I usually do not do memes, I prefer to write when something is on my mind and I feel memes are not inspired. I find most to be too cliche and so I am just not interested in doing them. Over the last few months, some were sent to me and one of the questions I often see is "why do you blog?" There are many reasons why I started to blog but the main one was to help myself come out. Like some sort of cheap therapy where you people listen to me whine and complain instead of paying a shrink, plus at least you guys respond! I heard in therapy they just nod their head and say "hmmm" or "I see". I would not know however, because I never had to go to therapy, just wanted to be clear on that, nope nothing wrong with me... I think. Getting back to 'why blog' well I felt trapped in my own mind before I started to come out and sometimes I needed to see my thoughts or emotions out in the open. It was a release and also very comforting to have many people tell me that they were going through, or had gone through the same thought processes while coming to terms with being gay. Sometimes saying something out loud, changes how you view it compared to hiding it away.
Another reason was that I had become familiar with the blog community and saw how supportive everyone was to each other. I really had the need to connect with other gay men or people who were gay friendly. I had created isolation for myself and felt very alone, I needed the reassurance that I was not alone. The blog help me find a network of friends who gave me the courage and self worth to begin the coming out process. I began to see myself as just a part of society, regarding society as a whole unit, like different races or religions and not as a second class citizen or defective straight person.
I also wanted to blog because part of my courage came from being a lurker for almost two years. I thought since these blogs helped me, then maybe if I write truthfully about the struggles of coming out, maybe I can help someone else in the same position. I also noticed some of my favourite reads had stopped writing and so I felt I should do my part and pick up the torch so to speak.
Everything comes in a circle however and I feel that this blog's time will soon be up. As I said, the purpose of the blog was to help me work through coming out. I am not fully out but I don't think I will push it much more than this, no gay flag T-shirt or anything like that. I sometimes feel now like the blog is becoming a chore and often forced instead of inspired by a need to write. I think it has met it's purpose and there is not much more that I can add without being repetitive. There will always be new people to tell that I am gay, it is part of life. I don't worry about it the way I once did and so it just becomes dull if I always wondered what every new person will think. Regarding my relationship with Dave, most of the 'firsts' and the new-ness is over, from now on it will be a cycle of me going to see him and him seeing me. It would be a little silly to keep writing that we went to another gay bar, party, BBQ or that to get me out of bed, one morning he tossed the cat onto me (yes the brat actually did that)!
It never was my intention to start letting people into my everyday life, I did not want the blog to evolve into that as I am actually a private person. It started to drift that way but I find it hard and feel it is wrong as Dave did not sign up to have his life exposed. He does not complain but I feel it is a bit of a betrayal to his privacy, one of the reasons I do not post a photo of him. I am not saying this is good bye yet but I feel it may happen soon, because of the support and encouragement I have received from so many of you, I felt an explanation was due.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Whew!
Movie night went really well, I was so nervous going over there that Dave kept telling me to relax. I pretty much knew it would be okay but sometimes, we have all probably saw where for no reason, people just clash. Fortunately for me this was not the case. Eric and his wife instantly hit it off with Dave. Even at times jokingly ganging up on me and teasing me. Dave and Eric have a lot in common and often it came to a point where I was left out of the conversation, that was perfectly fine with me, actually I was hoping that would happen. Dave is also used to being around small children, likes to joke with them and so the girls thought the world of him.
Eric's wife went out later for the evening and after the girls were put to bed, it was then movie time! It was perfect because we all like the same type of movies. Sitting there I just felt like the usual me, just guys watching a movie together. The only thing that caused me to wonder, was sometimes Dave would try to hold my hand, lean on me or put his hand on my lap. I felt guilty because I would tell him to stop. It became annoying to me. I felt guilt because I am not sure if I did not want him to do that in front of someone because we are gay or if I just did not want him to do that period. If I were straight, I don't think I would want a girl-friend being like that in front of my friends. I know I don't even like to do that in a gay bar, I don't like public affection, I see affection as an intimate thing not to share with others. The thing with Dave is he will do it more if I try to make him stop, I am not sure if it is a way to tease me or his way to make sure I am not rejecting him (more I think teasing, he is a brat like that). Dave will often try to get me to kiss him in the most awkward of times, always with potential exposure, he laughs when I say no, he likes to make me feel shy. I did not also want to make Eric feel uncomfortable as he is so supportive of me and this relationship, I want to be respectful to him. Eric and his wife are very loving but never have put me in an awkward situation, they as well, are affectionate when alone so I want to be respectful back.
The main thing now is we are establishing groups of people who support us as a couple. We are being asked as a couple to dinners, parties and barbecues. It is a good feeling, an unbelievable feeling, not the disaster that I thought coming out would be. I made the remark to Dave that I used to think if I found someone like him, there would be no point in having a gay wedding because no one would come, however now I see there would be a lot of people who would want to come, in fact some people have already said half joking but half serious that they want to be invited to my gay wedding! I don't want to jump ahead, we have only started this relationship but it is comforting to know there are so many people gay and straight behind us. Dave stayed over night with me, as my place is closer to Eric's than his. He had to leave just before noon, we talked about where we are in this relationship, where we want to go, our dreams etc and we can see that they are pretty much the same dreams. I walked him out to his car, told him I had a good weekend with him, to drive safely and that we would talk later. He pulled out and drove off with one final wave and I am a little embarrassed to say this, but as he disappeared from my sight, I had to fight back tears. I thought to myself, I love that guy.
Eric's wife went out later for the evening and after the girls were put to bed, it was then movie time! It was perfect because we all like the same type of movies. Sitting there I just felt like the usual me, just guys watching a movie together. The only thing that caused me to wonder, was sometimes Dave would try to hold my hand, lean on me or put his hand on my lap. I felt guilty because I would tell him to stop. It became annoying to me. I felt guilt because I am not sure if I did not want him to do that in front of someone because we are gay or if I just did not want him to do that period. If I were straight, I don't think I would want a girl-friend being like that in front of my friends. I know I don't even like to do that in a gay bar, I don't like public affection, I see affection as an intimate thing not to share with others. The thing with Dave is he will do it more if I try to make him stop, I am not sure if it is a way to tease me or his way to make sure I am not rejecting him (more I think teasing, he is a brat like that). Dave will often try to get me to kiss him in the most awkward of times, always with potential exposure, he laughs when I say no, he likes to make me feel shy. I did not also want to make Eric feel uncomfortable as he is so supportive of me and this relationship, I want to be respectful to him. Eric and his wife are very loving but never have put me in an awkward situation, they as well, are affectionate when alone so I want to be respectful back.
The main thing now is we are establishing groups of people who support us as a couple. We are being asked as a couple to dinners, parties and barbecues. It is a good feeling, an unbelievable feeling, not the disaster that I thought coming out would be. I made the remark to Dave that I used to think if I found someone like him, there would be no point in having a gay wedding because no one would come, however now I see there would be a lot of people who would want to come, in fact some people have already said half joking but half serious that they want to be invited to my gay wedding! I don't want to jump ahead, we have only started this relationship but it is comforting to know there are so many people gay and straight behind us. Dave stayed over night with me, as my place is closer to Eric's than his. He had to leave just before noon, we talked about where we are in this relationship, where we want to go, our dreams etc and we can see that they are pretty much the same dreams. I walked him out to his car, told him I had a good weekend with him, to drive safely and that we would talk later. He pulled out and drove off with one final wave and I am a little embarrassed to say this, but as he disappeared from my sight, I had to fight back tears. I thought to myself, I love that guy.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Movie Night
This weekend, Dave and I were suppose to go camping, we were going to get to use a log cabin by a lake and share some of our time with friends of Dave's. Due to a loss in the family of his friends, we decided to not go and will go another time when these people can join us. That left the weekend wide open to doing something else. I was talking to my friend Eric and he asked me if I would be able to come for our usual movie night. Dinner and then the latest movies on DVD, snacks and beer, it was something we had done for years once a month until I met Dave. Lately Erik and I just could not connect our times as we always had other plans. I told him about the cancelled camping trip and he said "bring Dave with you, I would love to meet him" I agreed. I miss our time together, but he is a really good friend to me and completely understood my need to build a relationship with Dave over the last few months. Erik was the first person I came out to, I will always remember and be grateful for the way he was so supportive of me.
It is really important to me that these guys get alone, I love them both so much and it makes me a little nervous. Actually they both have a little of the same personality and sometimes with men that can make them clash a bit. It is also some big firsts for me as well. I have met some of Dave's friends and family but this will be the first time one of my friends will meet Dave. Also this will be the first time I will come to one of my friends as a gay man with a boyfriend. Erik is very supportive of this but still, there is that feeling in my stomach. I am both nervous and excited, finally I get to say, "this is Dave" and it will be understood that this is the person that I love, this is the person that is my partner in being a couple, this is the person that makes me no longer alone.
Most people will just see this as a bunch of guys meeting for movies and chips and partly that is true, however for me it will be another step in my journey, another line that I cross. It sets me on my path of being who I really am and even though it feels a little uncomfortable, it also feels right.
It is really important to me that these guys get alone, I love them both so much and it makes me a little nervous. Actually they both have a little of the same personality and sometimes with men that can make them clash a bit. It is also some big firsts for me as well. I have met some of Dave's friends and family but this will be the first time one of my friends will meet Dave. Also this will be the first time I will come to one of my friends as a gay man with a boyfriend. Erik is very supportive of this but still, there is that feeling in my stomach. I am both nervous and excited, finally I get to say, "this is Dave" and it will be understood that this is the person that I love, this is the person that is my partner in being a couple, this is the person that makes me no longer alone.
Most people will just see this as a bunch of guys meeting for movies and chips and partly that is true, however for me it will be another step in my journey, another line that I cross. It sets me on my path of being who I really am and even though it feels a little uncomfortable, it also feels right.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Spring Weekend
This past weekend was beautiful, sunny and temperatures in the 20s c, or 73 F for my American friends. It was actually hot at noon with the sun being quite strong for a pale, winter white guy like me. Finally spring has arrived here, although it is more like early summer and that bothers me a little. I think we did a "spring into summer" this week. To go from freezing and snow up to my hips to walking around in shorts being chased by bugs in a matter of days. What happened to the gently spring I was looking forward to. Sunday was nice and I went over to spend the day with Dave, we had a BBQ and everything was sooo good, that man is going to make me fat!
Dave pulled out two bikes and said lets go bike riding for the afternoon. I said sure but in my head the little voice was saying, 'hey you have not rode a bike in years!' I was proud of myself, we went riding most of the afternoon and I was not doing too bad. At first I was a little shaky but riding a bike came back to me like... well riding a bike. Either I am getting older or I just don't remember those bike seats being such little bum torture devices. I kept thinking I was going to be saddle sore like a cowboy the next day. There were times I thought it might hurt less if I removed the seat and just sat on the bar, there are just too many gay and S&M jokes there so moving along. We stopped in to see his Dad and then over to his brother's place. I met more of Dave's family and they were friendly enough with me.
I often find that a strange moment, meeting his family. I always think it should be an awkward moment but it is only awkward for me. To them, Dave has been out for years and it is a complete non issue. They either are indifferent to him dating me or happy that he has found someone. It is only an issue to me because in my frame of mind, each meeting is a coming out. I feel bad that I can't do that with my family, well partly I can but not totally. We have discussed this, he understands and says we will roll with it. We did talk about me being overwhelmed by things at times, he told me that we will take it as fast or slow as I want to. I think his attitude is one reason that I have felt comfortable in coming out to so many people lately, he never pressures me and so I know there is that safety switch there, where I can say "slow down a minute" it lets me feel relaxed enough to move ahead.
Sometimes when Dave is busy doing work in his yard, I stop for a minute and just watch him. I get a feeling inside and think, "wow, that man is my boyfriend, I really love that guy" it almost makes me dizzy and even though we have only been going out a short time, our closeness makes him feel like family to me, as if I could see what it would be like if we were married someday. I can never stand to see him sad or be away from him for very long. It does not matter to me anymore who approves of me or who does not, yes I would be hurt if someone rejected me but there is no one who could tell me not to see him, not to be gay, with out him in my life now, the pain would be too great and no family member or friend has that right.
We made it back from our bike ride safe and sound, sweaty and a little tired but still able to move our rusty joints. Dave the super cook made a great supper, a little TV, early to bed so we can snuggle a little, hey everyone needs some loving, everyone needs to hear 'I love you' and know the person really means it. The next morning we were not too sore either, so I guess I am not in as bad a shape as I thought. Next week we are suppose to go camping for the whole weekend. I am really looking forward to spending some time with him getting to know nature better. I just hope that hungry bears are homophobic about what they eat!
Dave pulled out two bikes and said lets go bike riding for the afternoon. I said sure but in my head the little voice was saying, 'hey you have not rode a bike in years!' I was proud of myself, we went riding most of the afternoon and I was not doing too bad. At first I was a little shaky but riding a bike came back to me like... well riding a bike. Either I am getting older or I just don't remember those bike seats being such little bum torture devices. I kept thinking I was going to be saddle sore like a cowboy the next day. There were times I thought it might hurt less if I removed the seat and just sat on the bar, there are just too many gay and S&M jokes there so moving along. We stopped in to see his Dad and then over to his brother's place. I met more of Dave's family and they were friendly enough with me.
I often find that a strange moment, meeting his family. I always think it should be an awkward moment but it is only awkward for me. To them, Dave has been out for years and it is a complete non issue. They either are indifferent to him dating me or happy that he has found someone. It is only an issue to me because in my frame of mind, each meeting is a coming out. I feel bad that I can't do that with my family, well partly I can but not totally. We have discussed this, he understands and says we will roll with it. We did talk about me being overwhelmed by things at times, he told me that we will take it as fast or slow as I want to. I think his attitude is one reason that I have felt comfortable in coming out to so many people lately, he never pressures me and so I know there is that safety switch there, where I can say "slow down a minute" it lets me feel relaxed enough to move ahead.
Sometimes when Dave is busy doing work in his yard, I stop for a minute and just watch him. I get a feeling inside and think, "wow, that man is my boyfriend, I really love that guy" it almost makes me dizzy and even though we have only been going out a short time, our closeness makes him feel like family to me, as if I could see what it would be like if we were married someday. I can never stand to see him sad or be away from him for very long. It does not matter to me anymore who approves of me or who does not, yes I would be hurt if someone rejected me but there is no one who could tell me not to see him, not to be gay, with out him in my life now, the pain would be too great and no family member or friend has that right.
We made it back from our bike ride safe and sound, sweaty and a little tired but still able to move our rusty joints. Dave the super cook made a great supper, a little TV, early to bed so we can snuggle a little, hey everyone needs some loving, everyone needs to hear 'I love you' and know the person really means it. The next morning we were not too sore either, so I guess I am not in as bad a shape as I thought. Next week we are suppose to go camping for the whole weekend. I am really looking forward to spending some time with him getting to know nature better. I just hope that hungry bears are homophobic about what they eat!
Friday, April 18, 2008
Self Doubt, My Old Enemy
Last night I had a visit from an old enemy, my self doubt about my sexuality. It came in a wave of emotions, I was quite shocked with how strong it was and also in wondering where it suddenly came from. I was lying in bed with Dave and I had a feeling that this was not where I was suppose to be. That I was meant to be a man with a wife and family, not lying next to another man. That I am going against God, nature, the universe or what, I am not sure of. It almost made me tear up in frustration, I don't understand what I am suppose to do with this. I have known that I am gay since I was young so there is no confusion there. I have zero attraction to women so I could never attempt to fake a marriage, plus I could never 'use' another person for my own gain. I read about a lot of men who tried to lead that life but being gay will call you out sooner or later, so I know I made the right choice there. I don't understand God's plan or nature's mistake which ever it is. I am trying to do the best I can with what I have and I thought a relationship with a guy like Dave is the right path for me. Now I feel stuck again, either way I am going against the grain, if I date a guy then I am going against society, if I date a woman (never will) I am going against my sexuality. I will not go back to being single, I don't want to be alone anymore and Dave means the world to me. I did not say a word to Dave, I did not think he would understand.
Maybe I should not have been surprised, I guess these feelings may have been lurking at the surface and I was just ignoring them. Dave never pushes me, however sometimes I 'feel' like he does. I have to remind him that I just came out, he is supportive and understanding of this but sometimes where he sees no problem, I see a mountain. We did have a discussion before bed that may have helped trigger these feelings. I had just met a couple more of his friends and some times that unnerves me because they know right away that I am gay. I don't have my comfort wall of being able to gauge them first and even though they accept Dave and are happy for him, I feel that a stranger knows my inner most secret, one that I had guarded even from my closest friends for years. I know it sounds strange but it takes a bit out of me then that happens, meeting new people as a gay man that is. We don't argue (yet) but the discussion was he wants me to come to a party with him as his date. I have done this before and again this will be with a bunch of people from his work. The thing is some do not know he is gay and I told him I am not up to being his way to announce to everyone that he is gay. At first he did not understand and insisted that I come. I told him the truth, that I am tired of going to parties with all straight people that are strangers to me. I am tired of being the "gay couple" at the parties and BBQs, I don't want to be that accessory where people think their party was cool because there was a gay couple there. I know it is nice that he loves me and wants his friends to meet me but I reminded him of my coming out only a few months ago and said this is taking a toll on me. He then understood, he asked if it would be okay if some of his gay friends wanted us to come for dinner, I said I would like that very much, I think it would be more relaxing, at least I would not feel like a novelty. Dave's friends are great, they have known for years he is gay but not everyone at his work knows and whether kind or not I am not always up for this yet, I still find it hard. Entering a party as a gay couple makes me feel the large exposure.
I don't want to chicken out on who I am but I would rather ease into this life. Maybe that is why the sudden regression in thinking has returned. I have to work through this and banish those thoughts. As I said before, where am I suppose to go with this, someone or something made me a totally gay man and if that someone or something feels it is wrong, then it is their mistake, I am just trying to live with it the best I know how.
Maybe I should not have been surprised, I guess these feelings may have been lurking at the surface and I was just ignoring them. Dave never pushes me, however sometimes I 'feel' like he does. I have to remind him that I just came out, he is supportive and understanding of this but sometimes where he sees no problem, I see a mountain. We did have a discussion before bed that may have helped trigger these feelings. I had just met a couple more of his friends and some times that unnerves me because they know right away that I am gay. I don't have my comfort wall of being able to gauge them first and even though they accept Dave and are happy for him, I feel that a stranger knows my inner most secret, one that I had guarded even from my closest friends for years. I know it sounds strange but it takes a bit out of me then that happens, meeting new people as a gay man that is. We don't argue (yet) but the discussion was he wants me to come to a party with him as his date. I have done this before and again this will be with a bunch of people from his work. The thing is some do not know he is gay and I told him I am not up to being his way to announce to everyone that he is gay. At first he did not understand and insisted that I come. I told him the truth, that I am tired of going to parties with all straight people that are strangers to me. I am tired of being the "gay couple" at the parties and BBQs, I don't want to be that accessory where people think their party was cool because there was a gay couple there. I know it is nice that he loves me and wants his friends to meet me but I reminded him of my coming out only a few months ago and said this is taking a toll on me. He then understood, he asked if it would be okay if some of his gay friends wanted us to come for dinner, I said I would like that very much, I think it would be more relaxing, at least I would not feel like a novelty. Dave's friends are great, they have known for years he is gay but not everyone at his work knows and whether kind or not I am not always up for this yet, I still find it hard. Entering a party as a gay couple makes me feel the large exposure.
I don't want to chicken out on who I am but I would rather ease into this life. Maybe that is why the sudden regression in thinking has returned. I have to work through this and banish those thoughts. As I said before, where am I suppose to go with this, someone or something made me a totally gay man and if that someone or something feels it is wrong, then it is their mistake, I am just trying to live with it the best I know how.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
What Is In The Case?
One night after eating supper I sat down to be lazy... um I mean relax and watch some TV. Usually I don't watch a lot of TV, in fact I do not even have cable. I felt it was throwing away money since I would rather talk with friends or play on the computer. I do not have an issue with watching TV, more like I get bored with it as there are very few shows that surprise me with their story lines anymore. There was nothing very interesting on that night and flipping through the channels I was about to watch 'Deal Or No Deal'. Sitting there I heard the lady say what is in case number 2, then the host says what is in case number two, then he repeats it again, case number two. Suddenly I thought to myself, wake up! Life is passing you by and what am I doing here watching this crap, why are millions of people sitting at home watching this! When did we let our lives become so meaningless and dull that this is now entertainment! How unintelligent to let myself be entertained by this. Open case number two, open case number ten, open case number three, is that not what we do to a baby. Open the pretty box and see what is inside. Have we become an excited puppy, sitting there wagging his tail to see if there is a treat in the box. I already know what is inside, it is my time that I wasted watching this show. I don't mean that as a slight against the show, I mean it as in, time is ticking away for all of us, for me, for you and this life is all we get. The universe will turn, spin, move forward and that hour will never return to be reclaimed for better use.
When did people let themselves get so "dumb downed" by these type of shows. It does not matter 'what is in the case', whether it is one dollar or a million, it does not affect my life in any way, I will not learn anything, nor benefit from it and within an hour I will probably never think of that particular show again, let alone any certain case. At least some shows you can learn about history, art, music and more from the questions, so not a total waste of time. A friend of mine once noted that in our parents younger days (at least in the country) the people had to entertain themselves, so they often learned to play an instrument or sing, some even would paint, carve or had another hobby. TV seems to have replaced that now. I had to agree with my friend because he said this to me while we were driving home one night from a long trip and as we passed through towns, villages and farming communities, he pointed out that all the houses looked quiet except for the blue glow of a TV set coming from every house. I wonder how many people watched that show instead of spending time with their kids, taking the dog for a walk or doing something for their health like exercise. How many people sat there thinking I 'will' do it differently, I 'will' win when I am on there, that is the other part of reality that does not kick in, the chance of getting on are next to nothing.
To me it suddenly made no sense to sit there and watch the show, I don't think it belongs to the great design of life, it does not fulfill my purpose on earth. I picked up the remote and clicked off the TV, I went to the phone and connected to a friend and after I went on line and learned something about a news event that I wanted to understand better. I will try to use my time better, as for what is in the case... nothing Howie, there is absolutely nothing in there for me.
When did people let themselves get so "dumb downed" by these type of shows. It does not matter 'what is in the case', whether it is one dollar or a million, it does not affect my life in any way, I will not learn anything, nor benefit from it and within an hour I will probably never think of that particular show again, let alone any certain case. At least some shows you can learn about history, art, music and more from the questions, so not a total waste of time. A friend of mine once noted that in our parents younger days (at least in the country) the people had to entertain themselves, so they often learned to play an instrument or sing, some even would paint, carve or had another hobby. TV seems to have replaced that now. I had to agree with my friend because he said this to me while we were driving home one night from a long trip and as we passed through towns, villages and farming communities, he pointed out that all the houses looked quiet except for the blue glow of a TV set coming from every house. I wonder how many people watched that show instead of spending time with their kids, taking the dog for a walk or doing something for their health like exercise. How many people sat there thinking I 'will' do it differently, I 'will' win when I am on there, that is the other part of reality that does not kick in, the chance of getting on are next to nothing.
To me it suddenly made no sense to sit there and watch the show, I don't think it belongs to the great design of life, it does not fulfill my purpose on earth. I picked up the remote and clicked off the TV, I went to the phone and connected to a friend and after I went on line and learned something about a news event that I wanted to understand better. I will try to use my time better, as for what is in the case... nothing Howie, there is absolutely nothing in there for me.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Really Great Sex
We would all like to be able to have really great sex. I am not one of those people that thinks sex is everything in a relationship, as most of you can guess by now I am usually a fairly reserved person and I think I see the bigger picture in life. I understand the greatest moments are more along the lines of your partner bringing you that perfect cup of coffee/tea/beer/wine to relax and watch a beautiful sunset together. However good sex is a bonus to that relationship, great sex is just a really fun connection 'thing' to do between you and your honey bunny! Yesterday I was not having a good day, a lot of personal stuff that was not working out for me. Dave was out with friends of his, so I was surprised to get a call from him in the evening. He was only ten minutes away from me and wanted to come over, I was happy to hear his voice and told him to "get here now!"
It was a nice surprise, I was so glad to see him at that moment and it made all the days events fade away. Visiting so late led him to staying over and I really wanted that. Since he does not have the net at his home, I was showing him some hot, nasty, gay sex stuff on Xtube, oh yeeeeah! You should know I'm not always a good little guy, I have my dirty-boy side as well! The effect of the steamy, nasty, gay videos made for two really hot and bothered guys who were about to go to bed, well can't sleep so what to do, what to do. Forgive me but I am about to get a little rude here. We had really great sex, yes it is no longer work for us, we have found our rhythm and everything works nicely. Surprising enough, even though Dave is a big straight acting man and in construction type work, I am more of a top in this relationship, at first I was a little awkward with this position (ok pun intended) in the relationship but now I am really into it, hear me roar! Yup really great sex, bodies sweating, moaning, groaning, mattress creaking, bed posts banging on the wall sex. In fact it was so good we talked about it after for hours, it was so good we decided to try it again! Yup even better sex the next round and I think that I saw stars the second time! It should have worn me down but after it seemed to kick me into high gear and I could have went a third time, only that Dave has to work on a project today, plus he said something about walking funny.
Really great sex is what I think you people should try for this weekend, everyone deserves to have it. Now I can not believe I waited so long, I mean does everyone know about this? Take some time this weekend to connect with your partner and slam bodies, laugh, have fun, enjoy yourselves-together, I guess even if you are alone you could have a great moment but I suggest to find a partner in the future. It is hard to close this post, there is no point to it really, other than to brag and say that I had really.... okay you already know! ;)
It was a nice surprise, I was so glad to see him at that moment and it made all the days events fade away. Visiting so late led him to staying over and I really wanted that. Since he does not have the net at his home, I was showing him some hot, nasty, gay sex stuff on Xtube, oh yeeeeah! You should know I'm not always a good little guy, I have my dirty-boy side as well! The effect of the steamy, nasty, gay videos made for two really hot and bothered guys who were about to go to bed, well can't sleep so what to do, what to do. Forgive me but I am about to get a little rude here. We had really great sex, yes it is no longer work for us, we have found our rhythm and everything works nicely. Surprising enough, even though Dave is a big straight acting man and in construction type work, I am more of a top in this relationship, at first I was a little awkward with this position (ok pun intended) in the relationship but now I am really into it, hear me roar! Yup really great sex, bodies sweating, moaning, groaning, mattress creaking, bed posts banging on the wall sex. In fact it was so good we talked about it after for hours, it was so good we decided to try it again! Yup even better sex the next round and I think that I saw stars the second time! It should have worn me down but after it seemed to kick me into high gear and I could have went a third time, only that Dave has to work on a project today, plus he said something about walking funny.
Really great sex is what I think you people should try for this weekend, everyone deserves to have it. Now I can not believe I waited so long, I mean does everyone know about this? Take some time this weekend to connect with your partner and slam bodies, laugh, have fun, enjoy yourselves-together, I guess even if you are alone you could have a great moment but I suggest to find a partner in the future. It is hard to close this post, there is no point to it really, other than to brag and say that I had really.... okay you already know! ;)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Moving Right Along
After I wrote the last post about the possibility of being outed, I felt a little embarrassed and wanted to delete it. I did not however as those were my feelings and I wanted to show that as much as I try to tell myself that it is okay to be gay, I still have a lot of the same fears. Maybe that is a bit of regression but I also feel it would be dishonest of me to pretend that being gay was easy for me now. I wanted anyone new to the scene who feels unsure about dealing with their feelings, to know I am still often in that same position, I have not picked up a rainbow flag and started waving it around. I do agree with a lot of the comments, once the ball starts rolling, often it is best to get out of the way and just let it roll, of course it never hurts to control the direction a little. For anyone new reading this, it really helps to have supportive friends (gay or straight) and it is much easier for me now that I have Dave. I often heard that when you love someone it gets a little easier. I feel that is true as I don't want to hide my relationship with Dave, I want to tell everyone about it. Nothing came of the face-book slip, Elly felt really bad about it, I told her not to worry, I could see that she was happy for me and that is why she made the slip, I can't be upset because she was happy for me, I actually think it was sweet.
This week it will be two months that Dave and I have been going out, time flew by so quick. I stayed over at his place on the weekend and we went out to dinner and then dancing. Sitting in the restaurant together, I was very comfortable with Dave, the thought never crossed my mind about sitting there as a couple, last year I don't think I could do it. I would be worried as to who might walk in or would strangers figure it out and laugh about it behind my back. Now I don't really care, these people will not be there for me when I am down, sick or lonely, Dave on the other hand wants to spend every free second he has with me. He loves me so the others don't count in my world, I need to think what is best for me now and he is best for me right now.
The food was really good, there was a wide choice to pick from. While sitting there eating, he would often give me one of his playful winks, I love it when he does that. After we went to a gay bar and danced. Dave hates to dance, that is what I love about going to dance with him, I know he is doing it just for me. Any friends of his that find out we went dancing always say "this must be something special" because they are shocked. To be honest, and I hope he never finds this blog, Dave does not dance well, however because he is doing it to show me he cares about things I like, that makes him perfect in my mind, plus also it is kind of cute to watch.
Most of the guys were quite cute, all ages and we had a good time. Nothing major to mention here this time. When I was entering the bar one drunk older guy said to us "be careful, there are a bunch of queers in there" I turned to him and said "a bunch, okay good!" There was also a guy walking around with a leather mask on, the kind with the zipper on the lips, a dog collar, a huge flannel shirt and ass-less chaps, umm no he was not wearing pants or underwear! Dave and I were so proud of each other as we could pee in the washrooms, no more pee shyness! For the women that read this or men who never get this, some men (like me and Dave), if they have another man stand beside or behind them while trying to pee, it makes you so tense that your system closes your bladder, so no matter how bad you have to go, your body will not let you, even if you force. I think we could go because we would stand beside each other as back up. The problem with this was it attracted attention, some perverts wanted to watch as they must have thought we were going to do something. I was a little upset that the only guy to hit on me was a really old guy that came up to me doing something obscene with his lips.
The music was not that good, I am not a DJ but I think if you play boring dance tunes that clear the floor completely at least four times, you should have your ass fired. Maybe it is just me but if the song sucks and everyone stops dancing, then I don't think you should let the song run for it's full ten minute extended version, just a thought like I said I am not a DJ. If we are there to dance lets feel the beat, don't put on some crap that sounds like a kid playing a video game or something that sounds like competition for Enya. Not to be picky but a lot of the tunes were the same as the last two times I was there, in the same order and I know the song 'you spin me round' is a great dance tune from the 80s, plus it has the gay-trans connection, but it should remain a good memory left in the 80s only to be dusted off on retro nights. Okay rant over, it was the music that made us leave at one AM instead of two.
On Sunday Dave took me to meet some of his family. It was a huge moment for me as this was the first time to meet a boyfriend's family. Dave has been out for ten years and his family was supportive from day one so it was no big deal for them. In fact they talked mostly about family stuff and I felt a bit left out. Still it was a positive experience and I never felt like a zoo attraction to be stared at. I am back to working on my relationship with Dave, working on who I am as a gay man and not worrying about who saw what last week. There are more important things to worry about and as for life in general, I think I will keep moving along.
This week it will be two months that Dave and I have been going out, time flew by so quick. I stayed over at his place on the weekend and we went out to dinner and then dancing. Sitting in the restaurant together, I was very comfortable with Dave, the thought never crossed my mind about sitting there as a couple, last year I don't think I could do it. I would be worried as to who might walk in or would strangers figure it out and laugh about it behind my back. Now I don't really care, these people will not be there for me when I am down, sick or lonely, Dave on the other hand wants to spend every free second he has with me. He loves me so the others don't count in my world, I need to think what is best for me now and he is best for me right now.
The food was really good, there was a wide choice to pick from. While sitting there eating, he would often give me one of his playful winks, I love it when he does that. After we went to a gay bar and danced. Dave hates to dance, that is what I love about going to dance with him, I know he is doing it just for me. Any friends of his that find out we went dancing always say "this must be something special" because they are shocked. To be honest, and I hope he never finds this blog, Dave does not dance well, however because he is doing it to show me he cares about things I like, that makes him perfect in my mind, plus also it is kind of cute to watch.
Most of the guys were quite cute, all ages and we had a good time. Nothing major to mention here this time. When I was entering the bar one drunk older guy said to us "be careful, there are a bunch of queers in there" I turned to him and said "a bunch, okay good!" There was also a guy walking around with a leather mask on, the kind with the zipper on the lips, a dog collar, a huge flannel shirt and ass-less chaps, umm no he was not wearing pants or underwear! Dave and I were so proud of each other as we could pee in the washrooms, no more pee shyness! For the women that read this or men who never get this, some men (like me and Dave), if they have another man stand beside or behind them while trying to pee, it makes you so tense that your system closes your bladder, so no matter how bad you have to go, your body will not let you, even if you force. I think we could go because we would stand beside each other as back up. The problem with this was it attracted attention, some perverts wanted to watch as they must have thought we were going to do something. I was a little upset that the only guy to hit on me was a really old guy that came up to me doing something obscene with his lips.
The music was not that good, I am not a DJ but I think if you play boring dance tunes that clear the floor completely at least four times, you should have your ass fired. Maybe it is just me but if the song sucks and everyone stops dancing, then I don't think you should let the song run for it's full ten minute extended version, just a thought like I said I am not a DJ. If we are there to dance lets feel the beat, don't put on some crap that sounds like a kid playing a video game or something that sounds like competition for Enya. Not to be picky but a lot of the tunes were the same as the last two times I was there, in the same order and I know the song 'you spin me round' is a great dance tune from the 80s, plus it has the gay-trans connection, but it should remain a good memory left in the 80s only to be dusted off on retro nights. Okay rant over, it was the music that made us leave at one AM instead of two.
On Sunday Dave took me to meet some of his family. It was a huge moment for me as this was the first time to meet a boyfriend's family. Dave has been out for ten years and his family was supportive from day one so it was no big deal for them. In fact they talked mostly about family stuff and I felt a bit left out. Still it was a positive experience and I never felt like a zoo attraction to be stared at. I am back to working on my relationship with Dave, working on who I am as a gay man and not worrying about who saw what last week. There are more important things to worry about and as for life in general, I think I will keep moving along.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Outed, D'oh!
A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. The one reason that I had held back on telling my friend Elly about being gay, was not out of fear of her reaction, more a fear of loss of control over who knows and who does not know. She would never set out to hurt me, more like she would let things slip. Yesterday since a lot of my friends had asked to see a picture of Dave, I put a picture of us together on my Facebook site, yes I know I should never have joined Facebook but I did. Elly did not mean any harm and made a cute comment about us being together, however the picture of us and the comment then showed up on her site, she has a lot of people on her site that I would call poison as she is too kind to refuse the 'friend requests' of people that we really don't like or trust. Today it has been removed but I guess depending on who saw, the damage will already have been done. I am a private person and I like to keep personal things private, (well except on my blog, which does actually sound quite funny, however I trust all of you total strangers) my family is the same way whether gay or straight they like to keep to themselves. I don't mind my friends knowing things about me as I feel they earned my trust, they actually care about me and are part of my life so they are invited in. Others that have shown they can not be trusted I feel have no right in my business as I could care less about theirs.
I guess this was bound to happen as I come out more and more to people. I still think of myself as a closeted person and I want to remain partly that way for the time being, not hiding but low key. I am not afraid however, just annoyed. All I can do now is wait for the fallout and hope the thickness of most straight people when exposed to gay life comes into play and they do not catch on.
I guess this was bound to happen as I come out more and more to people. I still think of myself as a closeted person and I want to remain partly that way for the time being, not hiding but low key. I am not afraid however, just annoyed. All I can do now is wait for the fallout and hope the thickness of most straight people when exposed to gay life comes into play and they do not catch on.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Old Dog, New Tricks
When I was growing up in the country, one of our neighbours had this nice old collie dog, he was a good dog, friendly, good working dog and most of all never left his yard to bother the surrounding farms and villages. One day however this trouble making bitch came to his place (that is bitch as in female dog) and even worse she was in heat. For the first time in Shep's long life he had a taste of doggy love, umm well actually more like doggy style, but you get my meaning. The farmer was very upset by this, he said that once Shep had a taste of 'wild oats', he would always look for it and the farmer was afraid he would start to ramble. Well sure enough poor old Shep started to go out on the town looking for bitches to hook up with, the farmer had no choice but to start to tie him up when no one was around. Suddenly I understand old Shep now, the more you get the more you want and like that old dog, I can't help but make up any excuse to wander over to Dave's place at night, woof!
I understand better the difference between sex and making love to someone, I mean I always understood what someone was trying to say with that remark, but now it is a reality for me. My first boyfriend from many years ago and I had a few good times also, but I never felt the same connection as I do with Dave. Sometimes in those moments together, the bond is so intimate and I feel such a deep love for him, that the need for my expression to him of that love almost makes me cry. I know that may sound strange but these are emotions that have been waiting to come out for years and it can be over whelming to me at times. Often I really feel during sex, that thrusting deeper is an act to get myself closer to Dave, as close and connected as I physically can be to him, and not actually an act just for pleasure. In the moment of passion, I think that is as intimate as you can get with someone, they are giving themselves to you and you are giving yourself to the other person, you are trusting each other in one of your most vulnerable moments, you can no longer hide anything and if you truly let go, you have reached that final step that is something only you and your partner can share.
Dave often jokes and asks if I am real or is he dreaming. He will often say "pinch me" to see if he is sleeping. I think the opposite, if I am dreaming then leave me, let me sleep. Don't pinch me, don't wake me because I want to stay here in this dream. For me to wake and find myself in a world without Dave, would be the beginning of my nightmare.
I understand better the difference between sex and making love to someone, I mean I always understood what someone was trying to say with that remark, but now it is a reality for me. My first boyfriend from many years ago and I had a few good times also, but I never felt the same connection as I do with Dave. Sometimes in those moments together, the bond is so intimate and I feel such a deep love for him, that the need for my expression to him of that love almost makes me cry. I know that may sound strange but these are emotions that have been waiting to come out for years and it can be over whelming to me at times. Often I really feel during sex, that thrusting deeper is an act to get myself closer to Dave, as close and connected as I physically can be to him, and not actually an act just for pleasure. In the moment of passion, I think that is as intimate as you can get with someone, they are giving themselves to you and you are giving yourself to the other person, you are trusting each other in one of your most vulnerable moments, you can no longer hide anything and if you truly let go, you have reached that final step that is something only you and your partner can share.
Dave often jokes and asks if I am real or is he dreaming. He will often say "pinch me" to see if he is sleeping. I think the opposite, if I am dreaming then leave me, let me sleep. Don't pinch me, don't wake me because I want to stay here in this dream. For me to wake and find myself in a world without Dave, would be the beginning of my nightmare.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
It Didn't Work!
Oh no I was tricked! Dave called and had me go over to his place last night, what I did not know was that it was for a gay intervention. He told me there was something he wanted to show me upstairs and that was it! All my 'straight training' went out the window! Crap I am gay again, I mean woo hoo I am gay again! Yes, man body is the only body for me, I prefer outies over innies! Yes people I was only joking yesterday, it was an April fools joke, come on there is just no way a gay man is going to get rid of his ABBA Cds let alone stop watching The Sound Of Music. Dave and I are fine, I have not been converted over. Java you are right, I feel so much better today on this 2nd day of April! To help me back to normal, this morning Dave gave me a bowl of 'Frootloops', I asked him why and he said that 'Frootloops' are 'gay Cheerios' and it would be a good return breakfast. You don't have to worry about me, I have a pretty good 'b.s' detector and a group that would try to change me, would only have a fight on their hands. Sorry if I scared or offended anyone and also sorry to Joe, I contacted him as he is one of my favourite blog-bears and we are okay now. You should know by now that Canadians have that bad, dry sense of humour. The brat in me is soooo pleased that some of you were taken in, my bad! Thanks for sharing a laugh with me.
On a completely different note, spring has finally decided to show itself the last two days, yesterday was actually warm, a few degrees above freezing. This morning it was back to the deep freeze but sunny. Early this morning I was looking out Dave's bathroom window, the sun was not up yet but you could see everything with that pale blue light of dawn. His house backs onto woodlands with a creek flowing past. I was thinking how cold outside it was, when I saw a beaver swim past the house in the rushing water. How tough animals are, I did not want to go out in the freezing wind and here is this little guy swimming in the frigid water, with the early morning cold temperatures, made me go back under the covers.
On a completely different note, spring has finally decided to show itself the last two days, yesterday was actually warm, a few degrees above freezing. This morning it was back to the deep freeze but sunny. Early this morning I was looking out Dave's bathroom window, the sun was not up yet but you could see everything with that pale blue light of dawn. His house backs onto woodlands with a creek flowing past. I was thinking how cold outside it was, when I saw a beaver swim past the house in the rushing water. How tough animals are, I did not want to go out in the freezing wind and here is this little guy swimming in the frigid water, with the early morning cold temperatures, made me go back under the covers.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Time For A Change?
I had a very emotional weekend that started with confusion and ended with a feeling of relief. I had met some people through a christian friend of mine and they invited me out to spend time at a retreat camp with them. From my friend they all knew about my being gay and while there, they told me that they loved me and explained how I had been a good person but I now have strayed from the path I am suppose to be on. They brought back old memories of my struggles with being gay and wanting a normal life with a wife and children so that everyone would be happy for me. The good news is that they have learned new ways to change a person through a lot of prayer and support from being gay to straight. I had heard of this and always wondered if this would work, they assured me that their group had cured many homosexuals of their illness, being a religious group I knew they would not lie to me so I gave it a try. I started their program and they explained how they will change me back to the way I am suppose to be. By Sunday morning I really felt it was working, I could really get my gay thinking under control with the new thought techniques they trained me to use. I called Dave, I tried to get him to come and try it as well, he hung up and would not talk to me, I will give him a few days to calm down and then I will get him to come here so he can be cured also. This will give me the freedom I have so long been looking for.
They also gave me some lifestyle choices that I have to go along with in order for the change over to be complete and not reverse. I asked if anyone did reverse after being cured, they all suddenly looked at each other and snapped a strong 'no' so I just know this will work because I am sure a devout bunch of people would not make up stats or say something that was not true. They told me I had to turn in my ABBA, Enya and Sarah Brightman Cd's, they said it softens the male mind and causes him to take on female characteristics. They were very helpful in providing me with a list of approved harder rock and country songs, they really pushed for the country songs as some had a problem with the rock lyrics. They also went through a list of DVDs I have to get rid of, like 'The Sound of Music', actually they do not want me to have any musicals at all. They told me only movies that had a theme of religion, action heroes (that keep their shirts on), lots of guns or movies that have all three are highly recommended.
They did like my clothes, blacks, beige, dark blues and greens. They said dull and low-key earth tones are good to wear, so no pinks, yellows or reds, unless on a sports team then red is good as it should make me think of the other team bleeding on the field. They also warned me against wearing all black, I can only wear black pants or a shirt but not the two together. Their fear is all black could lead to being 'Emo' (yes I'm too old for that so shut) or reading poetry and that could cause a reversal. Absolutely no spandex, Lycra or anything too tight, flashy or stretchy. Just good old jeans (not cut up to the butt) and anything cotton or wool. Just a normal belt, it has to be black or brown. Shoes have to be bought because they were on sale or a really low price and not by the brand name, I am not allowed to care about brand names but I understand that and will follow it.
Same with food, just normal things like steak, hamburger, pork chops, hot dogs, potatoes, lettuce and chicken. Nothing with a fancy name or cooked by a French chef, even worse a french waiter that flaps through the restaurant like a butterfly, they told me to watch for that and leave if he makes me think of Clay Aiken or Tom Cruise. Only beer instead of wine and no drinks with fruit or umbrellas in them.
I was really skeptical at first, but after they told me that I was really born straight and something triggered my being gay, I just knew they would understand me and what makes me tick. I mean really who better to understand a gay person and how we think than a straight person. I feel bad about Dave being so upset at the moment but he will thank me once he is better and has his own family. I will keep writing about my progress so that I can keep you posted on how the treatments are working. I just felt that I wanted to share this new life experience with you all. It will be a new fresh start for me in this new month of April 01, 2008 and I hope you all support me in this.
They also gave me some lifestyle choices that I have to go along with in order for the change over to be complete and not reverse. I asked if anyone did reverse after being cured, they all suddenly looked at each other and snapped a strong 'no' so I just know this will work because I am sure a devout bunch of people would not make up stats or say something that was not true. They told me I had to turn in my ABBA, Enya and Sarah Brightman Cd's, they said it softens the male mind and causes him to take on female characteristics. They were very helpful in providing me with a list of approved harder rock and country songs, they really pushed for the country songs as some had a problem with the rock lyrics. They also went through a list of DVDs I have to get rid of, like 'The Sound of Music', actually they do not want me to have any musicals at all. They told me only movies that had a theme of religion, action heroes (that keep their shirts on), lots of guns or movies that have all three are highly recommended.
They did like my clothes, blacks, beige, dark blues and greens. They said dull and low-key earth tones are good to wear, so no pinks, yellows or reds, unless on a sports team then red is good as it should make me think of the other team bleeding on the field. They also warned me against wearing all black, I can only wear black pants or a shirt but not the two together. Their fear is all black could lead to being 'Emo' (yes I'm too old for that so shut) or reading poetry and that could cause a reversal. Absolutely no spandex, Lycra or anything too tight, flashy or stretchy. Just good old jeans (not cut up to the butt) and anything cotton or wool. Just a normal belt, it has to be black or brown. Shoes have to be bought because they were on sale or a really low price and not by the brand name, I am not allowed to care about brand names but I understand that and will follow it.
Same with food, just normal things like steak, hamburger, pork chops, hot dogs, potatoes, lettuce and chicken. Nothing with a fancy name or cooked by a French chef, even worse a french waiter that flaps through the restaurant like a butterfly, they told me to watch for that and leave if he makes me think of Clay Aiken or Tom Cruise. Only beer instead of wine and no drinks with fruit or umbrellas in them.
I was really skeptical at first, but after they told me that I was really born straight and something triggered my being gay, I just knew they would understand me and what makes me tick. I mean really who better to understand a gay person and how we think than a straight person. I feel bad about Dave being so upset at the moment but he will thank me once he is better and has his own family. I will keep writing about my progress so that I can keep you posted on how the treatments are working. I just felt that I wanted to share this new life experience with you all. It will be a new fresh start for me in this new month of April 01, 2008 and I hope you all support me in this.
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