Super Size Me, Not!

If only everyone else found me as funny as I find myself funny, the world would be a happier place. I found myself in the local drug store picking up a prescription and while I was waiting decided to look around and get a few odds and ends. I saw something that started to make me laugh. There was a sale on for Magnum condoms XL, a really good sale at that, the thought came into my head that I should buy a couple of boxes just for the fun of standing in line holding some boxes of extra large size condoms, maybe even say out loud to someone "these are the really big ones right"? Add to that, maybe pick up some of the more bizarre types of lube or the biggest bottle on the shelf. What I would do with them when I got home I am not sure, I guess I would have really large size water balloons. ............................................. I was feeling sorry for the women in the area because obviously if they are having a sale on these, it's because they are not selling, which of course means the men in the area have no use for extra large condoms, so..... Turns out I read later on, that these are actually a good seller. It seems that many men had my idea and buy them as a form of bragging, also it seems that it's a marketing ploy, apparently the XL condom is not that much bigger than the usual kind and many men prefer to use Magnums instead. Anyway the only pleasure I got out of them was a snicker or two.

I Know It's Sappy But...

One of my worries in life was that I would never know what being in love felt like, real love, not just an infatuation. I remember the first guy I went out with, he was cute enough, brilliant, successful, and we had a lot of the same interests,(wait why did I let him get away) but there seemed to be something missing. I remember asking people how did someone know if they are in love. I think if you are asking that question, you already know what the answer is but are to afraid to admit it. ............................................ When I met my last boyfriend, I didn't have to ask that question, it was completely different, even though it eventually didn't work out, I really loved him, would never want to erase that part of my life and I still have feelings for him in some way. I would like to get back to that type of relationship, that's a life experience everyone should have, being in love with someone. ............................................ I would like my own version of something that happened to a couple of friends of mine, come true for me, and I have even dreamt a version or two of the following. ............................................ I am on a date with someone I love, we have been seeing each other for some time. He seems distracted over dinner but says everything is fine. After dinner we go for a walk, somewhere relaxing, in a park, maybe along a quiet river. We talk about mundane things, suddenly I realize he is not beside me and I turn to see what is wrong. He is tying his shoe or suffering a leg cramp and as I walk back to see what is wrong, he looks up at me and holds out a little box with a ring in it, he is on one knee. There is a rushing sound in my ears as the realization of what is happening sinks in. ................................................. I know, I know, that is just so sappy but I would love it if that happened to me. Trust me, I can hear the groans but I love a bit of romance. That has happened to some of my straight friends, I even remember laughing over one woman thought her boyfriend at the time was trying to work out a leg cramp because he was bending down, then finally understood what he was doing. I am not into drama but a little in a positive way would be nice.

Tolerating intolerance?

It's interesting to me to see how younger gay people live life. In Canada, many of the twenty somethings have been raised in an atmosphere of acceptance. They truly feel a part of society and see no distinction between themselves and heterosexual people, I am envious of this view point. They do not accept discrimination and are genuinely surprised whenever it presents itself, even better is their response to it, an immediate push back. ............................................. Being from an older generation, my world view is different and sometimes I feel of two minds about issues. Take for instance an indecent that happened last week. A young gay couple were making wedding plans, which on a side note still amazes me to write, "gay wedding plans". Anyhow back on track, this young couple were making wedding plans and the photographer upon finding out it was for two men, sent them an email stating that they would not take the job due to their religious beliefs. ............................................. I at first felt it was the photographer's right to turn down the job. The email was polite, I felt at least they were being honest and I know religion is something that people hold close to the very core of their being. I feel it's a little scary to start interfering with someone's religious beliefs. I also think this type of person is probably not that flexible and it would only make things worse by making them feel something was being forced on them. ............................................ Then there is the other side, I feel that holding this view, I am betraying the gay family, wimping out so to speak, not standing up for myself. I'm agreeing with trying to appease someone who doesn't deserve it. I am tolerating their intolerance towards people like me. A person could see how wrong this is when the word "gay" is taken out and another group is used in its place. "We're sorry but due to our beliefs we don't serve Asians, Jewish people, women etc". Sounds clear enough when changed around this way, although many religions do have rules about the role of women and we don't start enforcing secular laws on them. I heard an interesting interview with a lawyer who handles these types of cases in Canada. He said people have the right to hold an opinion or belief about certain groups but if they have a company that serves the public, they can't use those belief to discriminate against that particular group. I find it interesting that everyone becomes so religious when dealing with the Lgbt community. ............................................. If only these people could see the positive side to gay marriage, it's not an assault on marriage, it's an affirmation of marriage. Gay people (like me) see what their parents and grandparents had and they want that for themselves as well. The only difference is we have to have it in our own version of a relationship, a same-sex couple because that's who we are, we are not damaged straight people waiting to be fixed, we are gay people. It's a shame that these people can't see we actually want the same thing. Leaves me wondering what is the right thing to do, hope they come around? The problem with that is history shows the people who stay quiet and try to gently make changes usually get no where, it usually takes the loud, flashy, in your face moments to make real changes.

Clouds are Breaking.

For a while now I have found myself surrounded by sadness, there comes a point where it takes over. I guess I have reached a point in my life where most things seem to be an ending of some sort. People and places important to me no longer exist and it's all because of time passing. Luckily I have a good neighbour, she looks out for me, she constantly says "remember this too shall pass" whenever a disaster appears to be heading towards me. I didn't want to be one of those bloggers who's posts give you that constant feeling of a rain cloud showering over your head as you read it, so I stayed quiet. No point in complaining, its just life, there is nothing I can do about most things that are weighing on me. One day there comes a time when you have to accept the fact that when a door closes, it stays closed, there is no window, there isn't always a happy ending. ....................................... The fog is lifting for me, the clouds are breaking, I am tired of feeling sad, the days are getting longer, spring is coming. I was telling my neighbour I need to make changes now, this house no longer feels like home, more like a museum to Mom and Dad. Every drawer, cupboard, box or door I open sends me back to some memory of years ago but now it feels more like opening a wound because after the rush of happiness, comes the reality that I am alone now. This I think most people would agree is probably not that healthy. I am bracing myself to begin to say goodbye to everything that was a part of my life journey, but I'm ready now... almost... sort of.... I think.

Mystery Box?

It was a dark and stormy night, (always wanted to write that) and the wind was howling outside, I was worried about the roof as it needs some repairs, it began raining heavily and I thought to myself that I had better check in the morning for leaks. The next day I had a bit of time to check in the attic before I had to leave for appointments. I have never been in the attic in my life, no one ever went up there except for my dad. One of the reasons being it doesn't have a true floor, one wrong step and you could bring down part of the ceiling. I get my ladder, flashlight, dust mask and crucifix (in case of vampires, ghosts or any of the general walking dead gang). Up I go and everything looked fine, uneventful, no leaks and not even a little bat to fulfil the stereotype of the creepy attic. The insulation covers most of the floor so I decided not to attempt walking around. I was pressed for time and slightly noticed a cardboard box off to the side. I had to go and closed the trap door and left for the day. ....................................... Later that night as I was falling asleep, a little voice in the back of my mind said "there's a box up there, sitting quietly out of reach, what could be inside". Since my family has been here for over a hundred years, anything from the past is more meaningful because it connects me to my ancestry. Sometimes my mother would throw away old books, tools etc, especially in the house. Naturally she wanted to leave her mark and maybe didn't always see the sentimental value of certain things. .................................... I grew more curious and tried to figure out a plan to retrieve that box. The next day I had the brilliant idea of using a long handle with a hook on the end. Back up I go, first checking that no blood thirsty fanged hairy creature was hiding behind the trap door, (because after all these years of waiting it would be really really hungry). I reach over excited because this is one place mom never got to, could it be old papers with writing from my grandparents, old deeds or maybe even old photos! I hook the box and..... and....... nothing. The Box is empty, there is nothing inside, all these years it has been sitting up there empty. This could be a post like a Seinfeld episode, a post about nothing but the truth is at some point there was something in that box, maybe it was just building materials when the house was being built, maybe there were important papers in it at one time and they were moved to a better location, I will never know. I decided to leave the box there because I feel it's still serving it's purpose, it is still keeping it's mystery.

Wagon Wheels and Gay Blogs

I was watching a program last week and it was about life in the early days, how everything was done by actual horse power, water power and lots of elbow grease. They were demonstrating the skills required to build a wagon wheel, one that would last and not act like the one floppy, squeaky wheel I manage to always get on my shopping cart. I was thinking about the way a master builder would feel when he realized that cars were taking over and wagons would soon be a thing of the past. I guess that's what happened to the gay blogs, ten years ago I think was the heyday for gay blogs. I guess times have changed enough in a positive way that the gay blog is no longer required. I should be happy about that but I do miss the community that was created by the need. It's so different now for people coming out, not that big of a deal anymore. I see the last group that is still active is the men who fall into the bisexual category. I have a lot of empathy for them, caught in between two worlds, many are struggling to figure out where they fit in. I see them looking for support the way I did years ago. I can't really offer them any advice, it's not my experience and seriously what do I know, I'm just a wagon wheel.

Milestones from Stepping Stones

The other day I was listening to the radio and one of the reporters was talking about an interview he did with gay comedian and actor Scott Thompson, it was regarding a show he was doing in Ottawa for pride week. Scott was saying how he now just does a routine and doesn't do his past gay characters. He said it's because in the past people were willing to accept the gay characters for a laugh but were not comfortable accepting a real gay person. He said now however people don't care about gay or straight and he no longer needs the safety net of a gay character to hide behind. He can just be himself, a gay comedian. The younger people don't see that shift, but it catches me every now and again, I like to pause and think about how far we have come. Sometimes I have to take a second, I think back to when I was a teenager and would just dream of a world where gay people could just be themselves one day. I'm seeing that happening now, it's hard not to wish I was younger to be part of this but maybe I wouldn't appreciate it as much. So here's to another shift in society, where we can just be we, because most people want it that way, awesome!