Pity the Baroness.

Tonight, as is often the custom at Christmas, one of the local stations will be playing the film, The Sound of Music, I am not sure about the connection between Christmas and Nazis but who am I to judge. ............................. For those of you who may not know about this movie, it's the heart breakingly sad story about a true diva, one of the original divas, the stunning Baroness Schraeder (played by Eleanor Parker) and her quest to land a rich and handsome husband. However after spending years laying out the groundwork to reel in a good man, (the dashing Captain VonTrapp) her plans are foiled. ............................................ While the sophisticated and worldly Baroness is planning to come for a visit, along with every true diva's accessory, a gay man named Max, she is unaware that another woman has entered into her lover's household. A young backward mountain girl who climbed down from the hills to hide out in a convent. When the Baroness first arrives, being a woman who knows what she wants, she can always detect an amateur and sees right through the nanny/nun. This holy Mary Poppins starts to bond with the Captain through music and the Baroness becomes practically ill with the sickening sweetness. Giving us the best line from the movie "why didn't you tell me to bring my harmonica" which actually I used at a bbq last summer when everyone except me pulled out a guitar and started singing folk songs. ..................................... Fast forward and the clever Baroness tricks the dull nun into leaving, heaping guilt and shame onto her, it's brilliant. Now she realizes the only thing between her and a new hubby is the scary robot children that he cranked with his first wife, seven children, I guess we know what he did when he came back from being out on the sea. Boarding school, she confesses to max (who I think slept with the evil butler, I just get that feeling). She has the logical solution to get rid of the runny nose brigade, send them off to boarding school. ............................................. Everything is working to plan, things are back to normal when suddenly who shows up like a lost puppy, the nun-ny! Like the beautiful and gracious woman she is, she knows when she has been defeated, yes defeated by youth and the virginal promise of unmarked snow, what every straight guy in midlife craves. With a broken heart she still shows class by giving the Captain a way out to save face for both of them, she says she doesn't want to be tied down and their arrangement no longer works for her. She packs up Max and leaves the two lumps because they deserve each other. ............................................ Later she will be proven right as once he marries the ex-nun he loses his job, they form a band, tick off a bunch of Nazi soldiers, encourage nuns to steal auto parts and then they become homeless. ............................................ As a final note Eleanor Parker only died recently December 9, 2013 of phenomena at the age of 91, sadly I didn't hear anything about it.

Gay me.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day and I was off work. I decided to walk through a field and as often happens when walking a thought occurred to me. I wondered how much of who I am is me because I'm gay and how much of who I am is "me" weather I turned out gay or not. How much of being gay affects who I am and I mean that in both the physical and mental aspects of the person I became. ............................................ There is a difference between gay men and straight men for the most part, I know many will not like or agree with my statement but I have noticed this long ago. It's not one thing it's more like a collection of things, it can sometimes be hard to pinpoint but there is a difference. ............................................. The reason this came into my head, I was having a failure moment. I have been on this farm six years now and never tried to run it. Instead I work in the city and rent the land. I sometimes think a "real" man would have given it a shot, not this half man, not this gay mouse. I over think everything, I fear every possible situation that could go wrong. ............................................ I wonder what I would be like if I was straight, how different would my personality be, or would it be different, I wonder. Even the physical part of who I am. My height is normal but I'm embarrassed by my size, I have the frame of a ten year old and I know being gay has something to do with that. Being this tiny Tim also affected my choice not to farm and not to take part in a lot of sports when younger. Being gay probably has something to do with almost every choice I have ever made and it's hard to explain but a lot of those choices were against what I really wanted, they were negative choices. ............................................. I don't want to make this a whining post, more like if an alien had been observing Steven growing up, it would have noticed that I was different from the other boys, how much was nature and how much was nurture. I don't want that anal probe thing that aliens do though, I'm actually more of a top so that would rub me the wrong way. I mean seriously they could just ask me what I had to eat and skip the whole procedure. ............................................ Sometimes I still feel like there are two of me, the "real" Steven, the guy I was suppose to be but was struck down by gay hormones, and the Steven I am today. I know this is not a healthy way to think because it is seeing myself as a damaged straight guy instead of a complete gay man. Still I have to wonder, how much of my personality is because I am gay and how much is because that's who I am.

Blasted Phone Company.

Amongst Canadians, one of our complaints is that our phone charges are much higher than other countries. I guess it's because the phone lines freeze in winter and all the words get back logged, only to run free again come spring. This morning we were startled by the phone ringing, very unusual as no one would be calling me that early. We have a saying in the country, good news sleeps until noon. Scrambling for the phone I brace myself for bad news. On the line is some guy telling me my computer has a virus and if I give him my credit card information and access to my computer, he will fix everything. So I said sure, I mean who needs all that stupid money to pay for food and rent anyway. Just kidding I hung up. ............................................ The serious side of this is they target the elderly or people who have learning disabilities, so if you have anyone in your circle of family or friends that fall into this group, keep an eye out for them. That is not my angle with this post however, my take is on the glaring problem due to the phone companies. Take for example, I belong to two clubs and some of the people in it live about one and a half/two hours from me. If I call them for information I get a charge of eight to twelve dollars, even on weekends and nights. The guys who call regarding these scams are overseas, it's one of the reasons the law can't touch them. If you think about my bill for eight calling someone who is two hours away, their bills should be eight thousand! Hmmmm, something doesn't smell right. I am feeling a little gouged. I have one friend who told me he no longer calls his brother, instead he jumps in the car and goes to visit him because he said they can talk for hours and the price of a tank of gas is almost the same as his phone bill lol. ............................................ I think if the phone companies really wanted to help protect their clients, there is probably an easy solution but I wouldn't count on them because they will never do a thing unless they start to lose money, then watch how fast the clampdown comes. As for me, lower my charges you swindlers! Maybe next time that computer virus guy calls, I will ask him to call my friend for me and relay my messages.

FWBs and other bad ideas.

When I was younger I used to have friends over, we would play video games, drink beer and eat pizza. My friends were straight family men and my place was a getaway for them. I remember sometimes guys being guys, they would strip down to get comfortable, it was hard not to feel aroused by the situation. One day I had the thought in my head, why couldn't a person have a few friends over that would play video games, eat pizza, drink beer, get naked, play twister and help each other out with a little intimacy. When I first heard the term "friends with benefits" I thought "bingo" that may be the thing for me. Lately "friends with benefits" just seems to be part of the relationship dialogue, as if it has become a new form of couple, as if equal to boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend. The evening news did a segment one night about it and discussed how to navigate through a relationship like this, it almost seemed to recommend getting into a friendship if you happen to not be dating anyone. ....................................... Sounds good in theory but I can't actually see myself doing that. I think I would get attached to the person, (I would hope I get attached) it's not in me to not care. If I didn't, then something is really wrong with me, or him (or them lol). I am not judging anyone here, if that is your current situation then that is your business. As for myself, I think searching out someone to start this type of relationship would feel phoney, because it's not an actual friendship built on mutual interests, shared experiences or connections. It would be an arrangement, like a business partnership or something along those lines. I think after an encounter like that I would feel empty (oh, no pun intended) or have huge regrets. ............................................. Even now if a life long friend came forward and wanted to start something, it would be just too weird. Oh the awkward moment when I get naked and he gets naked, then the handcuffs come out etc etc, yuck it would be like when I have to strip at the doctor's office. I have come close to entering into a relationship like this but I backed out, it's not really what I am looking for. Better to keep these thoughts for fantasy, dirty dirty fantasies. Oh well you know what they say, you should learn to love yourself first, yes pun intended.

298 posts, 299 posts, 300!!!!

Wow 300 posts, what should I say. I would like to thank all the little people for getting me here, Santa's elves, the seven dwarfs and especially the oz munchkins. Three Hundred posts, actually I thought there would be more, I started back in 2007, was halted by life and no internet access, then restarted or more like continued since I didn't actually quit. I like to go back and read some of my first posts. The flood of memories that come back can be almost a little intoxicating. I think because it's almost like reading about someone else but at the same time being transported back to that moment, with all the emotions and feelings that come from those memories. ........................................ I was recalling the early days, when I was a lurker only. I thought I had stumbled upon a gold mine, a gay gold mine. At that time it still was the straight community that tried to define us and of course they would only stick to one stereotype. I didn't connect to that stereotype, I didn't want to be some super fabulous gay guy who hit on straight men and never had a relationship longer than one night. According to the thinking of that time, that was what I was supposed to become. Keeping in mind I was growing up in the country so I didn't have any exposure to positive gay role models or any gay people for that matter. ............................................. It was the everyday little things in life that attracted me to the blogs. I know it sounds silly now but I would soak up the details of a gay couple cooking dinner, doing laundry or buying a house together. The interactions between the guys, it was something the straight world would never allow us to see, not exciting enough, no one wanted the gay secret to get out, the secret that gay relationships were pretty much just like straight relationships. ............................................ I watched and watched and watched and finally a little light began to flicker, that I could have a relationship, that I could be like those couples, on my terms, just like my straight friends. I had this fantasy, to be watching tv or something ordinary like reading a book, my boyfriend would walk in, we would kiss and I would ask how his day was. It seems so small now but at that time, I couldn't even say the sentence "I am gay" out loud in my apartment, for fear that the sky would collapse down on me once spoken. ............................................. The day to day living of gay men and couples was what first brought me to the blogs. I then decided to use the blogosphere as a private community, to get the support I needed and to work out my thought process along the way while I came out. Blogging is different for me now as circumstances are different now. The blog rambles a little to other tropics, maybe because as I get older I ramble off or so I am told. Blogging is different now also in that I no longer "need" to blog, now it's more like thinking out loud or a hobby, plus I like to see what others are saying, thinking and doing. Also the community has changed but most bloggers are a friendly bunch and as an introvert it's easier for me to meet new people this way. ...................................... Well that's it 300, woo who, however going forward if I happen to meet a cute guy, then I will neglect this blog and probably you won't hear from me until he does something stupid, which is the way it should be. Then I will blog about how it's all his fault and what a perfect boyfriend I was to him.

Thirty Three and Up.

Not recommended for 33 and up, apparently that could be on a label for music CDs, if you were thinking of giving them as a gift. Maybe I am showing my age, do people buy music CDs any more? I keep hearing about a fact that most people stop listening and buying music after the age of 33. I know regarding my music habits that is mostly true. Some speculate that may be due to the fact most people are heavily into career and family at that age. Clearly that statement doesn't apply to me. I did begin to notice my lack of interest in songs and music and I figured it has something to do with age. Every now and then I come across a band or song I like, but I find after a while I grow tired of it/them. ........................................ I happened to read a comment the other day saying eighties music was really bad, at first I was slightly offended since eighties music was the soundtrack to my coming of age. Then I began to think of a lot of the songs and bands of that time, yup they really were bad weren't they! In my defense I didn't listen to top forty type songs. I have also gone through the stage in life around twenties and thirties where you are excited to hear an old song from your teen years because it makes you think back. Now I no longer want to hear anything from those years, they make me feel down because it's a time long ago that is fading away faster each year, I want to move on. .................................... Sometimes when I feel sleepy while driving I will play a music station and I find I hate nine out of ten songs. Except for one singer, lately I perk up when I hear Adele, she snaps me out of my music hating stupor. I love her slightly gravely voice, that woman exudes pain lol. If you are going through a bad break up, listen to Adele she is going to wail your tortured heartbreak, she gets it, she knows. I just heard while writing this post that she is only going to sell her new CD as a CD only, no downloading, lol she must have read my post! Now let's get the video stores back!

Nuances, Subtleties and Secret Moments.

I think for most of us born before 1990, we unknowingly or maybe knowingly, developed a sixth sense about the people around us. The basic truth is that we had to, in order to be able to maneuver through the planet of the straights. I think many of us began to read the subtleties of body language, read between the lines and pick up on things that went over the top of most other's heads. We had gaydar long before the word was invented. I also realize now that all the times I thought my gaydar was broken, it was working perfectly. Just that the handsome jock with the wife and 2.5 kids, also secretly had a boyfriend that would later show up in life. ....................................... One thing that I love about the way gay couples are not only accepted around here, actually pretty much a none issue, is the result regarding the younger guys. The young guys that are completely the opposite of a gay stereotype, those guys were the most hidden but the new generation is not burdened by past bigotry. I love when I am surprised, I love when some handsome guy who looks straight to me, very casually says "no you go ahead sir, I'm just waiting on my husband" a little voice laughs in my head and says "you have just been schooled". ........................................ However this is not the reality of most gay people in the world, which makes me think about the bad old days. Everything gay for me was a negative, I felt it was under control, I had my whole routine, I would stick with it, I had a life long plan and it involved hiding, hiding and hiding. I remember my first positive experience. It happened at a bus station (you better not be thinking about under stall sex or something). I was in my last year of high school, I lived in the city and was on my way home to visit my parents. I had just hunkered down in a chair waiting for the bus, listening to tunes on my Sony walkman (remember those) eating Doritos when something caught my attention. It was a blip on my gaydar. ............................................ Three young people about my age, a girl and two guys were fooling around in a photo booth (do they still have those) and there was something about the two guys. I couldn't put my finger on it but something about them grabbed my attention like a magnet, the way they looked at each other, spoke to each other or seemed comfortable being close to each other. They were trying to fit in the booth to get a picture before the girl had to leave. The bigger guy sat in the chair, the girl sat on one knee while the thinner guy sat on the other knee. Laughing and joking they pulled the curtain to take a picture but had pulled it too far and that's when I saw it, affection.... and I was stunned by it. Affection between two guys and not the kind I was used to. It was a moment in time, it seemed like everything slowed down for me. The bigger guy wrapped his arms around both the guy and girl to hold them by the waist, however the smaller guy held his hand, not knowing I was watching the smaller guy learned back and relaxed into his friend, the bigger guy leaned forward placing his chin on the other's shoulder closing his eyes and hugged him close, the kind of hug that says "I love this guy". I just stared, caught up in their private moment. Suddenly the bigger guy opened his eyes and looked right at me, saw me watching and snapped all three off the chair. They were scared, they quickly left, I wanted to tell them it's ok, I wanted to give them a thumbs up, but that was a different time and I was a different person. That night I couldn't sleep, I saw a gay couple, they were in love and that was a beginning.