Faith, I saw her at the bus stop the other day, happy as always to see me. Hand shooting up quickly to do that small little wave she always does whenever she sees me, that warm smile of hers brings a person in like a hug. So pretty, an island beauty, I can picture you from where you came, on a beach with a flower in your long black hair, sundress blowing in an ocean breeze. Her soft voice makes everything she says seem like a poem when she speaks and I feel comfortable around her. What would it be like if I were married to you, I often think of that. I am sure as well you must have wondered why, living so close to you, I never asked you out. There were even, I think some hints dropped but you being so decent would never push it. What would it be like to have you as my wife, my parents as hard as they can be about judging a person's character, would absolutely love you. You would fit into my family well, we could go to church together and the people would want to meet the woman that finally had shy Steve's heart. They would give me the knowing smiles and even some winks from the older men. So glad he is finally settled they would say and so happy that he met such a really nice girl. What would our children be like, you similar in culture and looks to one of my friends and me similar to her husband, would we have the same cute kids. My parents now given the new proud title of Grandma and Grandpa, holidays would be breathed back to life with little bodies running around, giggling, laughing. How exciting for us, first step, first words, first day at school and I would have completed my journey to becoming a man. We could talk about who they would become and watch over the years as they turned into adults and we got to know the people our kids grew into. So proud to have you by my side, to go through life and say to my friends and coworkers, this is my wife and when they would meet you they would see the beautiful person you are inside as well as out.
I can't marry you however Faith, because I don't love you, not the way you deserve. You see Faith I'm gay and you could never be more than a really good friend to me. I know I'm gay and it could not work because in all the times I imagined us together, I never think what it would be like to kiss you, hold you, touch you. I don't have thoughts about us being alone together, I never wonder if it would be warm to have you lying next to me, I don't notice if you wear perfume. In my daydreams you are the perfect accessory to my "normal" life, however not my partner in life. I have no desire to be with you intimately. As far as our wedding, to me I see how happy our friends and family would be, it could be a story book day, however I never think about the wedding night, it would be awkward, I would feel the need to trick you, maybe it would be one step better than masturbation and at worse have the same appeal as when we had to get the blood tests and to me your worth much more than that. I had to let that life go Faith, it belonged to someone else. The wedding, children, those are yours to keep but for me, I have to take another path. I heard you are dating a nice guy, I hope he understands what an island flower he has. I hope he makes your dreams come true and I also hope I find a guy who will do that for me as well.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
Are you talking about an actual person named Faith?
Yes I am talking about a real live person, Faith is not a metaphor for something. She is actually a really pretty and sweet woman who I think if I was straight would have been one of the many I could see myself with.
Thanks for the comments John, you also seem like a really sweet guy.
I love looking at people and playing out the storybook in my mind. I didn't know if others did that or not... but of course you do and you write so elaquently I swear I was sitting in your head the whole time watching it unfold.
Steven, that was so beautifully thought and written ... and a great look into your like and head and heart. Thanks for writing this.
And yes, you can and hopefully will have that same life with a man. It would have to be a helluva man to get you, though.
(That was supposed to be "life", not "like" ... )
Amazingly well-written post. I think we all know the feeling.
steven that is really beautiful, and how much that means to me....there is that one guy out there that will be damn lucky to have you and you will have that life, perhaps even children....and then your folks can have the grand children, and life will be breathed back into the holiday..........so beautiful
I say "Ditto" to everything that has been said and to keep the faith (no pun intended) and that you will find your "Mr. Faith" soon. No regrets about where you are now. Chin up!
There's nothing that says such a wonderful woman can't be your friend. This is my first visit to your blog, so I may be missing some background. If so, I'm sorry for that. Still, she sounds like a special person. Just because you don't want to marry her or have sex with her doesn't mean you can't spend time with her as a friend.
I found that coming out allowed me to have some very good, honest friendships with women. If anything, they never had to worry about my intentions. (Also, we get to ogle cute guys together and compare notes!) ;)
As an only child, I had to grapple with guilt about my folks not ever being Grandma and Grandpa. They would have been perfect grandparents. Then I figured "Heck, they're the ones that put all their eggs in one basket."
The most beautiful part of your story is your realization that pursuing such a pleasant dream would actually be a nightmare for you and Faith. It takes courage not to bend to the will of society and family expectations.
You can also put a different spin on the wedding day, just for fun. The church has a methane leak. The preacher forgets your names. The cake gets knocked over. Your trouser cuffs are way too short. The honeymoon resort loses your reservations.
Hang in there, buddy!
What a beautiful post...I actually used to have a friend like that but I had to distance myself from her for reasons we all understand too well.
Post a Comment