Sunday, November 15, 2015

Fear of Self.

What scares you? Most people I would guess have some type of fear. I think a lot of gay men maybe have fears, or are at least in touch with their feelings enough to admit it. Unlike straight guys who lie lie lie, they have fears as well no matter how much they shrug it off. There are all kinds of fears real and unreal, fear of losing your job, fear of getting cancer versus fear of bridges or fear of darkness. ....................................... Lately I struggle with fear of doing something stupid, as in meeting the wrong guy at the wrong place and time, then doing something stupid that I will regret later on. Fear of myself, fear of a bad decision. Yes, sometimes I don't think enough, just so far I have kept myself out of bad situations, I sometimes feel that is why I isolate myself from the gay community. I do not sleep around, my track record looks pretty good by most (actually almost all) gay standards but.... it has come close. I find there is that point of desire where a guy has one thing on his mind and it almost becomes tunnel vision, I don't know about any of you but I find it much stronger as I get older. I don't trust myself anymore, part of me wants to get swept up in the moment and stop over thinking everything. .................................. There seems to be a move towards no longer caring about your fellow man in the gay community, instead there is a drive for your own personal gratification. I don't like wearing condoms either but when did wearing one become some slight against the gay community's freedom, when did a person become a loser for using one and when did having HIV become cool. Even worse, when did spreading it become erotic. I hate hospitals, I don't want to be stuck going to one the rest of my life, I don't want to have to take pills all the time, that really frightens me. ...................................... Being in a gay relationship from my understanding is not a guarantee against any mistakes, I understand (or I'm told) gay relationships are more fluid (no pun intended) and guys often go wandering outside of the relationship for a moment of excitement. I confess I thought about it during my last relationship since sex ended up being about every four to six months. Just being honest so as not to pretend that I am perfect. .................................. I scare myself now sometimes, I think about hooking up, how hot it could be and I am afraid that if the opportunity were in front of me, I would take it. Later when I cool down I wonder what is wrong with me, that's not who I am, or is it me. I am not sure what I want to get out of posting this, maybe I want to show my darker side or maybe if I put this down in writing, I will see how stupid my thinking has become.

5 comments:

larrymuffin said...

I do not think it is fear, I would call it prudence or a more thoughtful approach, wiser, you know better and not willing to do something as you say, we all do at a certain age, we will come to regret. It is simply a different way to look at things.

Sooo-this-is-me said...


I think Laurent what I am afraid of is not being prudent when I need to be. I see now however a certain actor has admitted to testing positive for HIV, that will bring back the reality of the virus still being around. I wonder if they would be brave enough to write that into his show since the character is very promiscuous with no consequences.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing anyone here, I would not want people to come away feeling that.

Ur-spo said...

I want to reread this a few times more before posting a comment. I am not certain whether to post something witty or therapeutic.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Therapeutic might be what is needed, or therapeutically witty maybe.