Friday, January 10, 2020
That other Steven.
I was texting with one of my straight buddies and we were talking about us growing up etc, etc and about the people we have become. The odd thing is that our personalities are not really different as adults, it's just that we have more life experience that shapes how we react to certain situations.
I said to my friend, that I often wonder what I would be like if I were straight. The reason I say that is because I was very much a believer in the establishment. I never questioned authority and did what I was told. People who protested, let their looks run wild or listened to crazy music were bad people. Anyone outside of the norm was a bad person in my eyes.
When I finally admitted to myself that there was something VERY different about me, I began to question everything I was trained to believe. When my friend asked me to elaborate, I said being gay gave me an open mind towards other marginalised groups, I was interested to learn if I was missing something about them, I began to try and see issues from their point of view. Luckily I began to see many were not "bad" they were just misunderstood.
If I was straight, I wouldn't have to think about these things. I wouldn't be able to relate to the non heterosexual white christian male, I wouldn't wonder about them or how they fit in. I probably wouldn't care that they didn't fit in, I would think that they just needed to try harder. I know that I probably would still be a nice guy, sadly however I think I would only be nice to certain groups. I would like to think that I would be a social justice warrior but the truth is I don't like confrontation and I was a people pleaser, I probably would go along to get along.
The other thing that I fear is I would have been a complete monster towards my sister. We were like fire and gasoline growing up, I was also very envious of her, she did everything right, I did everything wrong. I imagine myself starting a little family like I was expected to, I imagine out of hatred and immaturity in my early days, driving a wedge between my parents and sister so that I could monopolize their attention. Grandma and grandpa would be happy with the grandchildren and daughter in law; however out of embarrassment, not speak of their lesbian daughter. The thought makes me sick.
I have read in the last couple of weeks, ( including Bob's blog this morning) the statement that being gay is partly what shapes us as a person. At one time I wouldn't want to admit that but now I know that to be true. Maybe I'm a better person because I'm gay, maybe I'm being too hard on my hypothetical straight self, I will never know. My friend made an interesting point, he's straight and reached the same conclusions without being gay, he asked if that makes him a better person than if he was gay.