Monday, April 16, 2018
Where's "There", I Want to be There.
Where is "there", I don't want to be "here", I want to be "there". I sometimes get a feeling of being in the wrong place, I'm on straight earth and I need to get back to gay earth. It happened this week and the trigger was watching Love Simon, I enjoyed the movie and was almost on a high coming out of the theater. However that night I was really down, the film brought back a lot of memories about growing up, a little gay kid with the hatred of the world on his shoulders. It also made me think about lost time, lost relationships, things in life we don't get to do over. I wanted to crawl into the movie, just live there, happy with all the gay positive people and be young again, only this time I would live my life right.
I have also been enjoying getting to know some of you lately, allowing me to stay in gay land, we can talk about relationships, about men, about gay men. I hang on every word, I feel excited to see an email because I don't have to return to that "other" world, the straight world or real world as I am beginning to feel.
I was getting ready for bed and turned the channel only to discover the movie "Breakfast with Scot" (one T), a cute movie about a gay couple who suddenly find themselves looking after a kid. I can remain in my gay world for a little while longer and get lost in the film. The movie has a good twist, the couple are not stereotypical gay men, one is a former professional hockey player, he is embarrassed by anyone finding out. The boy however is a very fabulous queen in the making and it's so awkward as the gay dad tries to teach the boy to hide who he is and try to act straight.
The movie reminded me of my own obsessive, self hating homophobia that I went through and the little white lies that I was constantly telling to cover my tracks. I didn't realise how much the movie affected me until that night. I had this crazy dream that I went to see a female escort, in the dream I was much younger, I was going to have sex with her to show that I was straight. She put her toes up to my mouth to kiss and I stopped her and confessed to being gay. I was disgusted by the thought of touching a woman and couldn't go through with it. I tried to pay her for her time but she said no, that she understood. Very bizarre, I hated having those feelings again.
The next morning however; because I had been immersed in a gay movie again, I feel left behind, where did all these gay people go, they forgot me here. I want to go with them, the place where all their neighbours and friends seem to be mostly gay. I go on line to try to find somewhere to meet people but everything seems to have an agenda towards sex only, including a bunch of ads showing nude women, men wanting to talk about women with other men. I turn off the phone in frustration, straight guys are taking over our gay sites as well now?
There must be a gay place, I want to go there, I want to be with my people, I don't want to be here.... alone.