This Wednesday coming is the big day for me, that will be the day of the dinner party. It falls on Halloween, however it is not a Halloween party. I don't feel nervous at all about it, I am actually looking forward to it. I think it will be awesome to be in a room with gay and gay positive people, like in The Chronicles of Narnia I will finally step through the wardrobe door and into my own world, one where I belong. Even if nothing comes of it, I think it will help me get comfortable in my own skin. I have no expectations, I am just going to meet some people and if we hit it off then great, if not then I just keep trying to find my place in a gay world as well as the straight world. I will know some people there so it is not like I will find it totally overwhelming. My hope is that even though I may not meet the kind of people I want to hang out with, they may know people that I could click with.
I have been looking around my city, on line of course as I'm still too chicken to go out, to see what is out there. At first I was a little disappointed at what I was finding, surfing around I found mostly clubs and places that seemed to cater to hook ups or meat markets, some looked like the bar scenes out of Star Wars, not into heavy piercings, tattoos and leather harness, also from the comments I read, a lot of the attitudes around places like that were what I would describe as bitter. I discovered I was not looking in the right way, I stumbled onto sites with clubs for hiking, skiing etc. The clubs appear to be just like the clubs in straight land, the people running them seem nice enough. I think getting into something like that would be easier, less pressure to meet someone but then as I get to know people maybe something could develop. I started to enter my name onto a dating site, the site I think is decent and geared more towards relationships for gay people instead of the meet and bang type. Then I chickened out, maybe for fun I will try again this week, just to see if anyone responds. I also want to check out a gay book store I know about, no not that kind of book store, a real book store. I want to read a gay romance novel, where two guys fall in love and live happily ever after. At least if I can't have that I can daydream about it.
For those of you that read about my one and only boyfriend Billy, tonight I told him about me only coming out this summer. He was surprised, he figured I would be in a relationship and never thought I was still in the closet, he did not understand why but he was happy that I'm working on my coming out. He said he will be staying in my city for a week on business and we can get together to catch up on old times. I still did not apologizes yet for running like a scared rabbit but I will soon. Telling him today was the beginning of where I want our heads to be at when I apologize. I wanted to check in with him to see if his house was close to any of the wild fires that are out of control in California, he is fine however. I want to get everything out of the way before he comes here, that way we can just hang out in bars and clubs together. Hang out like we should have done years ago.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
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THE gay novel is of course Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin.
I hope you have a smashing time at the party and meet some people. Don't you have something like gay.eu on your side? It caters for everyone, young old, those looking for a chat or people who are just interested in the news. Low threshold, and no pressure to get involved with stuff you don't want to do.
Thanks for the novel suggestion Pete. Maybe we have something similar to gay.eu but I just don't know about it yet.
sounds great have a good time with him getting to know him dinner would be sooooo great
good for you! Have fun. Now the important question, what are you dressing up as?
Well Matt I was thinking of going as a straight man! So I guess shorts, sandals with knee socks? No kidding, it is not a dress up party.
I hope you do get the chance to spend time with Billy. We don't often get the second chance to make things right with people from our past. He sounds like a nice man.
Have a great time at the dinner and just enjoy yourself, don't stress!
LOL I know you were just kikiddin! But it did spur me on to write somthing down. LOL. HECK YEAH I DECORATE FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!! I have a ton of pumpkins, corn stalks, and gravestones in the yard. It is my FAVORITE HOLLIDAY! Well... along with Christmas.......
We don't go so crazy for Hallowe'en in the UK - it's a shame. Looks like brilliant fun.
Have a great time. I know they will love you, just as much as your pals here in blog land.
Tell us all about it when you can.
it's good that you are approaching this with no expectations. You may end up coming away surprised. :-)
Dave your right, I think dinner will be great also.
Bill, I know what you mean, I never thought I was ever going to get this chance.
Kendall, thanks but actually I'm not stressed - yet!
Justin, so are we going to get to see your Halloween decorations on your blog?
Darth, you guys are missing out on a lot of fun, however I go through periods were some years I don't even notice the day.
John, I intend to fill everyone in after, good, bad or boring.
Steven, I thought go in with no pressure and what ever happens will happen, at least they will have my favorite thing there - food!
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