Sunday, November 15, 2015
Fear of Self.
What scares you? Most people I would guess have some type of fear. I think a lot of gay men maybe have fears, or are at least in touch with their feelings enough to admit it. Unlike straight guys who lie lie lie, they have fears as well no matter how much they shrug it off. There are all kinds of fears real and unreal, fear of losing your job, fear of getting cancer versus fear of bridges or fear of darkness. ....................................... Lately I struggle with fear of doing something stupid, as in meeting the wrong guy at the wrong place and time, then doing something stupid that I will regret later on. Fear of myself, fear of a bad decision. Yes, sometimes I don't think enough, just so far I have kept myself out of bad situations, I sometimes feel that is why I isolate myself from the gay community. I do not sleep around, my track record looks pretty good by most (actually almost all) gay standards but.... it has come close. I find there is that point of desire where a guy has one thing on his mind and it almost becomes tunnel vision, I don't know about any of you but I find it much stronger as I get older. I don't trust myself anymore, part of me wants to get swept up in the moment and stop over thinking everything. .................................. There seems to be a move towards no longer caring about your fellow man in the gay community, instead there is a drive for your own personal gratification. I don't like wearing condoms either but when did wearing one become some slight against the gay community's freedom, when did a person become a loser for using one and when did having HIV become cool. Even worse, when did spreading it become erotic. I hate hospitals, I don't want to be stuck going to one the rest of my life, I don't want to have to take pills all the time, that really frightens me. ...................................... Being in a gay relationship from my understanding is not a guarantee against any mistakes, I understand (or I'm told) gay relationships are more fluid (no pun intended) and guys often go wandering outside of the relationship for a moment of excitement. I confess I thought about it during my last relationship since sex ended up being about every four to six months. Just being honest so as not to pretend that I am perfect. .................................. I scare myself now sometimes, I think about hooking up, how hot it could be and I am afraid that if the opportunity were in front of me, I would take it. Later when I cool down I wonder what is wrong with me, that's not who I am, or is it me. I am not sure what I want to get out of posting this, maybe I want to show my darker side or maybe if I put this down in writing, I will see how stupid my thinking has become.