Monday, April 16, 2018
Where's "There", I Want to be There.
Where is "there", I don't want to be "here", I want to be "there". I sometimes get a feeling of being in the wrong place, I'm on straight earth and I need to get back to gay earth. It happened this week and the trigger was watching Love Simon, I enjoyed the movie and was almost on a high coming out of the theater. However that night I was really down, the film brought back a lot of memories about growing up, a little gay kid with the hatred of the world on his shoulders. It also made me think about lost time, lost relationships, things in life we don't get to do over. I wanted to crawl into the movie, just live there, happy with all the gay positive people and be young again, only this time I would live my life right.
I have also been enjoying getting to know some of you lately, allowing me to stay in gay land, we can talk about relationships, about men, about gay men. I hang on every word, I feel excited to see an email because I don't have to return to that "other" world, the straight world or real world as I am beginning to feel.
I was getting ready for bed and turned the channel only to discover the movie "Breakfast with Scot" (one T), a cute movie about a gay couple who suddenly find themselves looking after a kid. I can remain in my gay world for a little while longer and get lost in the film. The movie has a good twist, the couple are not stereotypical gay men, one is a former professional hockey player, he is embarrassed by anyone finding out. The boy however is a very fabulous queen in the making and it's so awkward as the gay dad tries to teach the boy to hide who he is and try to act straight.
The movie reminded me of my own obsessive, self hating homophobia that I went through and the little white lies that I was constantly telling to cover my tracks. I didn't realise how much the movie affected me until that night. I had this crazy dream that I went to see a female escort, in the dream I was much younger, I was going to have sex with her to show that I was straight. She put her toes up to my mouth to kiss and I stopped her and confessed to being gay. I was disgusted by the thought of touching a woman and couldn't go through with it. I tried to pay her for her time but she said no, that she understood. Very bizarre, I hated having those feelings again.
The next morning however; because I had been immersed in a gay movie again, I feel left behind, where did all these gay people go, they forgot me here. I want to go with them, the place where all their neighbours and friends seem to be mostly gay. I go on line to try to find somewhere to meet people but everything seems to have an agenda towards sex only, including a bunch of ads showing nude women, men wanting to talk about women with other men. I turn off the phone in frustration, straight guys are taking over our gay sites as well now?
There must be a gay place, I want to go there, I want to be with my people, I don't want to be here.... alone.
Posted by Sooo-this-is-me at 12:51 AM
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
I know how you feel. I wish there were good answers. You are not alone, and that feeling of isolation is not exclusive to rural areas. My experience in rural NC was actually very good. Although there were fewer gay men, good friendships came easier because I valued the like minded people I encountered (not just gay men). It was the happiest, fullest period of my life.
Now I live in a gay summer Mecca and feel isolated. Bob and I met and lived many years in DC, yet we felt isolated there too.
There's an Australian man I follow in Instagram @differentkindofgay who brings up these issues, interesting discussions. If you go there, my instagram is @tvillemw
There's something to be said about "gay" places or gayborhoods where you are surrounded by gay men, can be open about your sexuality, and where you can feel "safe" about who you are. But there's an underside to it as well; it can be constraining, and limiting making you lose perspective about what the world is like. Here in South Florida we have Wilton Manors, or Wilted Manners as I call them. It's a gayborhood with bars, stores, restaurants...a southern PTown if you will. It can be a nice place to live or visit...but it can be a strange place as well. Sex parties. Open relationships. Drugs. Everyone looks the same: muscles, beef, beards, and tight shirts or tanks on tanned bodies. Guys move in cliques; it's hard to meet new people if you don't "fit" in. Everyone's on a social app, cruising, but no one makes a first move. Me? Currently, I long for one of those mini-homes, out in the woods overlooking the mountains instead.
Walter rises a good point. While I enjoy all gay gayborhoods I also like like to be a friendly mix. If your immersed completely in gay only places....the view of the real world may leave you defenseless so to speak. I always prefer a nice mixed cross section of modern thinking people of all walks of like.
Wait a minute. Are you under the impression that having sex with women requires kissing toes? This explains a few things.
My heart breaks a little at thinking how lonely you are. I remain unconvinced that you are as alone as you feel. I think many of those guys who are there "just for sex" are as hungry for companionship (even platonic companionship) as you. But we mens are socialized to relate to each other only via conquest or procreation. Even sports buddies are only sport buddies because they are in competition together.
There are ways to build up your LGBTQ community, and no they don't all involve selling the farm. Are you involved with the Pride committee in the city where you work? If not it might be worth a try.
Old Lurker: I agree completely with your assessment of companionship. In many ways I feel sorriest for the urban Grindr men. They're always posing and looking for the next encounter. Or so it seems to this inexperienced outsider. Where is the time or means to make a connection? You can't afford to let your guard down.
Recently I had a pen pal, a platonic companion, as youmight say, a younger man who died last month. He spent the past Christmas with his family in another state. While there he longed for male companionship (play some pool, throw some darts, talk sports with the guys) and found a gay sports bar (I didn't know there was such a thing.) In the span of 10 minutes he was hit on by three guys. One groped his crotch, another kissed the back of his neck, another said 'I want to suck your cock.' Merry Christmas? He left in disgust. I suggested those men were looking for companionship too but didn't know how to go about it. Then I wondered, how *would* you go about it? I honestly don't know.
I try to be grateful for what I have, and who I have in my life, and try not to concentrate on what I don’t have. I am blessed to have the life I have even though there are a few things missing, such as a partner. I always enjoyed my times in Provincetown even though I had a partner every time I visited. I’ve met men who go there on their own to be with their people. At times, it can be about sex and pick-ups but it doesn’t have be that way. It can be a wonderful week away at the beach meeting new friends. I’ve been to Ft. Lauderdale and have to agree with Walter. It seems like it’s filled with clones of gay men who fit into a certain look and demographic. I haven’t been to Palm Springs but I hear it’s the west coast version of Ft. Lauderdale.
Don’t feel left behind. Concentrate on changing your life going forward.
Mike: You say: "Hello! My name is Steven. In addition to being unbelievably handsome, I have some pet rabbits and chickens. I don't like raccoons. I am skilled with an axe! How about them Senators? Will they ever win a Stanley Cup? What is something you have learned recently?"
Old Lurker: What's a Senator? Except for axe prowess, those lines would get my attention!
Reminds me of my days in business. I'd glance through the sports pages so I could fake it at the water cooler.
I know how you feel too, and I have no real answers myself. I find myself doing the same thing you do...I watch movies with gay characters and wish I could jump into the movie and be a part of it. I wish I was younger too, starting out on this journey in a different time than when I grew up. Like RJ said above, I try and think about what is good in my life when I get down as I wish I had a partner to share my life. I watched the trailer for Breakfast with Scot. It looks like a cool movie. I watched a movie a couple of weeks ago called "Before the Fall" Here's the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFPc8SA1FUM
It takes place in my home state and you might like it.
You can be gay wherever you are....even if you have no gay friends to share your thoughts with.
Mike, I lived in the city for 20 years, I agree with you. I often tell people one of the times I felt most alone was at a gay pride parade.
Walter, that shallow attitude is everywhere. I just want a group of friends to have a coffee with that also just happens to be gay.
Maddie, well since all my friends are straight, I don't think I have that problem of only a gay influence lol, kind of the opposite. I totally agree with your point however.
Mr Lurker, no I'm under the impression that having sex with women involves kissing women, yuck...lol.
I completely understand and agree with the rest of your statement and to be honest that frightens me! No just kidding, some good thoughts here friend, I think that is what frustrates me, I agree they want something more but are too stubborn to admit it. Take for example my fwb, he was Mr casual sex no strings attached, tough guy but after three evenings with the magic of Steven, he was in tears telling me how much he loved me.
Mike, I agree with the first part of this, so true.
RJ, I try to meet people but they all seem to only want an online friendship, I already have you guys for that... but you're right.
Mr Lurker, oh no, everyone can't go around pretending they are me, that makes it complicated. The Senators crashed and burned, one of the worst seasons ever! Still however, what a sweet bunch of guys.
Mike, what's a Senator???? You are officially banned from this blog for at least an entire fifteen minutes. I also read the sports pages so that I can communicate with straight men, it's easy, just say something like, "oh that game was brutal, 8 to 3!" Then being straight they will take over and go on and on with their views and end up thinking they had a great conversation with you!
Michael 54, thanks for the suggestion, I will check it out. Maybe every city has just one guy like us lol. Anyway you have started your journey so that's good buddy.
John, I am gay wherever I am lol, I want to be part of the gay herd, anyway the feeling has past now.
Steve, I'm glad it's past for now. The benefit of talking about it, even with people you may never meet in person, is getting the negative thought out of your system. I'm going through a rough period myself. My biggest support has been my college girlfriend who is a new-age therapist. Many times (for a time daily) I'll blast her an email of my latest sorrow/desperation without expecting a reassuring response. Now, slights or bad memories that used to send me into a downward spiral of self-pity and depression lasting days just roll off my back. I don't know what I'd do without her. We have developed a shorthand. If I put the word krypton in the subject, she knows I'm sinking fast. If I put tartaruga (italian for turtle) she knows I'm retreating into my shell. Now, just typing those words gets me back on an even keel..
Another movie recommendation with a gay theme: Petunia https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petunia_(film)
I can't pass up a film critics call 'cruelly funny'
Mike, will check it out. Actually I'm not shy about saying how much the blogging world has helped me out. With the help of blog friends who were going through the exact same thing regarding coming out, I was finally able to get to the point of telling people and meeting someone.
You know, if watching uplifting gay movies makes you feel lonely and maudlin, there is an easy solution. Can't you watch something heteronormative instead? Wrestling? MMA? Maybe one of those home improvement shows where butch muscular construction dudes are holding up ladders for each other?
I wouldn't blame the fwb that much. It is pretty hard for me to imagine ANYBODY resisting the magic of three evenings of Steven.
Mr Lurker, MMA makes me so hard, isn't that the best! The last boyfriend and FWB were construction dudes, the FWB was very playful, he asked one time if I wanted him to wear his vest, toolbelt and hardhat I said Yeeees! Of course right. Lol
I'm just going to leave Urban Dictionary open on my desktop!
Mike as a gay man you can be forgiven for not knowing what MMA is but as a gay man you could lose your gay membership card for not knowing what an FWB is! Lol
Post a Comment