This Wednesday coming is the big day for me, that will be the day of the dinner party. It falls on Halloween, however it is not a Halloween party. I don't feel nervous at all about it, I am actually looking forward to it. I think it will be awesome to be in a room with gay and gay positive people, like in The Chronicles of Narnia I will finally step through the wardrobe door and into my own world, one where I belong. Even if nothing comes of it, I think it will help me get comfortable in my own skin. I have no expectations, I am just going to meet some people and if we hit it off then great, if not then I just keep trying to find my place in a gay world as well as the straight world. I will know some people there so it is not like I will find it totally overwhelming. My hope is that even though I may not meet the kind of people I want to hang out with, they may know people that I could click with.
I have been looking around my city, on line of course as I'm still too chicken to go out, to see what is out there. At first I was a little disappointed at what I was finding, surfing around I found mostly clubs and places that seemed to cater to hook ups or meat markets, some looked like the bar scenes out of Star Wars, not into heavy piercings, tattoos and leather harness, also from the comments I read, a lot of the attitudes around places like that were what I would describe as bitter. I discovered I was not looking in the right way, I stumbled onto sites with clubs for hiking, skiing etc. The clubs appear to be just like the clubs in straight land, the people running them seem nice enough. I think getting into something like that would be easier, less pressure to meet someone but then as I get to know people maybe something could develop. I started to enter my name onto a dating site, the site I think is decent and geared more towards relationships for gay people instead of the meet and bang type. Then I chickened out, maybe for fun I will try again this week, just to see if anyone responds. I also want to check out a gay book store I know about, no not that kind of book store, a real book store. I want to read a gay romance novel, where two guys fall in love and live happily ever after. At least if I can't have that I can daydream about it.
For those of you that read about my one and only boyfriend Billy, tonight I told him about me only coming out this summer. He was surprised, he figured I would be in a relationship and never thought I was still in the closet, he did not understand why but he was happy that I'm working on my coming out. He said he will be staying in my city for a week on business and we can get together to catch up on old times. I still did not apologizes yet for running like a scared rabbit but I will soon. Telling him today was the beginning of where I want our heads to be at when I apologize. I wanted to check in with him to see if his house was close to any of the wild fires that are out of control in California, he is fine however. I want to get everything out of the way before he comes here, that way we can just hang out in bars and clubs together. Hang out like we should have done years ago.