Thursday, March 23, 2017
Last Saturday I was thinking about goals in life that people set to achieve. Some are small like wanting to visit a tourist attraction that we often heard about, while others are a major part of our life journey, like planning a career. I was thinking about a goal I had set for myself many years ago, in fact I had set it during my teenage years. A goal that I had stopped striving for about twelve years ago, it was the goal of living my life in the closet. I had it all worked out, never put myself in any situation where someone may try to fix me up, never go out with a bunch of single people, never let anyone get too close to me. I had every answer memorized as to why I was still single and more importantly, I became a master at diverting attention away from me when there were too many uncomfortable questions. My plan was simple, I would just continue on being the nice guy, the good son, there was never going to be a dramatic coming out for me. .............................................. That all changed for me when a guy my age suddenly died, he was a good friend's brother, so I knew him well enough. It was the realization that I had never really "lived" and time was not infinite for me, I no longer felt staying closeted was my goal in life, the closet began to feel like a prison. .............................................. This all came crashing back down on me this week after visiting with my mother, she is always happy to see me but she doesn't always know how we relate to each other, some days she thinks I'm one of her brothers. I was thinking on my drive home after, that mom no longer understands, Dad died, my grandparents are all gone now, many of my aunts and uncles even some cousins have died, as most of the neighbours I grew up with around here. I guess what I had been working towards came true, none of these people ever found out about me, only now it feels hollow to me, like being proud of a lie. It's ironic that I achieved something that I was no longer trying to achieve, I accomplished my goal... sadly... and the truth is I accomplished nothing, I still ended up alone.