Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Billy Part II

To pick up where I left off, the small recap would be that a really great guy (Billy) asked me to go out with him and I over thinking everything, said no. He understood, I was not ready. He was really good that way, in being patient, he never became angry or frustrated with me or at least not that I saw. One day while at his place, he was showing me things in his room, a way for me to get to know who he was. I looked over at him and he was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, and had a funny grin on his face. I asked what was up, he sheepishly asked me, "can I hold you" I thought about it for a second and agreed. I leaned back against him, he put his arms around me and we stayed like that for a long time, lying on the bed talking and that was the beginning. The hurdle was that we both had straight room mates, so it was hard to meet and be together but it also gave it a little bit of excitement. We took it slow, just kissing another guy was huge for me and I did not want anything else in the beginning. We tried to find places where we could spend time alone together, one night we were kissing like crazy in a park after dark, we did not know this was against the local law and we nearly died on the spot when two cops pulled up and caught us. I thought for sure there would be a report in the local paper the next day with our names printed on the front page. Billy would just laugh and say one day we would look back and laugh about it. It was good being part of a couple, now I did not have to go places alone. We would pretend to be just going places as friends, however I would feel electric when we would drive somewhere and he would hold my hand in the car on the way over. Sitting in restaurants we often touched knees as a sign of connection, a secret way of saying I'm here, I'm with you.
Finally his room mates left for vacation and that gave us his house for two weeks. I have a memory stored away all these years of one night when I was staying over, and I used to draw on that memory when I needed it. This may sound strange to some of you but even though we slept in the same bed we still were not sexually intimate. I remember we talked in the dark until late in the night and finally we fell asleep. An hour or so later I woke up again. I realized that I had rolled with my back up against him, I quickly moved away from him as I would normally do if touching any guy. Then it struck me, it was OK, I could touch him, lean against him, in fact it would be where he would want me if he should wake up. I slowly rolled back into him, I allowed myself to feel his warmth, to listen to his deep breathing as he slept, I could touch another man, the sky did not fall, the world did not split and fly apart. I had to sit up as a sudden euphoric feeling came over me. As my eyes adjusted to the night I could see that Billy was sleeping in the nude, I was uncomfortable with him doing that but he would laugh and say I could sleep on the couch or floor as it was his house, I think he would also do it to tease me. He was sleeping on his stomach with his arms folded under his pillow, the moon was reflecting off his skin, it took my breath away, his shape sculpted by moon light, glowing, muscles defined, not erotic but beautiful like a statue. I remember staring at him, his sleep so peaceful. I remember feeling protective, like I wanted to watch over him. Then it hit me finally for the first time - I had a boyfriend - I had a boyfriend! I never thought I would find anyone, I was no longer alone, I was part of something greater than an individual. I closed one fist in the air and whispered YESSSS!
My problem was never when we were together, yes of course we had small arguments but none that I remember now. It was when we were apart, I would begin to panic. What if people found out, it had been burned into me that gay was bad! Once we became serious people would start to guess, Billy was braver than I was and he began to tell people. This really frightened me, I cared about Billy but I did not want to be gay. I was also filled with doubt, I was afraid that one day he would say "now that I know you, I no longer want to be with you". Sometimes we were not able to be together for days and without the connection I would want to get away from all the pressure, it was however pressure I was putting on myself. The beginning of the end was when I took a job in the area that my parents lived in, it was my way of running, I would not call him for weeks. We did sort of hang out back and forth after that but the damage was done. Once while coming out of one of my denial periods I called him, he no longer worked at his old job and he had moved. I knew head hunters from England and the States were always trying to get him to work in companies there. We had no mutual friends so there was no way to track him down, and believe me I tried because once I realized that I lost a good friend, I suddenly understood his importance to me. I also felt a strong need to tell him how sorry I was for the way I treated him and to thank him for the great lifetime memories that he gave me. That was over ten years ago and I slammed the closet door shut after that, sealing it until now. I do not know what happened to Billy and I never found him again, that is how this post was suppose to end, because I knew one day I would probably talk about this part of my life. The thing that suddenly changed over the last few days is that I actually finally found him! I was happy to hear he is doing quite well, he is down in the States and has a great job, however most importantly I will get to tell him what I really feel I need to tell him.


Steven said...

What a beautiful entry today! It was filled with so much emotion and feeling that I felt I was in the same bed with you guys. Not to sound freaky or anything. ;-)

How nice it is to have found him again. How did that come about? Not certain what you mean by "what I really feel I need to tell him", but be careful.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Oh I mean the "sorry for treating you so badly like a coward, when you were so good to me". That is all. Don't worry I am not going to say something stupid like lets get together again.

Thanks for the comment, I was afraid I was boring people but I had to get it out.


Bill said...

Very nice, Steven. Not all stories have a happy ending. I told you about my first boyfriend who is now married with kids and is head pastor at a mega-church. I decided NOT to contact him!

Matt said...

Dear God, you were NOT boring people with that post!!! That was beautifully written. I agree with Other Steven that it felt like I was there with you the way you described everything.

I, too, am glad you've found him again. It's sad to have left things unsaid. It's not often any of us get this kind of chance.

Topher said...

Wow, I'm really glad that you found him at least and you two have gotten in contact.

Have you spoken to him about what you wanted to tell him? I think he'll appreciate it. It's nice to have closure over things, I always thought.

I did that to an ex, I guess I'd call him one since we dated for a few weeks. I was freaked out having to end my job, finding another one, moving etc that it fizzled. It felt really good to just talk it out and tell each other how we felt over what happened.

jim said...

I'm glad you were able to contact him after all these years. I have a similar relations ship and I recently re-connected with him after almost 20 years. (Thank you Facebook!!) I was able to tell him all the things and ask him questions that had bugged me for 20 years. It was a huge relief.