Monday, December 8, 2008

Love, How Do You Know

I always had a fear before coming out, that I would never have the chance to fall in love. I found that thought really sad, missing out on something which is (I think) a great part of humanity. I also used to wonder how will I know, how do you know when you are in love. Years ago when I peeked out of the closet and started dating Billy, I often wondered if I was in love with him and just did not know it. Now it is clear to me, although Billy was a great guy and good to me, I never loved him. We were two confused young gay guys that happened to meet and form a relationship, we cared about each other but not the way a couple in love does, at least not on my part.

Love does weird things to the brain, I often heard this in songs or poems but now I see examples between Dave and I all the time. Last night I was watching a scene on Six Feet Under where a gay couple were holding each other laughing at a movie. One man was very sick with a heart condition, near the end of the scene he passed away peacefully in his boyfriends arms and the look of loss on the other man's face just shot through me. Embarrassingly I cried... a lot, Dave hugged me and tried to console me but I had this vision in my head of being in their place, what if I was holding Dave and lost him like that, the joy in my life that I finally found after all this time, taken away from me. I am not sure if this is the beginning stages of a serious relationship, I assume it will change later, honestly I have no other life experience to compare it to, this is all new to me or maybe I'm just becoming runner up for wuss of the year..

Dave assure me he often feels the same way, we confessed little secrets to each other and had a good laugh about them. For instances, some times in the morning when Dave leaves for work, if I see him drive off, I feel a bit misty eyed or lonesome, just for a few seconds but it is there. Dave told me, he watches all the windows to see if I look out, he said that he always waves in case I'm looking out and he did not see me, it would bother him too much to think I was watching and not wave good bye. Whenever he leaves or ends a phone conversation, I always say "I love you" I have a fear that if something should happen to one of us, I want that to be the last thing I ever say to him. If we have been together for a couple of days, he has to leave first, if I leave first then the eyes get a little misty. I have never cared so much about another person other than my family before, I have never felt so good at just seeing a person smile at me, and now...I know.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lovely post. You articulated it well. I've been with my partner for 5 years and I still feel like that. I hope it doesn't go away.

There are times when we forget--lost in the busyness of life. But whenever we are able to slow down, it's easy to remember why we're together.

Peter said...

Steven, you're not a wuss it's a human reaction!

Great post by the way, in a way I envy you and what you are having with Dave. Choking a bit while typing this, who's the wuss now...

Anonymous said...

You can never say, "I love you" too many times. The one time you forget...

It reminds me of the constant fear I had as a little kid of not waking up after going to sleep.

r. said...

Love is grand innit?

Birdie said...

Yes indeed, now you know. Nothing can move us more than real love. Your relationship will change because both of you will change; it's the way of life. But your love will change with you. It will be challenged and it will deepen.

People want to know how I can be with the same man after 37 years. I'm not. He's not the same man I married; he's better.

Java said...

Sounds kinda like love to me, dear. Or close enough to the real thing to run with it now.

Being a wuss is so underrated. Some of my best friends are wusses. I myself am, too.

Anonymous said...

Wuss here too then cuz you are making me cry!

don said...

Enjoy it Steven with a masculine V. Never take love for granted because someday it may be gone.

john said...

What an awesome post...yeah, sappy love songs...most of that stuff had to come from somewhere right?

Vic Mansfield said...

"So,love, and heavenly fire,
and council wise
the noble heart finds most
in starlike eyes"

You go, bro!

Butch said...

This February '09 will be 28 years we've been together and I can say my love has only grown stronger for him. He is also, my best friend and someone I never run out of words with in conversation.

Bill said...


What a nice post. You must be gay.

Howdy! I've had fun catching up on your blog. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and spend it with whomever means the most to you, or to quote one of your posts it just shows how we should not keep putting things off in life.

I haven't even started selecting Christmas gifts yet, and I'm usually finished by now. I'm not concerned about it, either. Everything will fall into place the way it should.

Steve said...

Yes, that sounds like love!!

Wayne said...

Steven, It gets worst. After spending 32 years together, I dread the thought of him or me left alone after all the time we've been together. But I just try not to think about that future day and just cherish each and every day we share right now.