Ghost of Christmas past.

I hope anyone reading this had a good Christmas. To be honest I have not enjoyed Christmas for years now. It is the memories of past years that make me more lonesome than happy. I used to have the picture perfect Christmas, with decorations, baking, grandma's house, cousins on the skating rink, the whole nine yards. Time, time was my grinch that stole my Christmas. Most of my family is gone now, making it hard for new memories to compete. This year however I had a slight spark of that Christmas spirit back. Even though it rained, even though the wind damaged the roof, even though the water pump broke and the battery to start the snow plough died, even though the winter wonderland looks like monster truck mudrun, I had a good Christmas.

You better watch out!

You better not pout you better not cry, we are being monitored. I live in the country and it often causes us to cross paths with nature. A few nights ago when I returned home from work, fresh fallen snow revealed a visitor. At first I assumed the tracks were from a stray dog, seeking treats from the house. The little pattern in the snow showed great interest to what was happening inside. Looking closer I realized it was the tracks of a small deer. My mother remarked that the tracks lead to the windows and we could see it must have watched her for some time. There was a simple explanation for this I said, it must have something to do with Santa Claus and he is watching to see if we go on the naughty or nice list. True story!

Welcome to mainstream t.v.

I am a little excited about a commercial I saw on tv today. It was for laundry detergent, not that laundry detergent excites me but the ad featured a clearly gay couple. I know some channels have had gay targeted commercials but they are usually specialty channels. I don't have cable or satellite tv, just the good old mainstream rabbit ears type channels. Today for the first time in a long time, we are represented on the tube. I can't say its the first time period, when I was in my twenties one store tried to be inclusive and ran a Christmas ad, it hinted at a gay couple buying a gift for one of the men's father. It was not overtly gay and yet there was a huge outcry from the public. Certain religious groups threatened to start a boycott of the store resulting in the ad being immediately pulled. I don't think that will happen in this day and age, I think it could even backfire on a group that would try to pull that stunt again. So welcome to mainstream media, where our relationship is treated like a straight relationship, because it is.... just like it!

Life, picture perfect.

The last two nights have been picture perfect, the blue light of a full moon shining on new fallen snow, very Christmas card like. The air so still, it almost feels like an angel is about to speak. Looking at the sky, it is just filled with stars and the cold crispness, gives them the illusion of twinkling. Certainly helps to put a person in the holiday spirit. Nature can create a beauty far beyond what we try to create, no amount of Christmas lights or tinsel can give me that same sense of awe that I felt starring at the sky. Yes, life can be harsh at times, but life is good and we should grab those "wow" moments when we get the chance. In my strange way of thinking, I almost feel it's our duty, so as to honor the people no longer here or unable to live in those moments.

Homo Bigoted

Lately I hear the word homophobic used a lot. I feel to the point of being over used or used in the wrong context. This doesn't help gay people, it may do harm. I remember the days of homophobia, I was even part of that hysteria. Guys especially were so afraid of being thought of as gay, that they would freak out if another guy tried to put a hand on their shoulder. Two guys would not even dare think of hugging. I am seeing something else working it's way into society, it needs to have a proper name. Like homo-bigotry or homo prejudice. These people are not afraid of gay people, they are not ignorant, they know the facts as we know them. Yet they hate us, they will swear they are trying to help us but you only have to hear the snearing tone in their voices to pick up the truth. They spend their time trying to silence us, trying to turn society back against us. Why, why devote your time to work against people trying to get rights that other groups enjoy. With all the agencies that need help, this is what they spend their time doing, attacking us. Tossing out the word homophobic no longer fits the description, it doesn't help. This new wave of hate needs to be called out for what it is, hatred and more specifically hatred against the gay community. I keep hearing they want us to be silent, like the good old days, sorry but we are not going back into the closest.

Obsolete

Who the heck even blogs anymore, I feel so obsolete, outdated like a box of floppy disks. I use email and feel very modern when I text. Gasp! Text, as in texting??? People keep telling me that I should be on Twitter or skyping or or or. Enough! This is my stand, I will not change anymore. I have been reading my blog posts back when I was first thinking of coming out. It is an old feeling, reading your thoughts from years ago. Almost like mentally eavesdropping on someone, but it's you. Something I've noticed is that I feel the blog is obsolete. Coming out is very different now, I don't think that many of these younger generations will be hiding until they are in their twenties and thirties to come out. Thankfully, I would add, I would not want the younger generation to go through that. It will however make our struggle, one that they will not have a connection with. Makes me a little sad. I was commenting to someone on a t.v.show I watched the other day. There was a very steamy scene between two gay characters and I asked if that person ever thought they would see the day, when two gay characters would go at it like bunnies on prime time tv. People in their late thirties and up fully understand my question, younger people not so much. I'm glad for them, so just store our thoughts away, in cardboard boxes somewhere, with the floppy disks, VCRs and walkmans and maybe take them out once in awhile, shake off the dust and see our history.

The Arrival, or Crash landing.

When I started this blog, I was terrified of being outed as gay. My whole being was about keeping it hidden. It actually never occurred to me to use the blog as a way to help me come out. I think my first intentions were to secretly meet other gay people who wanted to stay hidden as well. I thought this was the right thing to do. We could form a group and hide together. I realize now that I was truly... here comes the word... homophobic. Yes I know that word is used all the time now, but it describes my fear at that moment perfectly. It was in being able to talk with others that gave me a type of support I didn't even know I was looking for until it found me. Now here I am, not really finding myself but more like stumbling into life. My love life sucks or actually isn't, zip, zero you get the pic. I am in a good spot now however. Meaning I never really think of being gay or not gay, I am just me and all that worry and obsessing about being gay is gone now. I never thought I would get here, not sure when it happened but I guess this is my arrival, buuut less dignified than a romantic movie scene in an airport, more like tripping over pots and pans down the stairs when I'm trying to be quiet.

Dusting off the blog.

Whew whew fff aheh! Cough cough! Getting the
dust out of this blog. Yikes! Is that a spider? My big moment back on here will be to say, oh how I f&$#ing hate this over bearing spell check! Ah!
It keeps changing what I want to say. That's it moment over.