Friday, July 27, 2018

When I became, "that guy".

 Nature can be beautiful even at its most frightening. Take for instance lightening, at night when a storm is passing in the distance, watching can be almost breath taking. Lighting up the distant sky, seeing the flashing streaks connecting earth and clouds. Beautiful from afar, not so much when it's overhead.

 Tonight I noticed the sky lighting up, we had storms earlier but everything had cleared up, the stars were out when I sat down to watch tv. I decided to watch the evening show out my window instead. I thought it was heat lightening at first but soon realized it was another approaching storm. Even though this was a storm, it reminded me of the first time I saw heat lightening.

 I was very young, around five years old and I had spent the day at a local church fair, in those days, the church picnics were more like small country fairs. It was getting late and my dad noticed one of our older neighbours had been drinking all afternoon, worried he decided to drive the man home. Since my mom was still volunteering at the picnic we had to go with my father. My dad went into the house with the man to talk and hopefully get some coffee into him. While waiting on my dad in the car, my sister and I were fascinated with a pinkish flash of light across a clear, star filled night sky. Unfortunately after a few cups of coffee the man pulled out a huge bottle of alcohol and started drinking directly from it. My father gave up and came back to the car. We pointed out the lights and he called it heat lightening.

 The man was a typical bachelor in our area, a good neighbour, kind, hard working. Probably too shy to meet people, these men often never ventured away from the farm or family business to even have the opportunity to meet someone. Later after their parents passed away, they were alone and lonely, there was not  much else to do in those days so many picked up the bottle. Some of those guys got married late in life, at that time being in your fifties was almost considered a senior citizen. They often said if they could only go back in time, they would have married much sooner. I always felt sorry for those guys, to be alone all the time, no family at Christmas, sitting in your house alone every evening. Later on as well when I learned about sex, I couldn't see someone not being in a relationship, being loved and enjoying the fun of sex. I often felt they wasted a huge part of their life. I think that is why many tried to wipe those thoughts away with alcohol.

 Now it's hard to accept but time quickly flew by and before I knew it, I became "that guy". I don't drink but I am addicted to other things to keep my mind from thinking about where I am in life. I feel I wasted my time here on earth, that my goal was to take part in life with other people and I didn't. I am that lonely guy, the one I felt pity for even at the young age of five, the one I vowed not to become. Even if I meet some great guy now, I am the guy saying I should have done it years ago, because they finally see life is better when shared with someone.

 It's strange to think of that little boy gazing out the car window, one moment staring at the night sky, another moment watching a man through a kitchen window, drinking straight from a bottle. I learned about heat lightening that night, I just wish I understood the other lesson better.


Christina said...

If a young guy sat across from you at your kitchen table and told you this story as if it was his, what would you do?
It's my guess you'd listen, offer support and comfort.

Most people have regrets, Steven. Either doing something, not doing something. Wasting chances, time, resources. Being mean, gullible,inpatient. The list goes on. In my opinion there's nothing to be gained from looking backwards. Always look forwards if you can, make it a conscious effort.

Be your own best friend, don't beat yourself up.

You've got the rest of your life to be the complete opposite of "That guy"

Life doesn't always turn out how we think it should but it's a process, not a product and it is constantly changing and evolving.
None of us knows what's around the corner and thank goodness for that.

Tomorrow is a brand new day, all shiny and clean. Go get 'em!

Anonymous said...

You're that guy I'd like to sit next to during a thunderstorm, and enjoy nature with. You're that guy who is too good for so many others out there. That guy who when he finds the right one will make a home instead of a house. You're that guy who is the good friend everyone wishes for, and that guy who's fun to be around with. You're that guy who thinks, is sensitive, and notices the important things. You're that guy who is funny, quirky, and handsome. You're that guy I'd be happy to know.

Deedles said...

I can't say it any better than Christina and Walter, and I have this incredible urge to hug them both!
Here's my pithy (I said PITHY!) little tidbit. Don't dwell on what ifs, look forward to what's next. Learn from the past, live in the present and look ahead to the future. Look both ways before crossing the street. Too many?

I'm sending you a new shipment of Granny hugs. No need to use them sparingly.

rjjs8878 said...

I have to agree with the other commenters. You can't change the past but you can direct the future.

JohnMichael said...

Life is never wasted. Loneliness sucks. But you do have friends and you do have a sister.

Like you, I came out late. And I fell into a relationship late too. I think to myself, I could have done things differently. But I also think there were those reasons that I didn't (I know sooo cliche).

Time slips away, but time also gives back. It really does. When you find where you are suppose to be, I do believe that time gives back.

Mistress Maddie said...

A great post and I love your way with words here. Life for me is not better shared with someone. Odd right. After two long term relationships, I oddly find I function better and soar more when single. Since then I like the balance I finally have with my life. I think my view stems from being so social and being around people so often, I like my own time alone at home and a do treasure my alone time, and could at times easily become reclusive. That why things with the Lad and Warbucks work at well. Since they don't live nearby, It gives me just enough time to date them and have nookie, but keep my life to me. It's a bit selfish, but I.m so scary independent.

On a side note...the Lad enjoys baths.

Deedles said...

Maddie, considering that I'm an anti-social reclusive who enjoys being alone, this made me sad. Weird huh? I guess the key word here is independent. I've never been independent, but it suits me. I'm giving you warm hugs just cuz.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Christina.... holy moly you are a sweet person! :) That was a great comment, you are correct, I try not to look back but sometimes I can't help it. It's true though, I bet many people have regrets and we never know how life will turn out.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Walter, that's kind what you are saying, I just wish other gay men here could see that as well lol.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, I'm opening the package up now, ahh here's one that fits just perfectly.... nice comfy Granny hug... ahhhhhh, there all better! Look both ways made me snicker, your mission was accomplished.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

RJ, you are right, I was having a moment of negative reflection.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John Michael, I suppose if my last relationship had lasted, I wouldn't be feeling this way. Sometimes I look around and see many of my friends who are single again and I realize, they are in the same spot as I am now.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, I can see that working for you, I think everyone is different and your lifestyle is the best fit for you. I also notice you have a large network of friends and are very social, I think that is also part of my problem, I'm not social enough. I like being on my own as well but I also don't like being on my own, I think as we get older we get set in our ways and don't like to change those ways.
I promise to scrub behind his ears! :-)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, I just realized why we click so well... lol. Plus you have a wicked sense of humo(u)r that I love. ;p

Michael said...

I agree with all of the other comments. Christina said it best when she said each day is a new day. I understand how you feel because sometimes I feel the exact same way. The coulda, shoulda, woulda feelings. I spent too many years in a painful marriage, but I did get two children that I don't know how I would live without.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, I know it's a bad road to go down but sometimes I find myself looking back. I used to think that I would "win in life" if I died alone but had tricked everyone into believing that I was straight, it looks like a really pathetic goal in life now.