Thursday, March 23, 2017

Accomplished Goal

Last Saturday I was thinking about goals in life that people set to achieve. Some are small like wanting to visit a tourist attraction that we often heard about, while others are a major part of our life journey, like planning a career. I was thinking about a goal I had set for myself many years ago, in fact I had set it during my teenage years. A goal that I had stopped striving for about twelve years ago, it was the goal of living my life in the closet. I had it all worked out, never put myself in any situation where someone may try to fix me up, never go out with a bunch of single people, never let anyone get too close to me. I had every answer memorized as to why I was still single and more importantly, I became a master at diverting attention away from me when there were too many uncomfortable questions. My plan was simple, I would just continue on being the nice guy, the good son, there was never going to be a dramatic coming out for me. .............................................. That all changed for me when a guy my age suddenly died, he was a good friend's brother, so I knew him well enough. It was the realization that I had never really "lived" and time was not infinite for me, I no longer felt staying closeted was my goal in life, the closet began to feel like a prison. .............................................. This all came crashing back down on me this week after visiting with my mother, she is always happy to see me but she doesn't always know how we relate to each other, some days she thinks I'm one of her brothers. I was thinking on my drive home after, that mom no longer understands, Dad died, my grandparents are all gone now, many of my aunts and uncles even some cousins have died, as most of the neighbours I grew up with around here. I guess what I had been working towards came true, none of these people ever found out about me, only now it feels hollow to me, like being proud of a lie. It's ironic that I achieved something that I was no longer trying to achieve, I accomplished my goal... sadly... and the truth is I accomplished nothing, I still ended up alone.

16 comments:

John Going Gently said...

You have touched and will touch many peoples' lives
Most often without ever knowing the effect you have had.

Thats why we all are so important

Walter said...

Coming out is a personal and deeply intimate process. For some, it's something that happens naturally; for others, it's a life-time thing. I came out when I was 24, and still find myself coming out again and again, to new acquaintance, co-workers, even family. My last boyfriend came out at 47, after being married for 23 years and having three children (all of whom I met). Regret is something hard to live with. Family wants what is best for us, even when they do not know what that is. The only comment I can offer is to be gentle and patient with yourself. There is no reason for castigating yourself over a decision you made years ago. Your current feelings are only that, current feelings. Those can change and you can change with them. I for one I'm glad you are out, coming out, and will continue to do so. Every post you write is a step in that direction. And I applaud you. Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

The two comments written above are so true. I am a firm believer in the premise that you never know how you have touched the lives you have touched. It is indeed why we are all so important. And this whole coming out process is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I totally understand your regrets as I have them sometimes too, and I struggle at times with the decisions that I have made in my life concerning "who I am". But somehow in the end, we do what we have to do at the time. We can only look to the future. Stay on your journey and just be yourself. Thanks for posting.
~Michael

larrymuffin said...

Remember it is never too late, you are still fairly young and you can do whatever you want. Regrets achieve nothing really, the past is just that, the past. Look forward and plan.
Your mother's health situation is a difficult time, my mother went through the same thing and it was painful to witness. That too has an impact on you. Maybe all these events help you in some fashion on your path. Don't be afraid, your blog shows you are doing fine.

Anonymous said...

You assume they never knew. My own personal experience is that those closest to me always knew I was GAY. I expect those who love/loved you were similar in that respect.
I try not to look back. Always look forward otherwise you can't see what's in front of you.
JP

Stephen said...

I can only agree with all the above post. So many of us live our lives at the expectations of others. We hide who we are, we live in the shadows of our closet sometimes overflowing with pain and guilt; we struggle, we bear the pain. Sometimes the lucky ones overcome and finds the strength needed to fling the door off the hinges and then there's some of us still able to only crack the door. Always know you can find strength in the loved ones that will love you no matter what and of course your friends here. Steven, also know how sorry it is to hear about your mom. It is hard, I have lived through it. You both will be in my prayers.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Wow, John Gray, thank you, I said wow because we used to connect on a different blog I had years ago. My hint is that I just returned from a poultry sale. Lol

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Walter, you are right, I shouldn't look bad but sometimes I can't help it. True also as you say, we are always coming out, I haven't told anyone new in years.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Ahh, I thought your name was Michael but just in case I didn't want to call you by the wrong name. Sometimes I just need to put what is bugging me down and suddenly it seems to lose its power.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Laurent, thank you, I guess every experience gives us some lesson in life.

I checked out your other blog and it really helped to absolutely confirm that I'm gay.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JP, I am actually ok with most of those people not knowing, I have no regrets about that, it's all the wasted effort and time that I put into being so obsessed in hiding.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Stephen, I was worried when I wrote this post about you and others who read this blog and are still in the closet. As much as I feel that I should have grown a backbone and come out sooner, I would never criticise someone still in the closet, and I would still give you guys my full understanding.

Ur-spo said...

New goals! New chapter! Say yes!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Yes Dr Spo, new goals, one is to have "my big fat gay wedding" of my very own. Well at least to find someone who will put up with me enough to date me.

Ur-spo said...

I would be honored to date you. I hope you find a fellow deserving of you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Why thank you Dr Spo, and I hope I find that man as well.