Wish You Where Here.

Yesterday evening was spent as it often is, with me and a buddy laughing and snickering for hours like school boys up to something. I was going to post today what we were talking about but since last night I suddenly felt that I was missing the point, like talking about a street lamp while standing under a night sky filled with stars. The point is who I was talking with, someone who has come to mean a lot to me, as much as any friend I have here, as much as family. We both blog, that is how I met him, I have been reading his blog for over a year now and we are at the same level of comfort with being gay. After lurking around his blog for months I felt a connection and contacted him, he was easy to talk to, very kind, we had a lot in common and we became friends, I really needed one and he certainly came through for me. The first month or so we can laugh about now, but it was basically poor him trying not to spook me off since I was so closeted. We both felt like we were forced onto this journey and so we could follow the path together. He is quite a distance from me and at first that was a comfort, I would have been terrified if he had suddenly showed up at my door. He is also another reason that I began to feel comfortable with coming out, I felt if someone like him could be gay, then being gay must be alright and not something bad or wrong. We began to chat and he really, really pressured me to send him a picture, OK no he did not pressure me but I know he is going to read this and I wanted him to jump a little. He sent me a picture of himself and told me whenever I felt comfortable I could send him one, so I thought I need to trust someone at some point in time and I did.

We began to talk to each other for hours instead of chatting and that brought us closer. I'm not sure when it happened, I did not see it coming, but sometimes I would be at work and would find myself wondering what he was doing at that moment, or something funny would happen and all I could think of was getting home so I could talk to him and tell him. I started to realize that there was a different feeling towards him than some of my other blog and email friends. At first I tried to deny it. I think long distance relationships are not practical, they are doomed to failure and are better left in romance novels, so imagine my surprise when I realized I was taking a nose dive into one. I remember him once telling me about meeting a new friend, how he thought that friend was gay and wondered how he could know for sure, the whole time he was telling me this, I kept thinking, no you don't want him, you want me, and then I knew for sure I was in trouble. Finally one day I told him how I felt, that I was not sure what, if anything we were suppose to do about it. Part of me even hoped he would say maybe we should break off contact, that would have been easier. Instead he said he had the same thoughts. At first the distance was a comfort but not anymore, I'm not afraid to meet him in fact I feel like I have been separated from an old friend and miss him all the time, even though we have never met in person.

Well that is where we are now, I find it difficult to be so far apart. The little things bother me, if something good happens I can't be there to share in the joy and if something bad happens I can't put my arms around him and say things will get better. I think the whole thing is crazy until I hear his voice and a sudden feeling of calm comes over me, he sends me little messages that he is thinking of me or is missing me and sometimes that is what I need, to know someone is thinking about me. He says he cares about me and sometimes it makes me dizzy and I have to put my head on my desk to stop the spinning feeling, he tells me I look cute, I tell him he needs glasses, he builds me up as brave, I ask him the sky color in his world. He can make me frustrated, drive me crazy, twist my words but I find that cute about him and even if I get upset with him we usually are laughing.

When I started to write this blog, I wanted to meet other people who were coming out and I also wanted to see if anyone would be interested in what I had to say. I decided not to tell any of my blog friends that I was writing, at least for a little while, that way I knew the people who did read it were reading because they were hopefully getting something from it and not because they felt obligated to read, if that makes sense. That is why I have not really mentioned my mystery blog buddy before now, yes some of you know who it is so shhht! We are not sure where we are going to go with this, we talk about meeting, I confess I'm stalling for fear that he will not like me and I don't want to lose the friendship. He is the reason I tell people not to fix me up because to me it would be cheating. My friends ask if I did this on purpose to avoid a relationship, maybe at first but not now. When we talk, we keep it going for hours, I don't want to stop, I think just a few more minutes and when we say bye, it is like a heavy door closes and I'm alone again, you're so far from me, wish you were here.

Little boy.

Just like most men, when I get sick I can become a little boy. When little boys get sick or hurt they run straight for Mom, so that is exactly what I did. Crawling home to hide under a rock and try to heal my wounded ego. How could I get this disease, lose control over my own body a sure sign of weakness, my maleness angry with myself. The good news is I can't believe the way things are coming back, almost full recovery. My sister was at my parents as well and she said there are almost no more signs of the Bell's Palsy unless I become tired or laugh too much. Thanks to all the well wishers out there, I appreciated the comments and emails. I knew someone that was affected for over two months.

As I was saying my sister was visiting my parents also since it was Thanksgiving in Canada last weekend. I told her I did not want to come to her get together if I was still looking a little off. She said that I knew where they would be and I was welcome to come if I felt up to it. We walked around talking and it was nice to be able to connect with her. She said she told them about me but she is not sure what I expect. She was thinking of trying to fix me up with a really nice guy that she knows but she felt awkward about asking him. I told her that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, right now I'm looking for friends, well gay friends that is. I told her don't worry about fixing me up with a guy I'm not ready for that, plus I reminded her that my heart kind of belongs somewhere right now. The way things are improving health wise for me it looks like I will get to make it after all, wow I can't wait to meet real live gay people! You know I had heard that there were other gay people in the world but to finally meet some will be awesome!

My friend "B" that I just told last week called this evening. She wanted to see how I was doing, both with being sick and the gay issue. She was so supportive, I never thought she would be like that. She was basically giving me a pep talk, I told her that with friends like her behind me, I feel stronger with the whole coming out deal. She told me about a connection she has with understanding gay issues and so I told her I feel closer to her now, she said she was glad and that is what she wanted. She said I had too many good experiences and now I need a bad one to prepare me, I joked and said I could tell my parents if she wants. I guess that would be one of the struggles that a parent feels. Something is wrong or they perceive it as something is wrong with their little boy and they can't help him.

Borders

Some where out there is a guy who I hope is getting ready to leave and return home, I am hoping he has a safe trip and is back when I get back. Someone I lean on and his voice gives me a lot of strength. Someone who I miss greatly at the moment and is often my island in rough seas. Someone who is separated from me by borders, time and distance and yet I feel as close to him as any friend here in the city.

Back on the lighter side.

Enough with the gloomy posts, sorry this is going to bounce all over. OK so I tell myself that I am writing this blog for me. I need to get my thoughts out and if anyone connects with a post then that is good. However I have become a comment addict, I love getting comments from people, I need my fix of getting comments from people, so sad! It makes me feel like I did well and people liked the post. The trouble then starts when I think of not posting because people will find a certain post boring and that is censoring my thoughts, if I write only to get comments then I will have become a comment whore!
I am coming a long way in accepting the gay culture from where I started years ago. I realized it this week when I was absolutely tickled pink to discover that I had been added to Cincy Diva's blog roll over at Divas Never Die (sorry still have not played with the links yet), not sure why but I just feel way cooler after being added for some reason!
One of my little evil indulgences, and I know I am going to regret saying this, is to go over to the blog Brettcajun, don't know what it is about that guy but I find him real easy to look at, now no one go over and spill the beans please! My jaw hit the floor ( it wasn't from the Bell's Palsy) when he did the self pictures on the couch in his tightie whities, yeah really liking that post. I think I have been lurking around his blog for well over a year, come to think of it that is kind of creepy.
Sunglasses and cap! A lot of bloggers do not put up a picture and I fully understand that, I would never ask a person for their picture. Some people have emailed me their picture because it is more private. So just for fun and so that I have some idea of what a person might look like that communicates with me through my blog. If you feel comfortable do like I did and send me a picture of yourself in cap and sunglasses, it can be cool or silly what ever you want and I would never put them on my blog or anything like that. Actually it is open to anyone that wants to do it, like I said it is just for fun and for me to put a face or hidden face in my mind to some of the comments.
Gay porn, I like to watch two guys kissing and being loving. I think what it would be like to have a boyfriend that would hold me, hug me, tell me he loves me etc but you don't find that in gay porn. It is not that I watch it a lot or anything but most of the time when I'm watching it, I am not going "yes oh yes". It is more like "oh no, oh no", "oh that is sick" and "oh hell no, I'm not doing that" another area where I don't think I am going to fit in (no pun intended). I am hoping nobody tries to pull the top and bottom thing because I believe in equal sharing, in other words you are gonna get what you give.
The funniest line came from my sister the other day, worried about her little brother being newly gay she said "don't go and date some big biker, you are only out so you don't want some big thing shoved up back there" not a line I ever thought I would hear her say to me, her friend and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. I really like that I am starting to enjoy being gay, I was afraid I was going to feel tortured all the time like living in a country song, come to think of it my dog did die in the spring, my job is DOA and my love life sucks so maybe I did not escape after all! Should I not be living in a Cher or Madonna song?

Life with teeth.

As everyone knows from experience, life has a funny way of swinging round and biting you on the ass! I had been really excited over something that was coming up. I was not going to mention it until a few days before it happened. That is my sister often has a party in October, even though I like her friends that I know of, I never really went before. This year however she asked me to come, her reason was that, as I mentioned before she has gay friends. She told them about me and they were going to try and help me. I was going to get to meet other actual gay guys that lived in this city and if they were sister approved, then I know I would be OK. There were also to be lesbian couples and maybe they could try to net work for me, allow me to meet their gay male friends as well. I was looking forward to this and counting off the days. This week however, when I was not looking life crept up behind me and attacked.
It started a few days ago, I had gone out to the country to see my parents and as I was leaving I remarked to my mother that the muscles in my face felt like they were jumping. The next day was the shocker, the left side of my face had developed paralysis, even affecting blinking and it is a very unsettling feeling when suddenly you lose control over your own body. I hate going to the hospital but I could tell that a band-aid was not going to fix this. They went through the usual tests to rule stuff out and the conclusion was Bell's Palsy. Fuck! Excuse my language but fuck! I was given my horse pills and they taste like crap. They said it could go away in three weeks to three months but the scary thing is that there is a slight risk that it would never go away. The result is you have trouble eating, you can't smile, you talk out of the side of your mouth, one eye burns from drying out because of not being able to blink properly, you look terrible, who would want me now. I have not spoken to my sister yet, but I will tell her there is no way I am going to meet a group of strangers like this. Really though my main worry is to get back to normal, the thing that I want most is not a party but to be able to drink a glass of water without looking like a camel. I had not mentioned it earlier because I was trying to use my blog as an escape, but my blog is a place for me to vent my emotions and today I really needed to vent them, mostly it is fear. I have to also whine a little though about the party etc, why now just when things were going to maybe line up for me. When Life bites you, sometimes it uses it's fangs.

Billy Part II

To pick up where I left off, the small recap would be that a really great guy (Billy) asked me to go out with him and I over thinking everything, said no. He understood, I was not ready. He was really good that way, in being patient, he never became angry or frustrated with me or at least not that I saw. One day while at his place, he was showing me things in his room, a way for me to get to know who he was. I looked over at him and he was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, and had a funny grin on his face. I asked what was up, he sheepishly asked me, "can I hold you" I thought about it for a second and agreed. I leaned back against him, he put his arms around me and we stayed like that for a long time, lying on the bed talking and that was the beginning. The hurdle was that we both had straight room mates, so it was hard to meet and be together but it also gave it a little bit of excitement. We took it slow, just kissing another guy was huge for me and I did not want anything else in the beginning. We tried to find places where we could spend time alone together, one night we were kissing like crazy in a park after dark, we did not know this was against the local law and we nearly died on the spot when two cops pulled up and caught us. I thought for sure there would be a report in the local paper the next day with our names printed on the front page. Billy would just laugh and say one day we would look back and laugh about it. It was good being part of a couple, now I did not have to go places alone. We would pretend to be just going places as friends, however I would feel electric when we would drive somewhere and he would hold my hand in the car on the way over. Sitting in restaurants we often touched knees as a sign of connection, a secret way of saying I'm here, I'm with you.
Finally his room mates left for vacation and that gave us his house for two weeks. I have a memory stored away all these years of one night when I was staying over, and I used to draw on that memory when I needed it. This may sound strange to some of you but even though we slept in the same bed we still were not sexually intimate. I remember we talked in the dark until late in the night and finally we fell asleep. An hour or so later I woke up again. I realized that I had rolled with my back up against him, I quickly moved away from him as I would normally do if touching any guy. Then it struck me, it was OK, I could touch him, lean against him, in fact it would be where he would want me if he should wake up. I slowly rolled back into him, I allowed myself to feel his warmth, to listen to his deep breathing as he slept, I could touch another man, the sky did not fall, the world did not split and fly apart. I had to sit up as a sudden euphoric feeling came over me. As my eyes adjusted to the night I could see that Billy was sleeping in the nude, I was uncomfortable with him doing that but he would laugh and say I could sleep on the couch or floor as it was his house, I think he would also do it to tease me. He was sleeping on his stomach with his arms folded under his pillow, the moon was reflecting off his skin, it took my breath away, his shape sculpted by moon light, glowing, muscles defined, not erotic but beautiful like a statue. I remember staring at him, his sleep so peaceful. I remember feeling protective, like I wanted to watch over him. Then it hit me finally for the first time - I had a boyfriend - I had a boyfriend! I never thought I would find anyone, I was no longer alone, I was part of something greater than an individual. I closed one fist in the air and whispered YESSSS!
My problem was never when we were together, yes of course we had small arguments but none that I remember now. It was when we were apart, I would begin to panic. What if people found out, it had been burned into me that gay was bad! Once we became serious people would start to guess, Billy was braver than I was and he began to tell people. This really frightened me, I cared about Billy but I did not want to be gay. I was also filled with doubt, I was afraid that one day he would say "now that I know you, I no longer want to be with you". Sometimes we were not able to be together for days and without the connection I would want to get away from all the pressure, it was however pressure I was putting on myself. The beginning of the end was when I took a job in the area that my parents lived in, it was my way of running, I would not call him for weeks. We did sort of hang out back and forth after that but the damage was done. Once while coming out of one of my denial periods I called him, he no longer worked at his old job and he had moved. I knew head hunters from England and the States were always trying to get him to work in companies there. We had no mutual friends so there was no way to track him down, and believe me I tried because once I realized that I lost a good friend, I suddenly understood his importance to me. I also felt a strong need to tell him how sorry I was for the way I treated him and to thank him for the great lifetime memories that he gave me. That was over ten years ago and I slammed the closet door shut after that, sealing it until now. I do not know what happened to Billy and I never found him again, that is how this post was suppose to end, because I knew one day I would probably talk about this part of my life. The thing that suddenly changed over the last few days is that I actually finally found him! I was happy to hear he is doing quite well, he is down in the States and has a great job, however most importantly I will get to tell him what I really feel I need to tell him.

Billy, Part I

I have been saying that I never told any of my family or friends that I was gay until this past August and that is true, other than some people in blog land who I have been writing to over the last year and a half, no one else or should I say almost no one knew before that. There is one person who did know years ago, I was not sure if I would ever mention it but it has been on my mind a lot lately so here it goes. As strange as this will sound, I did have a boyfriend once, long ago when I was twenty five, it was nice and those memories are another strong reason why I wanted to come out.
I used to swim almost every day, I'm not a great swimmer but for exercise and fun I went to a pool close to my home. Every day around the same time there was a group of people my age that would come to swim also. Being sort of shy, I would only nod my head and say a quick hello. There were two guys that caught my eye, they came the most often and were there almost every time I was. I thought both were cute, they certainly did not look gay to me but I wanted to make friends anyway. One night there was only one guy from the group, Billy. He was a handsome dark haired guy, being too shy I never said a word to him the entire evening. As we were the only ones changing in the locker room getting ready to leave, the little voice in the back of my mind was yelling "say something dumb dumb before he gets away"! I swallowed the lump in my throat and stumbled out "pools kind uh cold tonight eh" being gifted with words as I am! He turned and started up a conversation, he was friendly and seemed to be nice. I did not think much of it as he sat down beside me and we talked, then he reached out and placed his hand lightly on my knee as he spoke. My gaydar sprang on and beeped immediately. Four or five times while talking to me, he would place his hand on my knee and I made no attempt to remove it. While talking to me, he would stare right into my eyes and not the way two straight guys look at each other when speaking. He told me he was from down east and did not know a lot of people around here and said we should go out some time, I agreed. As I left I was thinking, oh man I think I was just hit on by a guy, and it feels so f***ing good to be wanted! Later that night I was so excited I could not sleep, then the thoughts of maybe I was wrong or maybe I misunderstood, then I would worry if he is gay what does he want from me, what does he expect from me. My danger comes from over thinking every situation.
The next day I thought to play it cool, just in case I misunderstood him. When he saw me though, he rushed up to me and was so excited to see me that I knew in that second I was right. At first we would only talk at the pool and one day when he saw that I would walk home he kept trying to give me a lift. I was a little spooked about getting into a gay guy's car, even though he was only a year older, well remember I just came from the country so think 'over sheltered' life. Finally I let him start to drive me home, then he would take me for drives sometimes in the evening. At this time he was not sure if I was gay, so he kept throwing me off by talking about getting married to the right girl and having kids. I was about to send my gaydar in for repair until one night he invited me out for dinner, we went to a straight bar-restaurant and I remember thinking boy was I wrong about this. Later we were driving around and he asked me if I had a problem with gay or bisexual people, I wanted to say 'well I'm here with you am I not' but I just said no. He paused for a bit and said "well I'm bisexual you know" man the bells of happiness went off in my mind! I said it is really hard for me to say but that I'm gay, he was pretty happy then also. We started to hang out together and then one day he asked me out as in boyfriend out and I said no, you read that correctly I said no! I just was not ready for a boyfriend and I told him that, he told me he would wait.
Now in tomorrow's part II, let me explain how Steven screwed up a really good thing and still kicks himself to this day about it.