Friday, October 4, 2019
Some positive interactions finally.
Today it's cold out, barely above freezing but it's sunny out and I find it makes for a better day overall when the sun is shining. They are saying the temperature will drop below freezing tonight, that will definitely be goodbye for the flowers. I grew tired of watching over the garden and so I harvested anything that could be damaged by frost.
Still no cellphone or internet access at the farm, they are apparently working on it and said hopefully it will be fixed by this evening. If not, I know that means next week, nothing gets fixed on a weekend no matter how much they promise.
I had two interesting things happen this week. One was, as I checked messages before returning home, I got a couple of messages from guys. I thought at first it would just be the usual, "hello, I'm going to say hello and then I'm going to ignore you". However instead I'm finally getting some communication back and forth. One guy even sent me his email address in case he is not on the site but is on line. Maybe nothing will come out of this but at least there is some possibility and not some mind game.
The other thing that happened was when I contacted an old school friend. His family suffered a recent loss and I wanted to check in on him. He was important to me as a kid, he was the alpha male in our little group of friends. He was everything that I wished I could be at that time. I never felt that I was important to him however, I felt he tolerated me because he was mostly a nice guy. He replied saying that it's ironic I emailed him, that I would be surprised by how much he thought of me over the past year, how he was thinking about us growing up and about life. I was really touched, I didn't think I mattered, the kid from back then emerged and read those lines over a couple of times, just to be sure they were real. Strange that at my age, it still matters how people see/saw me.
Like many guys back then, he was very homophobic and the slurs, jokes and vile words were plenty. I always felt that if I could just get him to see things clearly, he would understand that I'm still just me, not some crazed sex freak (no offense Maddie lol). I now know for a fact that he has really changed. I wonder if he knows about me or suspects. I wonder if he feels bad about things he said in the past.
Yes... I'm going to try and meet up with him and yes.. I'm going to tell him my secret that I have wanted to tell him for years. I have a fall back plan, if I can't get the words out, I can show him something he wrote a few years ago in support of gay marriage, he will instantly understand what I'm trying to tell him.