Thursday, March 6, 2008

Madame Flu

The reason for my silence is I met Madame Flu last week. Oh she seemed harmless at first, almost funny really. She tickled my nose, then my throat, I told her to stop with some cough-drops. She asked me with a slight warning in her voice, 'sweety you didn't happen to get your flu shot this year did you'. That is when our relationship changed, that is when she became a woman scorned. Before I knew it she grabbed me and flipped me on my back with some exact ninja move, this left me stunned, weak, dizzy. 'Tried to get away from me did you' she sneered, 'well we will see about that'. She sent her punishments, stuffed up nose, pounding head, aching limbs and back, these banished me to my bed. I tried to take medication to ease the effects. 'What is this', she screamed into my throbbing head, 'pills to weaken my assault, oh you will pay now little man, mama flu is going to make you her bitch'! Grabbing me by the hair she drags me into the washroom throwing me into a heap on the floor, not having the strength to get up, I hear her laugh. 'Greasy food' I think to myself what is she doing, 'raw dough, sour milk, rotten eggs, swallowing lumps in your coffee', oh no stop, I know what you are doing! Her evil cackle tells me it is too late, 'bow I tell you, bow to the porcelain alter, bow for trying to defeat me, bow for going against me, bow to ask for my forgiveness'! She drags me back to bed where I lay in wait for her next torture and they come often. I try to fight her with rest, it is my only weapon against this evil Queen of sickness. Nothing will stay down, nothing will stay in. She thinks of new ways to torment me, sudden fevers that burn me out of my bed, then followed with chills that send me crawling back for the covers. Heat rashes that itch and spread, pain behind the eyes, pain in my muscles, pain in places I did not even know I had. I feel like my plug has been pulled out, energy drained, I am her bitch, she is winning, she owns me for three days and I am at a loss as what to do.

I search in my head, I have met this lady (who is no lady) before, the only thing that will beat her evil cunning, is the love of another caring woman. That is it, I think of my last hero who saved me from this villain before, I think "what would Mom tell me to do if she were here!" I go to the fridge and get out the ginger-ale. Madame Flu shrieks, 'what are you doing, no you don't want that, put it back!' I take the refreshing sip, 'no put it back you really just want to barrrrrf, come on Steve she pleads, think barrrrrrf, rrrrrrrrrrrrraalph, puuuuuuuke! Think of over cooked greasy bacon and eggs, half a worm in your apple, food from McDonald's, blaaaah'! Her tricks are not working, later I try the crackers, then as the day progresses I try soup, if she makes me angry enough I may give her the jello treatment! She comes at me with more fevers but they are not as strong as before, her grip is loosening and she begins to let go....however very slowly!

Well pretty much that is where I have been since last Saturday, I hope everyone else out there is doing fine, however if you were hit with this bug... oh I so understand your pain!


Birdie said...

Oh, honey, you poor thing. You sound absolutely miserable. I want to come and give you chicken broth and cold washcloths. Problem is, I've got the flu, too.

There are two kinds of flu raging through the continent right now—neither of which is covered by the flu shot—and I've had the other one since Monday: throat on fire, fever, can't take a full breath without coughing, congestion. While I did put this week aside from work pressures so I could write a paper, I haven't had the coherency to write a single word. Aren't we pitiful.

I guess if I had to pick one, I'd rather have the one I've got. Nausea is a curse.

I keep everyone at a distance; I've set up camp on the sofa, with water bottles, Motrin, and my laptop with arm's reach. Without the flu, this would actually be heavenly. I've been surfing all over the Web, discovering new blogs (from links on my favorites) and delving deeper into the ones I've bookmarked. What self-indulgence. What a delight of discovery, between naps.

No question, Madame Flu's a bitch. But time will send her packing. Good riddance.


Alex said...

The flu is definitely no lady, and I've never read such a great story about her and her moves. :) Get well soon.

Java said...

I am reading your update while lying in my bed fighting my own bitch. Mine is bacterial, though, and Doctor Wonderful put me on some strong antibiotic and gave me today off. I feel much better now.

Glad you are improving. Sorry you had to put up with that. You have also bagged the bitch by telling her tale so well.

Anonymous said...

I hope that next to the wise words of your Mum another person [D.] took care of you.

danny/ink2metal said...

LOL steven,

not a your pain and suffering, but at your colorful way of depicting them.

i love your sense of humor!

anyway, as they say, laughter is he best medicine. so i hope you a are giggling yourself back to health.


Steve said...

Ooh terrible!

But i know exactly what you mean: I've got the flu as well :(

Steven said...

What an interesting way to put a spin on the current ordeal that you're suffering through. I don't want to say anything that will jinx me and have Madame waiting up for me on the other side of my queen-sized bed (go figure!), so I will close by wishing you a speedy recovery and that I hope the pain and exhaustion is subsiding. (((((Steven)))))

Anthony said...

I hope you are recovering well now.

Brilliant piece of writing , you sure brought the flu big to life.

gay, christian and scared shitless said...

Dude, we have a phrase in the uk, its called "man flu" :-P

It's just a common cold, but if your a man it mean over dramatised death sequences on the sofa, where if you were a girl its just a little sniffle ;-)

Take care and don't let it kill you :-P

daveincleveland said...

i so feel your pain buddy, think i am getting a visit from her...right now just a little quesy and at work, but its saturday and only 1/2 day so i will be home by 1.....i love how you captured her evil attack...brilliant...get well sweetie...hope dave is taking good care of you....:)

W said...

May the winter storms and Madame Flu leave you behind soon!

TWISI said...

sorry to hear you are not feeling well, hope you are better now.

Bill said...

You is a gooder riter than most peoples.
I've lucked out so far, but I got a flu shot for the first time this year. I was in the right place at the right time one Saturday morning, and the city was holding a drive-thru clinic. I didn't even have to get out of my car, and I was through the line in minutes.
Best of all, it was free!

Anonymous said...

Poor you! Sounds like you know how to put up a good fight. Take it easy for a bit if you can.