Tuesday, October 29, 2019

The Coward's way out.


 I did something minor last week that I truly regret doing. It caused me to miss out on one of life's good moments, and it also robbed someone of their chance to shine.

 After the meeting went so well with my school friend, I vowed this time it's going to be different. I waited a few days to let him get over the shock of seeing me again, then I started to text him. I think texting is one of the good modern inventions, it lets you drop in and out of someone's life without bothering them if they are busy. I hooked him into my texting vortex and he hasn't been able to escape yet. It's been great, we sometimes text until ten at night. One day he mentioned another school friend that he often meets up with, Chris. He said Chris was happy to hear we met up and also wants to see me.

 I already know that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy so I wasn't hesitant. My friend also assured me that he never said a word to Chris about my sexuality. I said I knew he wouldn't say anything. He also reassured me not to worry, he said Chris never judges anyone, he said that Chris is one of the nicest guys he hangs around with and also he knows for a fact that Chris is completely comfortable with the LGBTQ community.

 I hate the anxiety of going to tell someone that I am gay. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal but no matter what I tell myself, I'm still that confused and frightened teen back in the eighties. I knew it's time to tell Chris as well, I just wanted to get it over with so that it didn't ruin our reunion. In a moment of weakness I told my friend that I trusted his judgment, I told him that I hate telling people, it makes me anxious and I said he can tell Chris the next time he talks to him.

 That night I started to have regrets about saying that, I felt it was a coward's way out of telling someone. I felt that I had better tell Andrew in the morning that I would man-up and do it myself. It would probably be awkward, he might have questions but it wouldn't be a big deal. The following day however I got caught in things and completely forgot about my texting. Later that day I received a text from Andrew, he said Chris had popped by his work and they went out for lunch. He said he told Chris about me and about our conversation. I felt like, "oh well it's done" and was prepared to move on until I heard about Chris's reaction.

 Apparently when he told him, he said Chris actually lit up, he was so happy for me that I finally felt comfortable enough to tell them. Unlike my friend, he wasn't surprised and had it in the back of his mind all this time that I was probably gay, (that still bothers me lol). Andrew said to me, "I wish you were there Steven to truly appreciate how happy and supportive he was for you". That made me feel bad but then came more guilt. Chris told Andrew to say how proud he was of me and how brave he thought I was for telling them.. plus how happy he was for me.

 I knew in that second that I made a huge mistake not telling him, not only had I robbed myself of a life affirming moment, I also robbed Chris his moment to come through for me and shine, I took that away from him. I told Andrew that I felt later, I had taken the coward's way out, that I was trying to make it easier. I said in my defense that this doesn't come with a handbook on how to do it.

 Andrew said I shouldn't be so hard on myself, he said I am working through a lifetime of anxiety. He also said no one would blame me, he and Chris understand, they were there, they know exactly what it was like. He said the thing is now that I need to know, I have friends who are 100% behind me... and I must remember that.

 I was thinking to myself... don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... meh okay, maybe just a little this time!
;.)..

34 comments:

Bob said...

Here's my take ...straight people don't come out to us with the,"Hey, I'm straight,I hope you're cool with that" shiz, so why should we?
Howsabout if Chris asks you if you're married, or ever married, or seeing anyone and you say, "I haven't met the right guy yet."
That's coming out without coming out. I mean, straight people don't "come out" so why should we? Be yourself, you like guys. Meh.

Old Lurker said...

Don't worry. When you see Chris in person he will want to talk all about it, so long as you don't seem uncomfortable about it.

Just imagine how excited your coworkers will be once you give them the chance to shine.

Dave R said...

Bob and I think alike. I don't need to affirm myself by telling people I'm gay since I'm already proud of who I am. If people ask, I tell them. People make assumptions and then I correct them.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

All valuable lessons -- live and learn!

Jimmy said...

Non the less, be sure to ask if they have any gay friends looking for someone adorable.

Deedles said...

Oooh, outing and support by proxy, I like it! Of course, I'm generally antisocial, ( I choose that instead of cowardly) so naturally I would like it. Lurkster isn't going to be satisfied until you don a pair of sparkly, rainbow booty shorts, sequined blouse (yes, blouse), go-go boots (my age showing here)and march into work to the soothing sounds of Macho Man or anything ABBA!

His Secret Obsession seems to have wandered into the wrong pasture.

Old Lurker said...

Whose Secret Obsession?

Now Deedles, let's not get carried away. A pair of assless chaps, a rainbow flag and some Pet Shop Boys would be sufficient.

No, actually, wearing normal work clothes, listening to normal work music like Rush or the Guess Who, and not desperately looking for excuses to hide behind when the topic comes up would be sufficient. But I am sure Steven is working towards this. As Jimmy noted he has turned a new leaf or is on different meds now.

Deedles said...

Hi, Lurkster! I suppose His Secret Obsession is one of those hideous trolls that leave long comments trying to sell something. The comment has disappeared, so I look like an idiot moreso than usual :)
I can get behind assless chaps! For looking purposes only, obviously.

Jimmy said...

oooo...Pet Shop Boys.

Michael said...

Steven,
I don't think you did anything wrong. There is no road map for coming out, and the hard thing is that you have to keep doing it over and over again. I am glad that your other friend is supportive too.

JanF said...

I am with Michael in thinking you did nothing wrong -plus, when you do meet this friend again I think it will feel comfortable and you will realize you have worried for naught! I hope that will be the case and I do believe it.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, oddly enough, when I once said to Andrew that I hate when people ask why am I not married yet... he said, "tell them you haven't found the right guy yet", I thought what a perfect answer from a straight guy! Lol

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Old Lurker, no luckily I'm not uncomfortable once the cat is out of the bag. Meow!
I don't have friends at work, just coworkers. Nawww you suck, I want a little bit of privacy, I'm not telling people at work. Unless someone wants to hang around outside of work, I'm not telling so :p ppptttptff!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, that's a better way actually, the "coming out" moment is so 90s.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, I make mountains out of molehills and I'm doing it here.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy... lol we think alike on this topic!!! :D

Jimmy said...

I just heard on Canadian Public Radio that you are gay! All Ontario is talking about it. Straight people are such gossips.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, you're the best ((snicker giggle snicker)) XD

Lurker is a pain in the but about those spam comments, ignore them because I go full revenge on them now... notice that they are starting to disappear!!! Muahahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Rush yes...
And the men who hold high places.
Must be the ones to start.
To mold a new reality.
Closer to the heart.
Closer to the heart.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, I usually don't have to say a word, you do it to yourself better than anyone! Hahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, not really a fan but they had some hits.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, well what's done is done and it's a lesson for me. Thanks for your support buddy.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JanF, I think you are correct, at least now the anxious feeling will be gone.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, you mean all three listeners know??? How can I face tomorrow??? I guess that's one way to not have to tell people.

Old Lurker said...

It may not be the case that all three listeners know. Just because people have the radio on does not mean they are paying attention. On the other hand, this is pretty juicy gossip, so maybe they all tuned in to hear it.

Old Lurker said...

Also: you would be telling your coworkers less for their sake (although it is nice to give them a chance to shine) and more for yours. You are hiding behind excuses again and you know it.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Old Lurker, our Prime Minister is so kind and thoughtful, he heard about this and called me with some disguise ideas. I'm not so sure about some of his recommendations, I think I have to check with Deedles first!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Okay I'll make you a deal Lurky... when you stop playing the grumpy old man and have sex with another guy.... I will come out at work. It has to be a nice guy, no cheating and just grabbing the first skank that comes along!

Deedles said...

Way to ruin a person's sex life, Steven! Skanks need lovin' too!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, no they don't want love, they just want to use someone, and I don't want someone to use our Lurky. :(

Deedles said...

You will notice, Steven, that I said skanks NEED lovin' not that they want it! I don't want the Lurkster used either, unless it's us doing the using and only if it's consensual :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, yes of course consensual, I would clear everything up before we put in the ball gag and tie him up with leather harness.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Wait... I should have said "NO" when Deedles said, "hey Steve, want to follow me down this bizarre rabbit hole"?

Old Lurker said...

I do not like this deal.