Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Long Way

Going through some things this weekend, I found something that I wrote a few years ago. I guess you could call it a poem, although I don't really want to call it that as there are people with real talent posting in the blog world and I would be a little embarrassed if they read it. I want to put it up though to show myself how far I have come lately. The reason I wrote this came back to me as I was reading it, I had been with a group of coworkers and some of the people were making fun of gays and lesbians. I remember the words "gross" and "disgusting" were used and they stung. I remember feeling isolated because I realized if they knew then these people would not want to be my friends. I felt trapped and definitely an outcast. These same people often asked me to come for dinners, BBQs and church events. I started to decline because I understood that the invitations had conditions on them, being only for people who fit the norm. That evening I wrote out this little piece to express how I was hurting inside. I called it "If You Knew" OK not ground breaking but I try.

If You Knew.

You hate people like that, it's what you always say.
Would you hate me too, if you knew I was ...

If you knew I was, if you found out today.
How would things be tomorrow, if you knew I was...

Am I welcome to your home, would you still call me friend.
Would you see me as a person or does this relationship end.
It's important that you know me, I need to see where you stand.
I want you to really know me, to find out who I am.

You invite me for supper, even to your church where you pray.
Would you still want me, would you want me, if you knew I am gay.

At that time I thought I would never come out, I thought that because of the way people might react, I wouldn't be able to come out. I just imagined everyone would reject me and I had visions of being surrounded by people at work and being alone at the same time. I started to notice however during these lame conversations there were some people who did not laugh. They did not find the comments funny and began to challenge the ignorant comments quite strongly. Allies, I thought I should get to know these people better, and I soon found out that people with a more open mind also tend to be more enjoyable to be around. Most of them are still my close friends today and some I have mentioned in the past on this blog.

Now I have to shake my head at that poor guy, so obsessed with his closet. I still am closeted to a large degree, but now if someone were to find me out I would not panic, more like think that is one less person I have to go through the awkwardness of telling. I feel sorry for the guy that wrote that piece, if only I could go back in time and tell him he will start to come out and even like it, he will be closer to the real friends he decided to keep and honestly never think of the shallow so called friends he decided to shrug off. If I could go back I would also tell myself, that one day when I read "If You Knew" it will no longer hold any emotions for me and I will no longer relate to it anymore. There will be people behind me and that I will have come a long way, from being alone.


Jess said...

It's not an easy transition from closeted to out. The main thing is that you do what makes your life better. You don't necessarily have to throw open the doors and shout it to the world, but I'm glad you're past the sadness of silently tolerating the outright bigots.

Steven said...

I would definitely call that a poem and it is a poem with a lot of feeling and emotion. To read it today and compare that with how far you've come has got to be a good feeling. :-)

Darth Gateau said...

If you went back and told the person you were what he would become, he may not have become the person you are today. What's happened to you, the things you heard, felt and experienced, however painful, have all combined to build the 'you' that we read about right now. We all wish that we'd done things differently at times but it's what you learn from it and how you use these experiences in the future. You seem to be doing well. Keep up the good work - you now have about a billion of us on your side and we'll come over and terrify anyone who gets in the way of further progress!!

Bill said...

You certainly have come a long way in a short amount of time. Give yourself a pat on the back. Onward and upward.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Uh oh! I was spam-ed! In case you guys wonder why I removed one of the comments, it was spam. Other than that I would not remove a comment.

BTW thanks for your comments Jess, Steven, Darth, Bill!