of this before. The lady was very nice, she said she never heard of this happening before and then asked me the most embarrassing question I ever heard, "did you try your key in the door?" "Umm no" I said sheepishly "there wuzz ice'n stuff" I said completely lying through my teeth to save what was left of my manhood, "I'll go try that now" and much to my relief and ego shattering embarrassment, the key worked! I don't think I have ever used the key to open the door since about a month after I bought the car. That is my excuse, if you care even a little about me you will accept it!

HOT GUY ALERT!

I went Christmas shopping today and when noon time hit, I just wanted something quick so I went to a burger joint, while there eating, a really good looking man about my age sat at a table across from me. Something about him made my gaydar start to beep! Don't get your hopes up because nothing happened but the thing is, we did that eye contact game. The one where I look at him when I notice him looking at me, then he shyly looks away and then me looking away when he looks back. I just wish we could all get together and create a signal, one that says "yes I am attracted to you" or "yes I am open to meeting you". It is so hard sometimes, now I wonder if he liked me but was too shy to say hello in case I was straight and went nuts in front of everyone, that is what certainly stopped me. Even it would be comforting to just know he is straight and the only reason for him to stare, was because he thought he knew me. We need some kind of gay hand signals (no jokes) that would help us to meet each other, without the straight guys catching on, getting uncomfortable and thinking their sexuality is being questioned.The next guy alert was when I was finished shopping and getting into my car (I remembered how to, this time), there was a nice Hummer parked near my car and if 'Hummer' does not get a gay guys attention then the plate partly reading 'Iteabag' should get it. That made me laugh, until I saw the young guy that came out and got in. F**K me he was hot! I said to myself "yeah buddy, you can teabag me any time!" I guess 'teabag' is more of a straight guy thing however, not too many gay guys would complain I think if a cute friend puts the boys too close.

Directly Towards Me

While speaking with one of my favorite blog writers about a post he wrote, John from Open A Window (click on link to see his post) told me about knowing something was different from as early on as four years old. This statement gave me a jolt, and like a computer searching it's memory banks I suddenly had childhood images and emotions flood back. I was a little shocked because I had to agree, even though I say I was around fourteen when I first admitted to myself that I was gay, like John I felt there was something different about me from a very early age. Even as young as four I remember I liked to play with either quieter shy type boys or girls, I could not understand why most boys wanted to play rough, and actually take part in games and adventures where the result could be pain. I felt something was wrong, a lot of times I could identify with girls but not boys. I did not play with dolls but I was fascinated with a neighbor's kitchen set where I could do dishes just like Mom! I did like to play with trucks but not to the same level as my male friends. I hated most sports and preferred to play tag or kick the can when there were a lot of kids over. Sports made me look clumsy and awkward and I did not want the extra negative attention. It certainly proves to me that I was born this way, I knew that something different was in store for me as a man but I did not understand what that was. It wasn't only me, a lot of neighbors, family, teachers also knew there was something different about me as a little boy but could not put their finger on it either.

I felt like a failure as a 'boy', like there was something damaged about me, something I wanted to change but did not know how. My male friends seemed so brave, so fearless, so strong and I felt weak and a coward compared to them. Everything seemed to make me cry easier than for them, I was always over sensitive to situations as well and was painfully aware of it. When I started school it became worse, that is when for me it showed up more. I remember as a little kid playing on the school grounds, hearing the words over and over, sissy, queer, fag and even though at that time they were not meant for me, I knew somehow deep inside they were directed towards me. I was not really sure of the meaning to these words but I was sure that they were meant to assault a guys masculinity, meaning less than perfect male, meaning someone like me. Life also gave me the card of always being half the size and half the strength of my friends. Some times even neighbors jokingly said "you should have been born a girl" but I knew it was meant in a back-handed way as well. It is a very hard blow for a child to get such an unsolicited cruel statement from an adult and often I remain cold to these people to this day.

As much of a failure being a boy I felt inside, it was double the feeling of being a failure as a son. I knew something was different with me but so did my father and he was not pleased. Yes I know a lot of you will want to write and say kind things like he loved me anyway, but I'm sorry that is Hollywood I grew up in real life. My Dad was very much the rough and tumble little boy when growing up, I was told many stories by older neighbors about the adventures he got himself into. I always imagine the way people congratulated him when he had a son and then must have scratched their heads later when my personality started to develop. As hard as it is for me to write this, I am sure he felt cheated from being stuck with a son like me and was ashamed of me, I know he was because many times he told me he was ashamed of me. I told John of nights when I was a kid, lying tense in bed, straining to hear my parents talking when my Dad was angry with me, I knew they thought I was asleep and I was fearful that I would hear my Dad say something like "why did I have to get stuck with him for a son" or "I wish I had a better son like Chris, Frank, or Jim, instead" I know he thought that often.

I think these past experiences are a large part of the reasons why I could not accept being gay. I saw it as a total sign of weakness and living gay would have been to give myself over to the image that I had been fighting my whole life. It is also part of the reason that I plunged myself into my work, staying late and working weekends. This way I did not have to deal with life, particularly a gay life and I could appear dedicated like a hard working man so that my Dad would be proud. It has cost me lost time. We are closer now my Father and I, he has mellowed with age, I think he sees me as a good person and understands I am more of an office guy than hockey jock. He calls just to talk now sometimes which he never did before. I worry now that if it should come up that I need to tell my parents I am gay, it will throw things back to the tense way they were before. However I have started on this path and it is the one that I will follow through. I have already had some of the hardships of being gay or trying not to be gay, so time now I think to experience some of the good things it has to offer, and yes I will now accept the experiences, the fun, the new friends that my gay life is sending directly towards me.

Is Romance Dead?

Is romance dead, did it ever really exist or did I just want it to and imagined it so. I sometimes think I am being too much of a romantic and looking for something that is no longer there, if it was ever there in the first place. Maybe a result of growing up with the Hollywood mush factory, regurgitating out love story after love story, cue Celine Dion singing about lost, forbidden or unrequited love. Especially in the gay community it does seem to be very rare. I am almost hesitant about writing this, for fear of stepping on toes and hurting feelings. I certainly would not want anyone to read this and feel judged, I am actually reallying wondering if I am being unreasonable or too prudish. Maybe I need to lighten up a little, maybe that is why I am finding it hard to connect. I just feel that the relationships and dating within the gay community seem to move so fast paced, that my head spins.

I have been reading (lurking) blogs for a while now, so I often followed along quietly as a person similar to me was unsure about being gay, coming out, dating etc. When I started writing I often connected with people of all ages in the same boat and I really enjoyed the feeling of finally belonging somewhere. I had these visions of us all finally meeting someone, writing about it, first date, forming a crush, first kiss, what that felt like and the progress of this into a loving relationship. However that never seems to be the case, it is more like one day a guy is unsure of his sexuality and then the next he is on the floor with a stranger. Maybe it is a guy thing, I really believe there are almost no real romantic straight guys, most only act that way to get the girl. I even see now that as girls get more comfortable with their sexuality, their relationships often start to resemble gay relationship. Meaning this, I once watched a show on relationships, part of the panel had two gay men on it. They were saying that often with straight relationships vs gay it went as follows. Straight people meet, get to know one another, start dating, then finally have sex, however in the gay culture, gay men have sex, meet, get to know one another and then date if there is some connection. I was offended by this at the time, but I think to a huge degree they were being honest. I think most straight men would do away with the romantic side if the women said one day it was no longer required, maybe that is why it seems easy for gay men to hook-up, there is no woman to say 'where are my flowers?' Was romance just a way of drawing out the dating process so that no sex occurred until after the wedding? With today's methods of preventing pregnancy and partial break down of marriage, is romance no longer required. It would seem that way as more and more girls hook-up on the first date.

I thoroughly enjoy and honestly like all the guys that I interact with (meaning you, yes you) through this blog, whether reading your blogs, you reading mine, comments etc, so again I just want to be clear that I am not judging anyone, or pointing anyone out. More like thinking I could be unrealistic in my expectations. Prince charming is not sitting by his computer waiting for me to put up my profile and he certainly is not sitting in a bar all these years telling good looking guys to back-off as he is watching the door for me to enter. Perhaps I need to get out and slam bodies with a few strangers before realizing that one is my match. The Catholic up bringing may have shaped my view on relationships, however we all know Catholic and gay don't mix, the only time they ever condone male on male sex is when one is a priest and the other is an alt.... okay okay I won't say it, my bad sorry! (Actually to be honest there were some very kind Priests and Nuns that watched out for us while growing up). Gay relationships might just be faster paced and me being too slow about it has caused me to miss them. Still I can't help feeling empty when I read about two guys meeting, having sex and then move on. There is to me a 'gift of self ' when being intimate with someone else, and I feel a stranger who has never proved himself to me, does not deserve that gift. That is just me being me and not thinking my way is better, I guess if you are okay with it, then that is a decision you have to live with. I wonder if the ones who wait for romance are the people that really sell themselves out by not being part of life. At least the others are out there living and trying to form relationships, the truth is also they are the ones most likely to find a partner, so does it matter how they found each other. Is romance dead, does it just get in the way, or did it ever exist in the real world.

I Lost My Ass!

I lost my ass, has anyone seen my ass? I noticed this morning getting out of the shower. It was my one good body quality, I used to have a good set of buns. Girls often liked to pinch, grab and tweak the cheeks. I did not mind the attention, it was all in fun and not harassment. It is gone now, I don't know when I lost it and I look like a lot of my Asian friends who keep pointing out that they have no ass or a flat ass. Hmmm, actually that makes me wonder if they suspect something and are afraid of me, why else would straight Asian guys be so eager to line up and show me they have no ass and then laugh about it. I should scare them with the comment "well there is still a hole in it right" if they suddenly look nervous I will know. Anyway back to the buns, oh wait a minute, there they are, they seem to have joined together, moved around front and up higher to my stomach! Skinny guys should not have a pot belly!

This whole coming out process has me a lot more self conscious about the way I look than I ever was before. I thought girls were demanding about good looks but you gay bitches are waaaay more catty! I was even reading a post where some of my favorite younger blog writers wrote about one guy not being good looking enough to have the hot boyfriend he had. Well look here you evil little gay children of the corn, maybe he just treated him with respect and saw him as more than a good ass or body. Naaah, we all know that is not true, the ugly gay guy was either rich, had a huge penis, was wild in bed or like the guys said the good looking one was a rent-boy. I just thought since I am not too ugly that the gay community would just open it's arms and be glad, or make that lucky to have me. Yes a little conceited of me but I was raised amongst straight men and was taught, gay men wanted sex with any man they could get. Well I have had my eyes opened. Just where did all these hot gay guys come from! When I was younger, even a lot of guys in gay porn were certainly not that hot. This makes me realize that a lot of the hot football, baseball, hockey jocks that teased us and put us down, were actually into penis as well. Thanks for making a lot of us feel inadequate, you bastards! Now here they are again making me feel less than, by being so frigging hot in the bars. Grrrrrrr, this means I will have to work out. I don't want to, I think I need to shape up before I start going to the gym. How embarrassing if an eighty year old lady bench presses more than me.

I could actually use a little help on clothes and shoes also. Since most of my stuff comes from Sears, the wardrobe is not too gay friendly for me going out to a bar and looking cool. Any suggestions on shoes? I was thinking black shoes go with everything, yes? What is nice and where to get it? What about clothes for a guy above thirty? Any suggestions are welcomed. At the moment I sort of look like a gay farmer dressed for church.

Sometimes getting into shape is harder for thin guys, most routines are geared towards losing weight, if I lose any more weight I will be a pile of dust like on Buffy "poof" gone! I think poof has a gay meaning for my English readers, ha! Anyway I guess I should join a gym, blah. I sometimes think I should take before and after shots to see if any progress is made, but there is no way will I put them on here. Like I said this means I will have to work out. The truth is I don't want to but if I don't get my cute ass back again nobody is going to want to tap it!

Stepping Out Further

I woke up early Sunday with an uneasy feeling, as if I had a dentist appointment. Then I remembered it was the big gay meeting day. I rolled out of bed and said to myself "it is only for coffee, should not hurt" and then stumbled my way to the bathroom. Ahhh! A big pimple on my nose, very funny life, throw that at me as well, you must have been saving that one for twenty years, just like you always sent them to me the day before a high school dance. I was trying to stay calm, we were just supposed to have a short meeting but I had to wonder what if we have nothing to talk about and sit there in awkward silence. Even worse, what if I get nervous and totally run-off at the mouth, scaring the poor guy off forever. I get ready, he calls and we agree to meet at noon. I waited out front for him, I felt like a high school kid. He arrived and we went in.

Sitting down, I was scanning him big-time. I did the "does not sound gay, does not look gay" check on him, yeah I know that is wrong and "my bad" but it is a habit I have to break. He was very easy to talk to and I felt relaxed after a few minutes. He talked about his art as a hobby, how he used to be in the army, his family, work and I suddenly understood that he is one of those people that you meet but feel you have always known. We talked for quite some time, he excused himself to use the washroom and while waiting for his return, I realized that I did not care about sitting in a coffee shop with another gay man. I did not care who would walk in, who might see me there with him or would the people around me know we were a gay couple. It felt good, probably one of the few times in a person's life not caring was a good thing. I could not help but think "wow you have come a long way from the guy that would not even say the word gay out loud." Conversation flowed easy and time flew by, he said he had to run some errands and I told him that I did not want to hold him up. He asked me if I would like to take a short walk with him first, I of course said yes.

After we returned to our cars he showed me some of his paintings he had in the back seat. While looking at them he mentioned he was going alone to see a movie downtown after his errands and then asked if I did not mind the running around, would I like to join him. Big smile from me and I said yes. I got in his car and as we drove away, I remember thinking "I hope he is not psycho and I guess I could take him if I had to get away!" We arrived a little early and so walked around again. We did the typical gay thing and watched the French film, Un Secret with subtitles in english of course. The movie was good but sad, based on a true story of a Jewish family in France during WWII. Again the whole evening I never worried about who would see me with him, just two people enjoying each other's company. It was getting late so he drove me back to get my car, we shook hands, and said it was nice to meet each other. I told him not to be shy and call or email me anytime.

I don't know if a relationship will come out of this meeting but I do certainly know that I want him as a friend. He was interesting, very down to earth and seemed a cool headed small town boy but mostly though because we spent the day together without ever mentioning anything to do with our sexuality and as for making a friend, one who also happens to be gay like myself, that speaks volumes to me.

The Reality of Us

Mostly this last week I have only talked about the mutual coming out between my friend Lyn and myself. We still have not gone to a bar yet, she is suddenly feeling nervous about it, I completely understand and will give her space, as her sister and I are the only ones she has told so far. I have not really mentioned that much about what else I have been up to. I had placed an ad on a local site for gay and lesbian people. I have met someone through the site, we have been emailing back and forth to each other and he seems really nice. I did not mention it that much because if he changed his mind on meeting then it would have been embarrassing to have to explain that here in this blog. We have exchanged pictures, he called me on Friday and we spoke on the phone for a while. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will go to meet him for the first time. I am a little tense, he will be the first gay man that I will meet who already also knows I am gay. Part of me thinks, wow I will actually get to meet a real live gay man, and part of me thinks, oh shit I am going to meet a gay man!

I am not sure where if any place I am going with this meeting. I did not want to put any pressure on my first meeting so I told him that I just needed a gay friend, someone to talk to. He said he is looking for a relationship but also friends. I said we can see where it goes and I am open to the idea of a relationship. However I told him that I don't feel ready for a relationship, if a person is ever actually ready or not, I think it just happens. I said it would not be fair for him to have to deal with my coming out issues. He told me that he is only out to close friends and some brothers and sisters. I feel a little more relaxed in that he is some what the same as I am with being out, low-key for now. He is a few years older, clean cut and not bad looking. Even if nothing comes of this, I hope to make a friend and open a door to other gay friends, more gay male friends that is, I am sure I must have hit my quota on lesbian friends.

There is part of me that does not want to meet him, part of me feels there is no reason to meet him, part of me feels that I am betraying one of the best friends I ever had (we'll call him John) and that is the reason for not wanting to meet the new guy, not out of fear but out of loyalty to someone far from me. I have mentioned before that I became close to another blogger, actually "close" is not a strong enough word for the bond between us. We can and do talk about everything, including this meeting tomorrow. I always tell John everything so that I can be as honest as possible with him. John knows that I would rather be meeting him but we both understand at this point in our lives, us being together is impossible, he said we have to accept the reality of us and I agreed, I have given up enough of my life already that I don't want a relationship where I only see him a few times a year at the most, that would be torture. As usual John was understanding and said something that really made me think. He said our goal when we became friends was to support and help each other to come out and lead the life we were suppose to lead. He said my happiness was the most important thing to him and that he supports me in this next step to living out of the closet. Now how can you not fall for a guy like that.

Homo-seXXXuality

One of the strange things I have to get comfortable with is finding guys attractive, when I look at a man with his shirt off and think "sooo hot" I always immediately feel guilty and turn away. I feel like I should apologize or I have done something wrong. It is still ingrained into my head that guys just should not be looking at guys. Even here in blog land, since all of you seem to be really hot so far, when I make the comment that one of my fellow blog writers or a reader is good looking, there is still that slight fear that they will write back and ask "what is wrong with you, are you queer?" It feels funny when I am with a friend who knows that I am gay and they ask while watching a movie, "do you think he is hot?" I always am startled by that and instinctively want to say "how should I know?" There is slight pleasure in being able to say yes I do or no I don't. It feels great not to always be guarded, the other night while on the phone with my friend Lyn, she mentioned about a past boyfriend of hers and how she felt confused over not being attracted to him, even though he was really good looking. Without thinking I made the passing comment "oh yes Mike was really good looking, he was hot" there was silence for a second and we both burst out laughing, she said it sounded so strange to hear me say that and she will have to get use to it.

The truth is that when it turns sunny and warm here, I am in total anticipation because the guys especially more so than the women, want to show how tough they are by stripping down. When I walk out in the late spring morning and it is getting sunny and hot, I smile a little because I know the shirts will come off and the pants will be changed to shorts. It is even strange for me to discuss guys with other blog writers. It feels funny especially when discussing it with bloggers who don't really blog about being gay. I have to keep telling myself, it is okay he has the same feelings, he understands, the same attractions are there. It felt really good one afternoon to email back and forth with a blog friend about what we see attractive in a man, favorite male body parts, the type of guy we like and he sent me pictures of a man he finds attractive. It was good to feel like I have joined the club and able to have this talk. The kind of talk straight guys do about girls all the time, now however I was really a part of the conversation, and not just playing the part of a straight man with no real interest in the conversation like I once did. Still there was a feeling like a nun was going to burst into the room at any moment and ask me what I was doing.

I tend to stay away from sex and sexuality on this blog as it is more about my coming out process. I also wanted to be a little decent and respectable in the eyes of my readers because that is part of who I am. Thinking it over however my sexuality is also part of who I am and I want to explore it and celebrate it. I do not have any brothers, I grew up in the country and I never played on a sports team so it worked out that I never saw another guy's penis until I was twenty four. It still holds an electric charge and a bit of wonder when I do see another man's penis, whether in a picture or a live person. As if I am allowed to share something intimate with him, a type of vulnerability that lets me see him exposed and not just physically. Also at the same time a taboo that I am not suppose to break, an unwritten code between men, we are not suppose to look. However I am gay, not only can I look but if we were to become sexual, his penis would be my main focus. Here comes the warning section to this blog, I am going to put links to sites that I enjoy looking at so if you are offended by gay sex or nudity do NOT click on them! If you are under age don't you dare or I will track down your mother and tell her!

Okay here it goes, things that Steven likes, straight men or gay men acting like straight men being homo-erotic. I don't know if this is true, but you just have to see this! Maybe Jess or one of the blog writers from England, do you know if this is a true documentary about a rugby team? So hot! Then there are guy's bums or buns, I just love me some buns! If you have not looked at Jon's site check it out! He has great man bum down the side of his blog, caution if you scroll down to the bottom you will see guys that are half donkey and you can guess which part of them is donkey! One day I stumbled onto this artistic site and liked the different choice of models he sometimes uses, not the usual under twenty, shaved guys. There are many other blogs and sites that are good also so don't feel left out. If you have a favorite and want to put a link in the comment area feel free, this is gay guy talk and we can share, like a gay locker room! No girls allowed, well unless they also know of a good site!

Update, it seems the rugby clip has been removed, too bad really, it showed a team that was really bonded and when they had a lot to drink went really wild and would do all sorts of crazy homo-erotic things to get women's attention. It looked very real like a documentary and not acted like a porn film. To bad I wanted to share it with you guys.

Can Everyone Agree Not To Be Alone

The last few days felt great, I did not post because there are a number of things rolling around in my head at the moment and it is hard to pick one, put it down and not make this post appear jumbled. Well here comes jumbled, sorry I will probably jump around here so try to keep up. The last few days have been spent talking with my friend who came out to me. Mostly making plans, we did not actually go to a gay bar. The reason was since we did not get home until almost three, we were drained the next day, most people over 30 will understand this. We were going to go the following day but the area is suddenly gripped by wicked snow and ice storms so we decided to wait.

Last week through the wonder of You Tube, I found a cool video of a song I like by the band Filter, called Take A Picture (click on link to hear the song if you want), they are not gay but many lines of this song speak to me, "I feel like a new born" for example but the lines I like the best are "could everyone agree that no one should be left alone" and "could everyone agree that they should not be left alone". I really believe that, no one should be alone, whether it is a relationship with man-woman, man-man, woman-woman or trans-man/woman, as long as everyone has someone to love and love them in return, the thought of any of my friends in the real world or blog-land alone makes me sad, and that includes myself. My friend Lyn is now in the same place that I am coming out of, she is wondering why she hid for so long and is mad at society for making her feel like she had to hide and now has missed a part of her youth that she can never reclaim. Why can't people just agree that no one should be left alone. If they have a problem with gay people then just stay away but don't interfere with our lives. I really believe when people say they are trying to help us by changing us or pressuring us into false marriages, it is just to get us out of their sight. They don't want to have to deal with anything that is a little more complicated than the usual, most people are afraid of seeing outside the box, yes that phrase is used all the time now but their idea of outside the box is very ironically still inside the box!

We both wonder why we were so afraid to come out, I felt more ashamed than afraid. We both have to work through this and it will help to have each other. The strange thing is we knew that we could trust each other but still hid from one another. There were also some mutual friends that we could have told but for both of us we were only obsessed with hiding. She had gay friends while I had lesbian friends and yet we never told them, in fact we were a little afraid of them. I joked with her that we can swap friends, she had a good laugh at the story of me in a house full of women and said I should have taken her along. I told her that was the real reason I did not like the gay couple, I see it now, it was because I was afraid their gay-dar would go off and point towards me. The whole pointless thing to this hiding is that most of our family and friends were already sure and loved us anyways. Once you hit thirty and have never dated or were even interested in a relationship, people will suspect.

Lyn has been filling me in on some interesting updates about people. One of note was a younger friend of mine, I said to her that I know he will have a bad reaction when he hears I am gay as he had a bad reaction to another friend of his. She laughed and said don't worry that he changed his attitude so much that he was the best man at his friend's gay wedding. She also told me something that made me a little sad, a guy that I knew and was friendly with but passed away at a young age, may have been bisexual. I felt sad that we could have become friends and it would have been great to have a good guy like him as someone to talk to, now I will never have the chance to know.

It is hard to say much now as everything is in process of who else we tell what we are going to do etc. I have also met someone through my ad that I placed, I don't really want to say much now until I see where this goes, no point in building up a story that is not really there. A lot to think about. I just hope it stops snowing enough to let me go and be gay, because I agree with the song, I don't want to be left alone.

Life Assembles

Life assembles sometimes like a puzzle, piece by piece which at first, looks like a mess to the person trying to fit everything together. Until you get that lucky break, that right piece that lets you see the picture that is beginning to form before your eyes. Finally you feel that there is an end in sight.

I have returned from my Christmas party and I did have a blast but it certainly did not turn out like I thought, it had an even stranger twist to it that was unexpected. My friend Lyn came and picked me up, I had it all planned out on how I was going to tell her. I was going to say something like, am I suppose to be her boyfriend at this party, I knew Lyn would be embarrassed and say no. I was then going to say that she was missing the one thing I look for in a date, a penis. Lyn has a few gay male friends so I knew it would be okay with her. I could see doing it and writing it here for a good laugh. However it went more like something I would read in my buddy K's blog I have to admit it. We were on the way there and I asked the question "am I suppose to be your boyfriend" she laughed and liked I planned became embarrassed, Lyn said no she told everyone we were just friends, I was about to set her up for my penis punch line when she added, "um I am not really attracted to any guys, mostly just girls." Huh? Wha? What? Me totally stunned for a few seconds asked if she was joking. She said no, no joke, that she was attracted to women. We did the 'are you kidding', 'no I'm not kidding' routine for a few seconds. She said that she considers herself bisexual, but is mainly attracted to woman. She said that she was finally learning to accept it.

I told her I am behind her and then started to laugh. I said "this is so funny because I was just about to tell you that I am gay" she looked at me shocked and we went back into the "are you kidding me', 'no I'm not kidding you', 'are you serious', 'yes I'm serious" routine. I said this is so awesome! I can't believe what she said next! She told me that she wants to go to a gay bar, but does not want to go alone and then asked me if I would go with her. I almost screamed with joy. I told her that I have been wanting to go for a while now and was looking for someone to go with me. I know of a really nice gay bar that caters to both lesbians and gay men equally, it is quite popular. I am trying to get her to go this evening, woohoo! Now on to the party and more crazy shh.... stuff that I could not believe.

I told Lyn that I wanted to tell her sister, who is also a good friend of mine and would be at the party. She told me that even though her sister is cool with gay people, she was having trouble over the fact that Lyn likes women. I said maybe I won't tell her then. She hit me with this. She said for me not to worry, that her sister thought I was gay, was waiting for me to tell her and did not care. She said the gay guys at the party also do not know she is bisexual, even though they are close friends of Lyn. I said I would stay quiet then so as not to make Lyn feel uncomfortable.

The food was great, conversation was wicked, I had a bit of a buzz, and the gay guys were at their finest. It is what I suspected, that I was uncomfortable around them before, because of what I was trying to hide and of what they represented for me. They were hilarious, the life of the party, really sweet and I think maybe they received the signals I kept sending them. They said they may have a party and wanted me and Lyn to go if they do. I would so go in a second! There were straight couples there I did not know, but I felt comfortable because they were very loving towards the gay couple, both women and the straight men. I wanted to come out to more people but held back because of Lyn as she did not want to talk about it at the party. The final to cap off the night was the conversation between the two straightest guys there. One guy said that the gay couple are great guys and he really liked being friends with them, that they could joke around about anything. The other guy is Lyn's brother in-law and also my friend. I was worried how he would take it if I told him, that is until he was telling us about the gay wedding he went to, where his friend a trucker (who looks like Ben Affleck), married a transvestite. Huh? Wha? What? He went on to say how the trucker and him had been friends for years and everyone deserves to be happy. I kept thinking I must be dreaming, when did I fall into such a gay positive world as this, pinch me. I am too excited to sleep! It gets even better but enough for now.