Sunday, April 14, 2019
Listen To Your Heart...stupid!
The drive into work is a long one for me and some days it's a time to reflect. A few days ago while driving in, the host said she wanted to play "an oldie" it was a song from my youth, it came out around the time of the last woolly mammoth dying [sarcasm] grrr. Anyway it was "Listen to your heart", by Roxxette. As I was driving that little voice we all have was trying to point something out to me, I hate that because that little voice is usually correct.
The "voice" was pointing out that I'm not listening to my heart, I'm trying to be practical and unfortunately that never works out. I was comparing two guys in my head that I talk with often and have met. One is my nerdy friend, let's call him James, the other is my slightly workaholic friend, let's call him Tyler (because he has one of those trendy names I like).
James is the guy that clearly likes me, I know that I could email him right now and ask if we could try being boyfriends and he would email back excitedly and say yes. Unfortunately I don't feel any attraction towards him. Some days I think about giving a relationship a try. That day in the car however it was pointed out to me how stupid my way of thinking was. I communicate with James all the time but we haven't met since last fall, probably end of August or September. I could meet with him after work but I always have an excuse. I was thinking about when I first met Dan, I would climb over mountains to be with him. I would drive for an hour just to have dinner with him, I would reschedule, postpone, skip out of any appointment just to arrange for us to be together. The reason is clear, I wanted to be with him, compare that to not meeting James for the last seven or eight months... who am I kidding.
Then there is Tyler, we had been communicating for days and he was really interested in meeting me. He was even driving the "meeting up" as much as I was. However after we met, he has never asked to meet again. I usually do the asking, his signal is clear to me but I want to keep him as a friend. He is never cold towards me or unfriendly, he seems willing to go out and have lunch etc but he never expresses an interest in me as a boyfriend. Unfortunately for me... Tyler is the one that I want, he pushes all my buttons, I feel like I'm in a fog when dealing with him.
Again the point is made clear to me when I think what would happen if Tyler suddenly emailed me saying something like, "want to meet for dinner"? I would drop what I'm doing right now and start getting ready. If he emailed me and said, "Steve lately you are always on my mind, I feel empty when you are not around". I would be giddy with excitement, I would probably be blogging like crazy, sharing the details of the first cute and awkward moments as we first start to get to know each other. Snap back to reality, sometimes James tries to say those same things to me... and I shut him down every time. I really like James, I don't want to hurt him but shutting him down was the right thing to do, it's clear to me that I have been deceiving myself, I have not been listening to my heart.