Friday, May 4, 2018
The Notorious Fart Incident.
I just wanted to help people enjoy their broccoli in my last post, then everything went down a gassy rabbit hole. This reminds me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager, it's notorious in my family and my sister still hates me for it to this day. She will whack me on the shoulder when reminded of it. I was laughing to myself over breakfast about it this morning.
Back when I was a teenager of around sixteen, getting tall and lanky, my body was changing in other ways that I was not aware of. In the evening after a meal I often had a lot of bloating, then a lot of releasing, making me sound like a motorbike or something along those lines. What I was not aware of, was that I was becoming lactose intolerant and the cause was drinking a glass of milk with supper.
One of the most annoying things was sometimes when we went to church Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning, the Saturday church had hard wooden seats, there was no give to them and any sound would bounce off and be magnified. Even worse the church had an echo problem, if you dropped a book, it would sound like a tire blew out, if a mosquito got in, it would sound like someone getting a brush cut, so you can imagine how much I was sweating when the pressure kept building below.
Many of my classmates were there with their families, now it may have been a while since your teenage years but try to think back how horrible it was to be embarrassed in front of your peers. Firmly squeezing my cheeks together, I realized I was fighting a losing battle, my Waterloo was coming. My sister was sitting next to me and I knew she would be disgusted, teen years are even harder on girls in my opinion and my sister was a very decent kid, she worked hard at keeping good grades and excelled in team activities, this would make her want to disown me even more.
This wasn't my fault, I didn't know why this was happening, I thought of walking out but I was past that stage, I knew if I moved... then Huston would have liftoff. Sweat was forming on my forehead and I was squeezing so hard that my eyes hurt. The priest said, "and now we take this moment of silence"... so.... yes, that was the point in time when the seal broke. A loud bbrrrrrrrritt echoed throughout the church, I was horrified, life was over, what else could I do, so I panicked and suddenly threw my sister under the bus, I turned to her shaking my head with disapproval and went, "tsk"!
To this day she still hits me saying, "you idiot"!