Thursday, March 5, 2020

Then one day.


 It's odd, writing this post is making me feel anxious. There's nothing wrong, nothing to worry about, it's just some thoughts in my head. I'm thinking back to the day of my neighbour's funeral. Life works in odd ways, sometimes I can't help feel the universe is trying to say something to me.

 As the family was entering the church, myself and a friend of mine, were standing at the doors, it's a way of respectfully greeting the family and keeping a breeze from embarrassingly closing the doors on the mourners. Being a large family they had to stop and stand there for a couple of minutes as the priest said first prayers over the coffin.

 Right in front of me where the gay couple I mentioned in an earlier post, you couldn't plan it any better if you were trying to get to me. Standing there I was staring at exactly the relationship I want in life, what I need in life and I felt so alone in those few seconds. I don't need a Hollywood love story, I just need a partner in life, snuggled up on the couch together watching a movie is all the romance I need. I'm looking for togetherness and not a dating adventure. I watched as people spoke softly to the couple, there was no difference in their treatment, good people don't care anymore who you are with, good people are just happy for you.

 That night and the next day was what really pulled me down.  I'm a realist, as I get older, I become less hopeful of meeting someone. I suddenly felt this wall of despair like never before, that I will never feel love again, that I will never find a decent guy again. That I will just keep going through a file cabinet of flakes until I find someone that is the least flakey and maybe learn to live with it.

 Having that outlook begins to wear you down, you don't notice it at first but one day you realize that you care less about things and that you gave up on yourself at some point. Life begins to look bleak future wise because every day looks like it will be the same old, same old, you hide it from everyone but you begin to feel dead inside.

 Until one day... then one day that all changes, the clouds begin to break, the sun begins to shine, you have no clue what is happening at first, you're a bit shocked and in disbelief to be honest. You start to recognize what's happening, you try to pinch yourself awake but it's not a dream. You find yourself on one of life's roller coasters and you are about to excitedly plunge into the unknown, suddenly a simple smile can nearly take the legs right out from under you and you begin to care about the small things in life once more but most importantly you feel alive again... you feel alive again.

34 comments:

Deedles said...

Keep your chin up, sweetie.

Jimmy said...

Your population and chances would increase by over 50% if you came out at work.

Just sayin'.

RJ said...

I'm waiting for that day to come for me.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you always, Steven! You NEVER know what life holds!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, pssst, pssst, I have a wittle secret, you need to read the last paragraph over again. ;)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, how do you know that I'm not already out at work... and that doesn't make sense. Straight men don't communicate with gay men. That's a fact Jack!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard... jet plane right over top lol!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, I love your positive vibe always! Pssst! Psssst! Debra, I have a teeny weeny secret I've been hiding, you have to read the last paragraph over again! :D

JanF said...

Good news is about to burst forth!! So happy for you.

BlogMarkBlog said...

Is love in the air? Hope so! Enjoy the ride!

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Ok, so have you found somebody you like?
I need to know! You are my chic gay lumberjack pretend bf and I need to know if I’m gonna share your with someone other than Maddie!
And Jimmy IS right. You don’t want to date those boring straight men. You want to date their gay friends! Straight people with gay friends are super into playing match makers! also, coming out is therapeutic.
There, that was my Ted talk.

XoXo

Jimmy said...


Thank you, Sixpence.

Deedles said...

Sorry, Steven. I've been very ill this past week so my mind is a little fuzzy. You have to hit me with a brick instead of a feather. I still don't know what I'm reading, having lost a few brain cells (not to mention pee) while coughing. You sound happy, but I'm not quite putting two and two together.

anne marie in philly said...

well spill the deets, man! are you and maddie getting married?

John Going Gently said...

I was nursing a man who had a male partner
And it made me sad watching a coupleso loyal
Xx

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Is, is that a glow I see up north? Three quarters of the post is dreary the the sun literally breaks through! 🎉

Dave R said...

Feeling alive is great! I can't ever remember feeling despair... I do get pissy as hell though, and this seems to happen most in the winter.... and... wait... are you a lumberjack?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Mark, stay tuned! ;)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, oh dear.. you and Jimmy just don't know straight guys, they won't even fix their straight friends up, what on earth would make you think they would fix a gay man up.
I will come clean however gay men do love a little drama!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, oh you two flower blossoms just don't know straight men. Maybe advice about the best kind of tires or hardware floor... but gay match making.. hahaha! Too funny!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, don't apologize, just get better for me! :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, oops... Maddie, I forgot about Maddie, she will have to turn to one of her many many many many boyfriends for comfort.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, yes you would understand now unfortunately.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

HuntleyBiGuy, you are a very clever man!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, definitely not a lumberjack hahaha, I hate using a chainsaw, I'm always paranoid about kickback, especially living alone.

Jimmy said...

I'll not argue with you in your rare time of joy. That is, until after you knit pick his flaws and kick him to the curb. :)

Deedles said...

Oh Jimmy, the Lurkster would be so very proud!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, you can't argue against my reality, I know the guys I work with lol. Anyway yes we can pick this up later lol.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, I sometimes wonder if they are not the same person... maybe separated at birth????
Hahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JanF, I'm so sorry, my comment to you somehow did not go through yesterday and I didn't catch that until this morning. Thank you and yes.. some good news. : )

Jimmy said...

Deedles, I do miss Lurkie even if he wasn't a fan. :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Great, now I see who is going to team up with Deedles to conspire against me!
Hahaha!:D

Ur-spo said...

Having arrived late to this, I get to see and smile at all the love and concern you get.
You are loved.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dr Spo, yes well what's not to love? Hahaha! Just joking, maybe they feel sorry for me!