Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Freedom vs loss.
It's interesting as we age, we often think back and can't understand why we made certain mistakes. The problem is we are looking at something in today's bubble, we arrived here while learning and experiencing life along the way. It's not really fair to judge our younger self who hasn't had those experiences yet.
I was thinking back to a time when I first started wondering about coming out. I used to think that I would be secretly gay, out only to my closest friends and that one day when my parents were no longer around, I would be totally out. I imagined a total freedom of living a full gay life, happily ever after. What I didn't contemplate was the sense of loss and the feeling that a part of me was gone. The young man in the bubble at that time, couldn't grasp the feeling of not having them around. Even more importantly, he also couldn't grasp that having his parents around, wasn't really the issue of whether he would be fully out or not.
My parents are gone now basically and I didn't gain freedom, I experienced loss instead. Even with them gone, I really suck at being gay. Sometimes I wonder if it would be a lot easier to have remained naive, thinking that staying in the closet was a success. Being that clueless was easier in some ways. I imagine myself on my deathbed thinking, "I did it! No one figured it out, I will die as a straight man". I think however what would actually happen is that I would realize... I totally threw my life away and there are no second chances.
I stop myself from going down that road, I remind myself of the good times. I think of dating Billy and dating Dan and those were some of my best life moments. Even being with my fwb, I learned from him. I don't regret one second spent with any of them, if I had a chance to do it over, I would. The only difference would be for me to do my part better. The three years with Dan, were my richest life experiences ever, to be able to find my way back there is my ultimate goal. It's just that I seem to have forgotten how to get there.