Sometimes I can't believe the way time has slipped by. In 2009, I was trying to take care of this farm and my dad as well. We had brought him home from the hospital, he was terminally ill with cancer and we felt we could look after him better here; however he was nearing the end and his care had become overwhelming. I had sold the cattle but the new owner needed to wait for a couple of weeks before he could bring them to his farm, I wasn't thinking clearly and shouldn't have made that deal because I felt more stress with the cattle being owned by someone else, than if they were still mine. If something went wrong, he could back out of the deal.
Nine years ago, the trucks came and we loaded the cattle, in the back of my mind it was a sad moment, for the first time in the history of this farm, there would be no cattle here, our herd descended from my Great grandfather's herd had come to an end. I didn't have time to be sad, the only thing I felt was tired.
My sister came up that evening, I had to have my car repaired in the city, so I decided I would go down that night and stay in town since my appointment was early. I went in to say goodbye to dad but he was sleeping peacefully, something he didn't get to do very much by then. I stared at him for a moment, I decided not to wake him, also saying goodbye would nearly bring me to tears because it took on a different meaning in those final days. I watched him for a few seconds more and then left. That was the last time I would see my father alive, he would die the next day before I got back home.
I find it starting to affect me again, I think because next year will be the ten years mark. It makes me feel a little sad, I think also combined with the shock of it being nine years already, to me it feels like only three or four years at the most. I guess that's an age thing, along with forgetting my glasses. Is this a sad day or just an anniversary of a sad day, the healthy choice would be to think of it as just a marker in my life. Maybe life is sending me a message, this morning when I came down for breakfast, a deer was feeding a baby fawn in the yard, little white spots, wobbly stick legs and all and now happily, that will be a memory also tied to this day going forward as well.