Thursday, October 4, 2018

Baby Steps, Gaybe Steps.


 Regarding relationships, I think if we don't become disappointed with results that didn't turn out the way we wished, we can learn from the experience. That is how I'm comforting myself these days. I finally admitted to myself last week, that all the people I have been communicating with and met with, are a loss cause. They either never want to meet for some reason, are just looking for sex and nothing more or are damaged goods, damaged beyond having a normal friendship. I don't mean they are drug addicts or something like that, they could be obsessive workaholics or extremely negative towards life, making it impossible to form a healthy friendship/relationship with them.

 I am not upset that my efforts haven't paid off, I appreciate the experience of meeting new people, it was great practice for me. The first was my hardest, after the first one which was actually a no show, I was more determined to meet other guys and it gets easier I found. It shouldn't have surprised me (but it did) that the other person was really nervous about meeting me as well. I went in thinking that a coffee date was like a job interview, that I had to convince the other guy that I was worthy of his attention. I now see it as more of a meeting between two people, both hoping to impress the other, both hoping for a connection, it's not a competition to me now, it's a potential forming of a partnership. I just need to keep this in mind, then if we don't click, we are not compatible nothing more, I can't take it personally.

 I am going to wean myself slowly away from two people I have become friends-ish with, they are nice guys but their friendship is something I have to work at, I often hear if a relationship becomes a job, then it's time to rethink that relationship. I realized the other night that I don't have time to be focusing my personal life in an area that will lead nowhere.

 I have found some gay meet up groups, I think my focus should be in that direction, they are people looking for friendships and a community, I realise that the dating sites were never about that, even the friendship sections were about anonymous sex to 99.9% of the users. I have a realistic expectation about trying this route, I will probably fail in my first attempts but hopefully I will find something.

22 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

VERY healthy outlook, luv. ya gots to kiss many many frogs to wind up with a prince; BTDT.

Old Lurker said...

I think that these are good insights, except that I disagree with dumping your new friends just because it takes some work to maintain those relationships. Platonic friends have networking value, and by dumping everybody who is not husband material you are adding to the perception that The Gays are cold and ruthless. Certainly you don't want to pour all your energy into these friendships, but you probably put some energy into your straight friendships with men and women who will not marry you. This is not so different.

Also, all relationships take some energy to maintain. Do you think it is easy coming up with snarky and unhelpful responses to all of your blog posts? Being this jerkish takes work, and I am nobody's husband material. (See: "damaged goods beyond having a normal friendship" above.)

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Ohhh MeetUp is fantastic. Really. Better than grindr, or growler or whatever it is that people do for hookups. Meeting people face to face is so much cooler!
I agree with @oldlurker. Relationships take work. The guys that are not husband material could become really good friends and expand your 'friend network'. We don't have to be in a relationship to have fun.

xoxo

Mistress Maddie said...

I wished we lived closer, I know we would get along and have a good time. And then you could meet Anne Marie too!!!

Mistress Maddie said...

Also Old Lurker raises so very good points. All friendships, even one we consider recurring guest stars take energy. But it's nice to have fiends at every level....acquaintances, friends, best friends, FWB...… I have all sorts of friends.

Scott said...

As we age, we all have baggage, some good, some not so good. But relationships and friendships take work and time, they don’t happen overnight. And I think the meetup sounds great.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I second Mistress Maddie and the Old Lurker. Good for you for keeping at it!

1st Man said...

My .02 for what it's worth. Friends are all types. And they all serve their purpose in their own way. Don't judge all friendships by the same standard and you might find it to be easier. Just understand going into it what the constraints may or may not be. The Mistress put in nicely. I too have had friends, accountancies, coworker friends, relatives that are just really more like friends, friends of friends and yes, I've had friends with benefits. Even some of the FWB's are different degrees of that. Just keep your mind open, keep your circle open and add to it. You never know who might come into your circle and how they might change into something more. Look at all of us. We're blog friends. Hugs to you!

ON a side note, I bet meeting the Mistress and Anne Marie would totally rock!!!

Richard said...

In the last few years of being single, I felt that most of the men I met were from the land of misfit toys. Most were damaged and it was clear in one meeting why they were single. The only man I've met who I saw a second time turned out to be married. It's disappointing but I will soldier on in my quest, as you should too. I've given up with online sites and have sought out social groups too.

Anonymous said...

Agree with Ann Marie and Old Lurker.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, if I kiss any more frogs I think that I will get warts! :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OL, it's startling to realize that you are this way on purpose! You might fit my husband criteria now that I have relaxed my standards. A) Are you still breathing? If you answered yes to the above, move to the front of the line.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, I wouldn't dismiss someone just because they are not husband material. It's more about jumping through twenty hoops just to meet for a coffee every time we go out. It gets tiring fast. Lol, don't worry, I'm not on grindr.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, I honestly know that I couldn't keep up with you and Anne Marie lol. I would just step back and take embarrassing pictures of you two! ;)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Scott, sometimes however when we get older, if we are honest with ourselves, we can see a relationship that will go nowhere, spending too much time on it only diverts attention from a potential healthy relationship. I think I should put that in a fortune cookie... lol. Yes I think the meet up will be a better choice.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, hey my Canuck sister, happy thanksgiving! Don't send any of your western snow this way yet!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

1st Man, with the exchange rate, I think your opinion works out to $3.74 so you're good! :)
I have all types of friends, so it's very uncommon for me to not move forward with one. I should have stressed that it takes something very difficult about a person to make me lose interest.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, I think that's the best description I have heard yet, "the land of misfit toy". I have actually thought about that myself, I know I'm also somewhat of a damaged toy but most of those bitches are crazy! Lol

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anonymous, agreeing with Anne Marie shows you have great intelligence and maturity, agreeing with Old Lurker, makes me take back the two compliments I just gave you!!! ;D

Old Lurker said...

Yes, it is all an act. Have you ever met somebody this obnoxious in real life?

I am occasionally breathing, but I see there is a long line of people ahead of me. There's Mistress Maddie, for example, and is that Walter I see trying to butt into the line?

Ur-spo said...

I too am late to join the conga line; keep going.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dr Spo, every Sunday evening I reserve a special place for you on this blog so that you may come and comment here. :)