Saturday, November 3, 2018
Holding a Grudge.
I try to grow as a person, "try" being the key word here. Sometimes I feel that I haven't changed but then I look back on my life and I see that I do make steps in the right direction. One thing that I have a hard time letting go of, is when someone hurts me out of the blue. I am always startled by this and I never like or trust that person ever again. I would never try to hurt someone, so I am shocked when someone does or says something hurtful towards me.
This weekend the name of a former high school teacher came up and it reminded me of an incident that occurred between us. I generally liked this teacher, we pretty much got along when I was in school but I will confess that I was a bit of a class clown during one of her math classes. Mostly it was out of frustration on my part, I was failing the course, couldn't make heads or tails of the subject and was bored having to sit through an hour of numbers in brackets with more brackets around them.
A few years later I happened to be at a local fair and saw her. Since I had actually liked her, I went to say hello to her. At the time I wasn't sure what to do with my life, (still don't actually) so I was working in a coffee shop in those days, not very ambitious but it paid the bills, plus I was in my early twenties. I was always a polite person, so there was no way I would have been rude to her. I went up and said hello, she started talking to me, asking me questions, she acted a little cold to me, she gave off a vibe
of being condescending towards me and I thought I saw her smirking at me, then she said something like, "wow you've really turned out to be, kind of loser".
I was completely stunned, speechless actually. I didn't know what to say and was completely humiliated, I just walked away embarrassed. I already had low self-esteem, I felt that was the only job I was good for and now someone that I had respected just confirmed my belief. I never told anyone what had happened. I now think that she was probably carrying a chip on her shoulder over the acting up in class. At the time I naively thought teachers would be too mature to do something like that but later on I discovered everyone is immature at some point in life. I also didn't want my mom to find out, she would hate that person with a white hot intensity from day one to forever. I bumped into her years later, this time I was cool with her but I still got that condescending vibe from her, real or not.
Her name came up because her son suddenly died this week, only in his thirties it was a shock to them.
I was going to delete this post, I felt it was very negative regarding how I had ended it. I decided not to delete it because it was something that happened to me and I think people need to learn to be careful with what they say to another person, especially a young person that looks up to them. After I left a negative ending to this post, I didn't feel closure, I felt embarrassed by my immaturity and it was bothering me. I was thinking about altering the ending when this family had more tragedy happen to them. That was it for me, I no longer feel angry, I moved past it the minute I wrote the post. I wish only the best for that family, that's how I truly feel inside, I guess I did grow as a person here, as I should have.