Sunday, July 5, 2020

Outside the Bubble.

 During this pandemic our provincial governments often talk about having our "bubble". The meaning is that at first people had to imagine themselves creating a bubble around themselves for protection. For instance a married couple and maybe children living in the house. No one else would be allowed to have contact. Then we were told we could expand the bubble to one other family and one only. Now we are told we can expand to ten people. The news showed families and close friends embracing each other in joy but also in sorrow from the isolation.

 There lies one of my problems, I don't belong in anyone's bubble. Nobody thought of "me" when they began to expand their bubble. In times of crisis like this, only really close family or friends count. There are no hugs for me, no kisses, no sobbing saying how much they missed me. I'm on the outside looking in and the loneliness caught up with me. It's one of the reasons I took the break up hard, when my time came up, instead of a much needed reunion, my bubble was burst.

 I was listening to a TED talk yesterday on the radio, it was about loneliness. They were nailing it with everything they were saying while explaining the symptoms of loneliness. They also said it actually affects longevity, people surrounded with close loving relationships, tend to live longer... oh boy. Actually I can see that, right now my sleep and eating patterns are way off, I can see this shortening a person's life.

 They talked about the need to interact with other people, like I suspected, online is not enough. The closer you are with someone, the more positive chemicals your body releases. The best being hugged by a friend that you love, it actually releases healing chemicals into your body. I know that to be true, there is a world of difference between being awkwardly hugged by someone, to being hugged by someone you love, you can just feel that warm change flowing over your body.

 That's why I sometimes get frustrated with this blog, it's not just about breaking up with a particular person, it's all the perks that vanished. One day you are finally being hugged again, kissed again, being caressed lovingly. It's a total recharge of the batteries when someone you adore is cuddling with you, then one day it's gone and you feel like you have just been dropped off on a lonely stretch of road in the middle of nowhere. That's where I am now, I'm nowhere looking in at other people's bubble.

 It's not hard to understand, I just want someone to care about me, someone to love me and I love them back. The other pressure is time is running out, stats show that gay men who don't have a partner by age 45, will usually never find a partner. Stats are stats, they have no emotions or agenda, don't try to dismiss them in the comments section. I read a quote the other day I found true, it was by an older male actor, he said, "dating in your fifties is like trying to buy a coat at a thrift store. You no longer look for a perfect fit, you look for the least damaged one". Sad but true, any of the good guys that want to settle down, have usually settled down by now.

 From frogs to a Prince, I know the saying you have to keep going down the line of frogs until you find your Prince. However I think, what if the time comes when the Prince at the end of each line is already taken, all you have left are the frogs, do you look for the best frog? I didn't intend for this to happen, I was hoping to cross paths with a Prince one day but here I am. Now I realize that sometimes you have to go find that Prince but the lesson may be too late.

 I just want to be part of someone's bubble, I just want to be on the inside for a change.


Jimmy said...

First, stop listening to TED talks. They went out of fashion with the Hully Gully.

That might be the problem.

How's that garden doin'???

Sooo-this-is-me said...

It's doing great.

Jimmy said...

some photos would be nice. (smooch)

Deedles said...

Who's TED and why is he talking? If like Jimmy says they went out of fashion with the Hully Gully, it must be Ted Kennedy (I don't know any Canadian Teds). He's no longer with us, so stop it. If it's that old faithful bear of yours, talk to him, hug him, but if he talks back, get help!
Thanks for that flash to the past, Jimmy. The Hully Gully, a dance I can still do with this ol' decrepit body.

Take care sweetietude.

RJ said...

That coat in the thrift store statement was right on target. One of the things I missed most during sheltering at home was the physical tough of another person. It's not too late to find a guy. You need to adjust your mindset.

RB said...

I think you should put a positive spin on the break up. If it didn't work for him, then it's best that it's over and not wasting your time. You'll meet the right person. Now time to move forward.

This lockdown has actually been good for some "I" people who prefer less social contact, or at least don't have a need for a lot of it. I've also heard many people say that it has simplified their lives, and they are grateful for that.

Mistress Maddie said...

This was actually a excellent post. Now why i only see Warbucks and the Lad what used to every month or so...I suspect Warbucks will pretty much end since no travel. Lives in Europe. Haven't seen the Lad since February. But as you know i like my step up since i didn't want to settle into a traditional set up at this time. But one day my mind will change. During this downtime, don't think I haven't thought about this and being alone when I start to find my love. Once my little family is gone I will be alone without family. My wall will come down but it will take the right person...IF I find them.

But on the thrift shop quote...good things can be found there at times!!!

And with my gin...ill live to be 103! And be alone.

Your fears and concerns are real and the loneliness....but if you can hang on till the pandemic is over...yikes, hopefully you can get back out and start to mingle again. I think alot of the issue is with the pandemic. It's definitely not helping matters and i surmise many of the issues stem from it. If i end up alone it may bother me, but thankfully im very independent and had a wall up so may not bother least to show.

Jimmy said...

Deedles: I can still do the Mashed Potato.

Old Lurker said...

Steven: this is the darkness speaking. Don't let it overwhelm you.

Yes you are lonely. Yes not being touched sucks. But the arguments you are using to justify those bad feelings are full of holes, and you are using those arguments to beat yourself up more.

You cannot control the lockdowns with this coronavirus. You can't even really control whether you get to see your mom (who would definitely want to be in your bubble if she could).

You cannot control whether other people ask you to be in their bubble, but you can invite people into your bubble, or just interact with them socially without merging bubbles.

You do have control over getting some of the people around you involved in social interaction. You do have friends and neighbors to talk to and to go skinny-dipping with. People in your area used to call on you regularly to clear snow off of roofs and to dig graves.

You do have control over asking to have physically-distant visits with your aunt and uncle.

You do have control over getting good sleep and eating right even if you do not feel like it.

You do have control over making an appointment with a doctor or a counsellor. (Hint, hint.)

This virus will end and then you will be touched again. Before Mr Ex you were doing a good job of being touched/cuddled/etc on a regular basis (need we remind you of the "emergency kit" you had stashed in your car?)

As for "Stats are stats, they have no emotions or agenda": oy. If you believe that you need to learn how stats work. Statistics often have an agenda ("there are lies, damned lies, and statistics") and statistics are not destiny. Are you going to tell Michael54 that his relationship is doomed because he was over 45 when he met Other Michael? Are you going to tell John Gray to stop looking for luuurrve because he is over 45 and "stats are stats"? You would not make such arguments to them, so why is it okay to make such arguments against yourself?

Look. On some level arguing rationally with a depressed person is futile. You are going through some feelings. Those feelings are real. But those feelings are also misleading you, because that is how depression works. You are in a tough situation now, but your situation is far from hopeless. There are some things that are in your control, and I want you to do some of those things: get exercise, talk with your neighbours and acquaintances, eat right and sleep right, and make those appointments.

Christina said...

Hi Steven
If I could be honest?
I really do think that you are clinically depressed and this is colouring how you think and feel about things.

Tell me to naff off if it makes you feel better but I really do think if you get the help you need, you will see this for yourself.

Take care.
All good wishes.
Christina. X

Cali-Boi said...

I too am sorry you can't escape this and agree with many here. Especially Christina. I too am thinking clinical depression. Your seeing the dark side to everything and can't get pass things out of your control or have yet happen. I had one good friend you had CD it got very dark and did not end well. Christina is right I'd seriously get the help you need sooner the doesn't go away.

Dave R said...

They do say Covid is causing a lot of depression, people are having a more difficult time dealing with it then then they thought they would.

Ur-spo said...

You are in my bubble and there's no getting rid of me.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Steven, a virtual bubble is no substitute for real life. But you see the people-friends-who care for you. There are a lot of good suggestions above, most of which have been given before. And all of which come from a place of love and concern. Heed the advice. You can’t put this off any longer. ❤️

David said...

I met John when I was aged 56. He was 48 - we were married 4 years later and now have each other for life. Not to make you jealous - but to remind you that miracles can happen even if you are over 45 (or even 55!) Of course, we were both actively looking online and when we met, we clicked immediately, no questions or hesitations, ever.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

“It's not hard to understand, I just want someone to care about me, someone to love me and I love them back. The other pressure is time is running out, stats show that gay men who don't have a partner by age 45, will usually never find a partner. “

I agree with you in the first part. Disagree in the second. I was thinking about how much I miss good sex just yesterday and how Covid-19 has fucked up any prospects of getting some. But nothing lasts forever. There’ll be a vaccine and we’ll get back to a new normal.
As for the second part, I think we can find live at any age. Will it be the same at 20 than at 50? Probably not. Priorities change with age.

I heard of the Bubble in Canada in a YouTube video of someone doing a pen ikea visit. I think it’s really cool, but it should not discourage you. Remember, you have to think about your mum and that she needs to be protected....

And don’t get me started with thrift stores. I found my favourite winter coat in one. That being said, you cannot let depression win. Nope.


Michael said...

I am sorry to read that you are still feeling the way you are. This pandemic sure doesn't help matters. I know this sounds cliché, but they still could be someone out there for you. The thrift store comment was an apt comment to make, but sometimes treasures can be found in those places.