Yesterday evening was spent as it often is, with me and a buddy laughing and snickering for hours like school boys up to something. I was going to post today what we were talking about but since last night I suddenly felt that I was missing the point, like talking about a street lamp while standing under a night sky filled with stars. The point is who I was talking with, someone who has come to mean a lot to me, as much as any friend I have here, as much as family. We both blog, that is how I met him, I have been reading his blog for over a year now and we are at the same level of comfort with being gay. After lurking around his blog for months I felt a connection and contacted him, he was easy to talk to, very kind, we had a lot in common and we became friends, I really needed one and he certainly came through for me. The first month or so we can laugh about now, but it was basically poor him trying not to spook me off since I was so closeted. We both felt like we were forced onto this journey and so we could follow the path together. He is quite a distance from me and at first that was a comfort, I would have been terrified if he had suddenly showed up at my door. He is also another reason that I began to feel comfortable with coming out, I felt if someone like him could be gay, then being gay must be alright and not something bad or wrong. We began to chat and he really, really pressured me to send him a picture, OK no he did not pressure me but I know he is going to read this and I wanted him to jump a little. He sent me a picture of himself and told me whenever I felt comfortable I could send him one, so I thought I need to trust someone at some point in time and I did.
We began to talk to each other for hours instead of chatting and that brought us closer. I'm not sure when it happened, I did not see it coming, but sometimes I would be at work and would find myself wondering what he was doing at that moment, or something funny would happen and all I could think of was getting home so I could talk to him and tell him. I started to realize that there was a different feeling towards him than some of my other blog and email friends. At first I tried to deny it. I think long distance relationships are not practical, they are doomed to failure and are better left in romance novels, so imagine my surprise when I realized I was taking a nose dive into one. I remember him once telling me about meeting a new friend, how he thought that friend was gay and wondered how he could know for sure, the whole time he was telling me this, I kept thinking, no you don't want him, you want me, and then I knew for sure I was in trouble. Finally one day I told him how I felt, that I was not sure what, if anything we were suppose to do about it. Part of me even hoped he would say maybe we should break off contact, that would have been easier. Instead he said he had the same thoughts. At first the distance was a comfort but not anymore, I'm not afraid to meet him in fact I feel like I have been separated from an old friend and miss him all the time, even though we have never met in person.
Well that is where we are now, I find it difficult to be so far apart. The little things bother me, if something good happens I can't be there to share in the joy and if something bad happens I can't put my arms around him and say things will get better. I think the whole thing is crazy until I hear his voice and a sudden feeling of calm comes over me, he sends me little messages that he is thinking of me or is missing me and sometimes that is what I need, to know someone is thinking about me. He says he cares about me and sometimes it makes me dizzy and I have to put my head on my desk to stop the spinning feeling, he tells me I look cute, I tell him he needs glasses, he builds me up as brave, I ask him the sky color in his world. He can make me frustrated, drive me crazy, twist my words but I find that cute about him and even if I get upset with him we usually are laughing.
When I started to write this blog, I wanted to meet other people who were coming out and I also wanted to see if anyone would be interested in what I had to say. I decided not to tell any of my blog friends that I was writing, at least for a little while, that way I knew the people who did read it were reading because they were hopefully getting something from it and not because they felt obligated to read, if that makes sense. That is why I have not really mentioned my mystery blog buddy before now, yes some of you know who it is so shhht! We are not sure where we are going to go with this, we talk about meeting, I confess I'm stalling for fear that he will not like me and I don't want to lose the friendship. He is the reason I tell people not to fix me up because to me it would be cheating. My friends ask if I did this on purpose to avoid a relationship, maybe at first but not now. When we talk, we keep it going for hours, I don't want to stop, I think just a few more minutes and when we say bye, it is like a heavy door closes and I'm alone again, you're so far from me, wish you were here.