Monday, April 27, 2020
Seven Billion Plus One.
Another post I never finished, this was back in 2016 believe it or not. I had placed mom in a nursing home and I was heading towards my 50s. I never finished because it was a very dark time for me, I had never felt so alone before and everything in life became so pointless to me. I imagined in my head that nobody ever thought of me, I was slightly depressed I think. Someone had abandoned a little cat near my home around that time and after spending the summer half starving, she came to the farm for shelter. I felt we were both forgotten and decided I would rescue her. She became my Dusty, the coolest little cat I ever owned. I felt that it was too difficult to finish the post the way I wanted. Anyway here we go. Remember this is four years ago before I met Mr X.
One of the serious reasons I would like a boyfriend, is because I need to feel that at least one person out of the seven billion people on this earth... loves me. When mom forgot who I was and with dad gone, I realized that even with our vast population on earth, out of the billions of people, no one actually... loves me any more and that is a crushing feeling. It's a hard fact to accept, sure there are people who care about me and some that like me but that's not the same as being loved by someone, a partner that feels lost without you when you are not around or a parent or grandparent that adores you. It's that horrible feeling, like when you are standing in a crowd but feel alone.
Little unwanted cat, no one cares about you, even worse off than me as you were abandoned by the road, to live or die, it didn't make any difference to your owner.. Maybe when a person is hurting inside and is keeping silent about it, maybe the universe somehow takes note and tries to send help, even in the smallest way.
One evening after coming home from work, feeling numb inside I went out to look after the animals. I went to the farthest shed, hiding in there is a little lost cat, actually it's not lost but something worse, not wanted and dumped like garbage onto the road.
I went to the house and got her some cat food and a little dish. I had been placing food out wherever I saw her last. She watched me put the food down and understood what I was doing. I went and sat down. She hesitated for a long time and then finally came to the food. While eating she looked at me with the saddest expression, almost an expression of exhausted resign, as if to say, "please don't let this be a trick, please don't hurt me". I made her a promise that day, I whispered to her, "I will take care of you".