Monday, March 25, 2019
A Bird in the Hand.
There's that old saying, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". I vaguely understood the meaning behind it but never really gave it much thought. I find myself in that position relationship wise. There are a group of guys I talk with and have coffee with. Nice bunch of guys but nothing is really coming out of our friendship. Most are hard to read, most don't seem that interested in me. Some suddenly run hot then become cool with me. The answer is "NO", I am not sleeping with any of them, if they want the milk, they need to buy the cow... or bull?
There is one guy however, I've mentioned him before, I never felt any attraction towards him ever. His looks, personality, benign masculinity have never pushed any of my buttons, I often felt bad about that but it is what it is. The thing is.. he cares about me, he answers all my emails and messages. He constantly wants to do things together, he recommends restaurants we could have supper at, he sends me lists of gay books and movies he has enjoyed. He is interested in what I am doing, he believes family is important, he believes looking out for family is important, he tells me all about things that are interesting to him, he is a very kind person. "Your sweet nature darling is too hard to"... ignore. I am really starting to like this person a lot.
Then comes my dilemma, clearly this man is after me, I pretend to ignore it but I see what he is doing. I don't want to hurt anyone, I think he's awkward and nerdy but sweet. I can't help think however that I'm not getting any younger, let's face it there is no Prince Charming coming to get me. He would have been taken by now. The only half decent guys left that are trying to find a boyfriend, are late bloomers that also have a wife at home, I want my own husband and not someone else's. That leaves me to wonder, could this be my last chance at having some sort of relationship. Part of me thinks it's not fair to start a relationship with him if my heart isn't in it. Another part of me thinks why not give it a try and see what happens. I could try a friendship that includes cuddles and hugs, he also asked if our friendship could include sex. I told him I worry that could ruin our relationship, he said that we are adults and should be able to handle it. I worry he would get attached fast.
He is seven years older than I am and lived in the closet all his life. I guess he sees time running out on him and wants to be his true self. I think he would be crushed if we started a relationship and I backed out. Sadly I think I might be his only shot at a relationship, most gay men would reject him. How stupid will I feel however if in five years I'm still alone, no one caring about where I am or what I'm doing when I could have had a "someone" with me. Is it stupid of me to think about the birds in the bush when one is trying to land on my shoulder and be at my side.