Saturday, October 13, 2007

Out and About This Town

Another Friday evening spent at home, eating chips while watching Ghost Whisperer. Yes that is one of my weaknesses, I like to watch that show, just that she has this secret that she does not want to tell people about because they would not understand blah, blah, blah and we all see the connection now, plus sometimes it can get a little spooky. Back to my point, why am I not going out. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, there is a whole gay world going on in this town and I'm sitting on my floor watching TV. As much as blog land has helped me start to come out of the closet, it can also be a big factor or should I say excuse not to move further out of my comfort zone. I like to read the other blogs and see what the rest of you guys are up to, but that is only reading about you living your lives, not me actually living my life. Sometimes I feel it is not healthy for me, I get stuck reading for hours, I don't want to go away from the computer because I feel doing so puts me back into the straight world, where every movie, TV show, book etc is about straight people and I'm bored hearing about that, I only want to now hear about gay people and their relationships, our movies, our books etc. Telling my friends has helped that a little, now I am gay somewhere else besides only on line. Still I have not made that last important step, to meet and be around other gay people, I was thinking I could just go to a bar, I heard which ones are not meat markets, just go in and have one drink and leave, but I can't do it! I am over the fear of 'what if someone sees me' that does not really bother me any more, so that is not the problem, I guess it is just the awkwardness of it all. In some ways I am getting better, my stats counter was showing that someone close to the town where I grew up keeps reading my blog, at first a little panic set in but then I thought to just let things fall where they will and besides how would they explain themselves reading a gay blog if it is someone that knows me. Like they say, I need to come up with a plan of action. This is not living, this is just spending time and I am already an expert at that. Next week I am going to figure out some ways to get myself out there and hopefully there will not be too many more Fridays and Saturdays spent watching TV at home alone.

13 comments:

Bill said...

There are reruns with TV shows, but not with life. We may get second chances, but they aren't guaranteed. It might be fun to have a drink at a friendly bar and look around. One of my former employees worked up the nerve to give this a try, and he found a nice network of interesting gay friends.

daveincleveland said...

just found your blog, and boy i can sure relate to the lonliness although i am still legally married with a daughter still at home its like we just exist, no conversation, nothing, i spend my time in my room reading or watching tv, try to stay out of everyones way, and also at the point where i don't care who sees me out.........its just hard

Pete said...

Go for it Steven. Most of the clich├ęs are true, but not everyone conforms to them. There are lots of normal people out there!

I am sure once you get over the discomfort you'll enjoy it.

Sorted Lives said...

Came across your blog through Mike Says. Great insight! It's very hard coming out. The acceptance, the "what if someone sees me." These are normal feelings.

Eventually, you do get comfortable and then able to move on and meet people and enjoy who you are!

Will definately blog roll you!

Daniel said...

It's a big step to come out, be comfortable with who you are, and live life as an open, proud gay man. It doesn't happen overnight. Go out and have a drink. It can't hurt anything. If that bar isn't your think move on the the next. I know its easier said than done, but you have to take the first step and then it will all start to fall in place. Good luck!

W said...

I shall drag you out next time I am in your parts of the world.

On a less flippant note, I hope you're feeling better and you die only once.

TWISI said...

Take a leap and go for it.... you don't know what great things are waiting for you out there unless you venture into the pond.

Scott said...

I remember having the same feelings about going into gay bars. I never set foot in one till I was 35. I also remember thinking that I'd never have a circle of gay friends, but all it takes is one and little by little your circle will begin to expand.

john said...

I say you should go for it. Not that I'm really one to speak, but go for it!!

Justin said...

I have myself become a bit of a hermit as far as "gay stuff" goes. I don't go out to bars, but in my case it's because I have lost all drive and ambition to do so. I have friends that beg me to go out sometimes but I just can't bring myself to do it. I get a kinda sick feeling in my stomach when I even consider it. Although I think my reasons are diffrent from yours, we are in the same boat int he respect that we look out our windows and watch the "gay" lil parades go by. BTW I do love your blog. You are very insightful. Keep it up, maybe it will prove to be a tool to help you get to where you want to be. In a way you have made yourself open and available to the people in your hometown by putting up this blog, so it's seems you are making baby steps in the pre-ordained direction. Good Luck BUd!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

RATS! Why, why, why do you people all have to live soooooooo far away from me! Hahaha!

Thanks for the comments guys, I need to do something to get some girls on here, I don't want this to be a men's only club. ; )

Steven.

Wayne said...

Going to a gay bar is no different than any other bar. You go in, have a seat, and order a drink.
Get your self out there. The web is a fine place to meet like minded people. But no subsitute for meeting live people.
If you like, Craig and I can come over there and give you support. We just live over the border. Depending on where you live in Ontario. We'll go out, have a few drinks, and meet some people. You'll find a lot of them are just like you. Normal.
Remember, life is too short.

Kris said...

I had the same feelings when I started going to gay bars. I hurrily get a drink to try to shake it off the weird feeling as if everyone's looking, what would they think of me, etc etc.

With some places, I actually ended up making friends with some folks or just chat with them. It was nice to just have someone to talk to. It really sucked when I just moved to DC and didn't know a single soul. I'm still working on it but try to remain open, since you just never know when to meet folks that would end up being in your life forever.