Merry Chri... Halloween?

 Everybody sing along with me, "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, eeeven though it's Hall-o-ween"! Ok once more with feeling... lol.

 This is my garden bench, I call this photo, "my garden bench". Is there no limit to my artistic creativity! I still have onions growing in the snow.

 This evening I was invited to a neighbour's house for tea, chatting and pumpkin pie. I heard something funny last week, a young guy said that as a concept pumpkin pie sounds great but as a reality, it's not so great. I laughed because even though I enjoy a piece of pumpkin pie now that I am older, as a younger person, there would be no way you could have convinced me to eat it. Younger Steven would have classed pumpkin pie in the same category as mashed turnip, baked squash or boiled spinach, the unspoken about, food group officially known by children as ugh... blah!

 Now however I enjoy the odd slice of pumpkin pie, even better is sitting in a warm kitchen with friends talking and laughing about the local antics of certain neighbours. These neighbours are good people but seem to act as if they are characters in a sitcom.

  More snow coming tomorrow, I hope this is just a freak of nature and we will return to our gloomy grey rainy days like a normal fall. I'm not ready to deal with snow so soon.

Frightfully Good.

 While driving to work Thursday morning, I was listening to a radio host talking about a list of scary movies to watch for Halloween. I didn't like any of the movies that were mentioned, some I found annoying to watch like the Blair Witch Project and others were just gross to watch. I like to be scared by a movie, not grossed out by it. I was thinking about picking out a scary movie to mention, that doesn't follow the usual Halloween theme. One movie that is scary to watch but doesn't have a Halloween theme to it, (I have in my library) is "The Edge", it was released back in 97, this movie had me jumping in my seat. It's been a while since I watched it, so hopefully it doesn't look dated but it stars Anthony Hopkins and Alex Baldwin. It's a good movie, the scary part is that it could happen, basically some guys get stranded in the wilderness of Alaska and as they are trying to make their way back to civilization, a Kodiak bear keeps stalking them.

 And now I'm going to show you something really really scary, it's snowing here already, screeeEEEEEM! AAAAAHH! NO NO NOOOO!

Something outside, wants in.

 Late in the evening, as darkness falls, you may hear a thump, "THUMP"! You tell yourself it's just a thump, the cold causing the walls to contract or the floor to settle. Why did you just lie to yourself? You know it sounded more like a knock, a soft knock, sometimes it's three quick knocks, "thump, bump, bump. Maybe you were having a nap and it woke you up, clearing your head, you then check your door but no one is there... which you already knew but didn't want to admit to yourself.

 Some people hear it and jokingly, with a touch of nerves yell "come in"! You must never do that, you must never say that... it wants in, it's looking for the invitation. In a clear voice you must say out loud, "you may not enter, you can not come in, you are not welcome here". It's important not to invite that spirit in, very hard to get out after.

Halloween is coming, everyone needs to have a little fun with it.

Late to the movie.

This evening there was goose egg worth watching on the tv. I fired up the VCR to continue my journey through old movies of my father's, some I just never got around to watching, I always would say next week, then next week becomes next month, year, decade. I was going through a handful when I came across the movie Sea Biscuit. I remember my sister gave Dad that movie for Christmas, I had forgotten about it, I do remember it getting good reviews.

 The movie is about the racehorse Sea Biscuit, my dad being a horse fanatic, would have loved watching it. I kept putting off watching it because I felt it would be the typical Disney type of animal movie, pull at your heartstrings then something bad happens and he gets put down. However I was completely surprised by the movie, it is not at all what I thought, it certainly deserves all the praise. I think it's more about the depression era and how people were struggling so hard, that they needed a good underdog story to follow. I also liked the way it shows the background of the characters, I think it lets us understand them better. The horse doesn't show up until well into the movie.

 I think I mistook it for another mushy, cheesy, feel good movie that came out a few years ago and that's why I wouldn't watch it. There are some feel good moments but that's what the movie is about. It has some familiar faces, although they look quite young. Reading the box I was surprised to see it came out in 2003, I didn't think it's been fifteen years since it was in the theater, which explains a young looking cast like Toby Maguire. Obviously it's been sitting there for a long time waiting for me to catch up. If you happen to come across it playing on the tube late some night or have a chance to see it, I give it two thumbs up!

Aaaacheww!

 I hab a code, "sniff, sniff, sniffle", my nose is runny, "cough, cough, haaaack", I wish someone would invent a snot vacuum, then I wouldn't have to wipe my snout so much. I wanted chicken soup for supper, I ran out, life's a bitch. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and watched Star Wars on my VCR tonight because it gave me comfort. Tomorrow I will unleash this plague on my unsuspecting coworkers because one of the little bastards gave it to me.

My Own Best Fan!

 I always say, if only other people found me half as funny as I find myself, I would be a famous comedian. I crack myself up with my own stupid sense of humour, giggling for hours over something I have said or done.

 Last night I had one of those proud moments. I was checking out a dating site that I was using.  I stopped checking in lately because the guys on there weren't even interested in learning my name, let alone forming a friendship or relationship. One guy sent me two message, "hi there" and "got pics", clearly a man of few words. I think if these guys could just use grunting to communicate, they would. He has listed the fact that he is nine inches and included a photo to prove it. I knew he was expecting something back like, "me no got pics" or "we do sex now"?  However that's not me, the smart ass in me can't pass up an opportunity to say something stupid.

 I'm sure some are shocked to get back full sentences. I thought since he put the effort into emailing me, I should at least send an email back, an email which went something like this, "nine inches holy crap, there is no way I'm letting you near me with that thing"!!! The funny thing is when I do something like that, they almost always want to meet me, as did Mr Nine inch nail, maybe they sense I'm not just another warm place to put it and they are probably trying to find something different as well. Unless that's your thing, it's all good, I'm not judging.

Losing the numbers game.

 Lately the media keeps throwing out stats and the results from studying those numbers. The one constantly ringing in my ears is, "if you are, male, 45 or over, gay and single, then you will remain single until the end of your days". I feel an overwhelming sadness at the thoughts of going the rest of my life alone. Somehow I know this will come true, I have always known.

 The heart wants what it wants, that keeps popping up in my head. I was emailing with another blogger the other day (a very handsome guy, hey my buddy "Mk" ) I was telling him about the two guys I have been in contact with the most. One is a little odd but a really nice guy, he is very loyal to friends, very family oriented, good financial head on his shoulders, trustworthy. He would make someone a great life partner, yet I have no attraction towards him. I have tried and tried to open myself up to the idea of dating him but it doesn't work that way, I feel nothing. In fact I think part of me it becoming annoyed with my practical side and is starting to dislike him in retaliation. Maybe punishment for trying to force the notion of being in an unwanted relationship.

 Guy number two pushes all the right buttons, I find everything about him to be attractive. Speaking to him makes my knees feel weak, I wish he would just grab me and plant a romantic kiss on my lips. He is nice to me but unfortunately he doesn't seem to have any interest in me. If I ask him to meet me somewhere, he will say yes and we have a good time; however unless I contact him, I never hear from him. I don't get so much as an email or text from him asking how I'm doing. The truth is, it's not because he is a mean person, it's because when he is busy, I'm nowhere on his radar, he never thinks of me.

 As a gay male the numbers seem to be stacked against me, even my "self" seems to be working against me, picking the wrong man to have a crush on. I guess if you are a male, are 44 years old and gay, then there is still hope for you but you better act fast.

Scent of a Man.

 I don't wear cologne, never have. I find most men that do, really don't know how to use it, they put way too much on and it over powers me. Sometimes it's the cheap stuff and I think it's made out of diesel fuel or skunks collected as road kill. The standard rule of thumb happens to be, if the paint peels off the walls as you walk by, then you probably used too much.

 Some guys however were made to wear it. There is some kind of crazy combination of natural scent, plus the cologne. When these guys work near or with me, it's hard to not let my mind wander and imagine all sorts of scenes from a personal gay porn, starring me and lover boy. I begin to wonder what they smell like naked, what would it be like to make love to them, breath them in as we kiss and caress. It's like they have some hidden sex pheromones pressing all my correct buttons. These days at work, there are a couple of straight guys torturing me, they smell so, so good, makes me feel very gay! :)

Spilling Time.

 I think as we get older we begin to appreciate time more, one day we wake up and realize that time is not limitless, it has an expiration date. I was thinking about all the things in life we do that are a complete waste of time, the odd thing is at that moment in our life, we often don't realize that we are wasting time, we may even think that we are accomplishing something. It's kind of like having a bottle of the most refreshing drink that you could ever imagine. Do you savor every drop or are you careless and spill it... gone forever when it soaks into the earth.

 I often feel that I was careless, that I spilled my bottle. Part was done on purpose, I was/am a master procrastinator, also I confess that I could certainly have been a lot more ambitious in life. On the other hand I try to tell myself not to look back, past mistakes and bad choices were from the inexperience of youth. I learned from the mistakes I made because I saw how things didn't work out.

 October already, how did the month sneak up on me so fast. Fall usually makes me melancholy, it gets worse as I age. A large part of it comes from my mother, she hated winter so much that she would get upset at the prospect of the last week of August. I think the problem with the perception of fall, is that it signals the end of everything before winter's grip takes hold. I try not to be like mom, I try to embrace fall, for example the colours, the cool nights, snuggling up with a hot drink, a warm fire place, Halloween and everything that comes with it, the fall harvests, especially apples, apple crumble, apple tarts, apple pie, well you get the picture, did I mention apple turnovers. Fall really is a nice time of year and I want to train myself to enjoy it, there is no use wasting time worrying about what season comes after. The cut off point here is Halloween, after that the colours are gone, like my mood everything turns a dreary November grey so I allow myself to grumble when the time comes. Until then however I am savoring the final drops of fall.

Well... that's pretty cool.

 I remember way back in the nineties when I was dating my then boyfriend Billy, a commercial for Christmas gifts came on the tv. It was from a hardware store, it featured two young men, one was saying that for Christmas he was going to get his father a chainsaw. The second guy said looking puzzled, that the first guy's father didn't have a fire place. The first guy said with a grin and a little twinkle in his eye, "no but we do" and I think he may have touched the second guy's shoulder or arm. My boyfriend was ecstatic, he pointed this out to me, clearly they were a couple, stores were finally starting to tap into the LGBTQ market. It was a depiction of "us" on the tube, no longer was the world trying to pretend we didn't exist.

 However our joy would be short lived. It turns out that thousands of little children saw this commercial and instantly converted into homosexuals. No of course that didn't happen but the wing nuts completely lost their minds over the commercial and threatened the store with boycotts and protests. Sadly the ads were pulled leaving us to realize that we were not part of society according to many people.

 Fast forward to last night, sometimes it is amazing to me with how much things have changed. I was watching a program and a commercial came on for red rose tea. A nervous young woman told her father that her best friend was actually her girlfriend, they had been talking over cups of tea, the father leaves the room only to return with a cup of tea for the girlfriend and asks her to tell him about herself.

  I said "wow", I know younger people won't see the meaning of the moment for me but it's still huge for me. A big smile on my part, not because a company was smart enough to tap into the LGBTQ market, they will always find ways to market products to different groups, it's that most people watching that commercial will agree with it. Most people would also look suspiciously at any group that would try to stop the commercial. Most companies would secretly welcome this type of fight now, they couldn't pay enough to appear to be an inclusive company fighting with a group of bigots. The free positive coverage would be an advertising jackpot for any company.

 Still, putting aside all thoughts of profits, bigots, equal rights etc, it certainly feels good for this gay man to look up at the tv and see a member of my community being portrayed in a simple tea commercial.

Baby Steps, Gaybe Steps.

 Regarding relationships, I think if we don't become disappointed with results that didn't turn out the way we wished, we can learn from the experience. That is how I'm comforting myself these days. I finally admitted to myself last week, that all the people I have been communicating with and met with, are a loss cause. They either never want to meet for some reason, are just looking for sex and nothing more or are damaged goods, damaged beyond having a normal friendship. I don't mean they are drug addicts or something like that, they could be obsessive workaholics or extremely negative towards life, making it impossible to form a healthy friendship/relationship with them.

 I am not upset that my efforts haven't paid off, I appreciate the experience of meeting new people, it was great practice for me. The first was my hardest, after the first one which was actually a no show, I was more determined to meet other guys and it gets easier I found. It shouldn't have surprised me (but it did) that the other person was really nervous about meeting me as well. I went in thinking that a coffee date was like a job interview, that I had to convince the other guy that I was worthy of his attention. I now see it as more of a meeting between two people, both hoping to impress the other, both hoping for a connection, it's not a competition to me now, it's a potential forming of a partnership. I just need to keep this in mind, then if we don't click, we are not compatible nothing more, I can't take it personally.

 I am going to wean myself slowly away from two people I have become friends-ish with, they are nice guys but their friendship is something I have to work at, I often hear if a relationship becomes a job, then it's time to rethink that relationship. I realized the other night that I don't have time to be focusing my personal life in an area that will lead nowhere.

 I have found some gay meet up groups, I think my focus should be in that direction, they are people looking for friendships and a community, I realise that the dating sites were never about that, even the friendship sections were about anonymous sex to 99.9% of the users. I have a realistic expectation about trying this route, I will probably fail in my first attempts but hopefully I will find something.

Now About The Roofers. ;)

Before everything went ass over apple cart, if you recall I was having my roof done. That Saturday morning a young guy pulls in, friendly type about thirty maybe younger, a fellow ginger with the short styled hair and a modern neatly kept beard, like many young men have now, he was more of a cub type, husky but in good shape. A second truck pulled in and it was the really hot guy, (yesss ;-) with him was another young guy about twenty three or so, a very ordinary looking guy, a lot more lean than the other two but I still wondered what he would look like naked, I know most of you do it to, don't judge me (lol). There was a different type of guy for me to choose from!

 The weekend before had been insanely hot with really high humidity. I didn't want them to have to suffer through something like that but I was hoping for sunshine and shirts off weather! Unfortunately no... mother nature you b... female dog! It was cold, really cold and as the day went on there was no sun. Not only were the guys wearing shirts, they pulled on their hoodies because a cold wind came up and was chilling them. Seeing my men all bundled up in baggy clothes, I pointed towards the sky grumbling, "ok now you're just being mean".

 They were half finished by the end of the day and would return Sunday morning. That night the temperature went below freezing. The next morning was sunny at least with no breeze, it was still cool enough out but suddenly something wonderful happened. The sunshine heated up the shingles and hour by hour the men began to strip down. I could see how well they fit in their t-shirts, even the lean guy, his job made him well muscled. Then it happened, the hot guy crossed his arms and peeled of his shirt! Oh boy, it was everything in my daydreams, plus he was sweaty in a sexy way. The other guys never did take their shirts off but I drooled all day over the hot guy. To top it off, as the day was ending, I watched him use the garden hose as a shower to cool off, our water gets extremely cold fast and it was funny to hear him yell when it was too much, then he tried to spray the younger guy. I was hoping for a water fight in their underwear but it didn't happen. There were moments when he was working right outside a window and I thought about snapping a picture for the blog but I felt that would be so wrong.

 I'm still mad at mother nature, the next couple of weekends were back to unusually hot and sunny, hot enough that the other two probably would have gone shirtless, maybe they would even have to wear shorts, mmmm think about that, three young men shirtless, in shorts while wearing work boots and a tool belt.