Monday, July 29, 2019
Avoiding the question.
There have been a few stories lately regarding negative attitudes towards the LGBTQ community and I was feeling upset over the weekend but I decided not to blog about them for now. I have to step back and view my own life and for now it's pretty good. I need to focus on the positive side and I had a great experience last Wednesday during lunch hour. I know the group I sit with have very open minds regarding most things so I'm not surprised.
I won't go into details but the subject of transgender people and gay people came up. This is usually quite rare and if the subject does come up.. it only lasts for seconds in a conversation. This time however it lasted longer and gave me an insight into how each person thinks. It was interesting hearing the views of the older generation vs the younger guys. Men around my age were embarrassed by past behavior and are working on being inclusive, the younger guys see no issue, they kept saying it doesn't affect me so why would I care who someone dates.
One of the dads was saying how it is even better with young teens regarding LGBTQ issues. He was saying how easy it flows for his children when he listens in on conversations. He said he hears things like, "I saw Mike at the pool yesterday, remember him"?
"No I don't know who you mean".
"He was in your class last year and before that he used to be Mary when you were in elementary".
"Oh yeah I remember him, how is he"?
My coworker felt proud that his kids have an open mind like that. The older crew was explaining what it was like back in the eighties.. when even people like boy-George denied they were gay. How being gay was a no no especially in small towns. It was a great conversation, I found the viewpoints interesting, I felt really good coming away from that conversation. There was a point when people were saying to the younger guys, that is the reason it's still hard for the older generations to come out. At that moment I thought it would be perfect to say something like, "that's why I never said a word about myself until right now... and then pause as it sinks in... but I didn't. I walked away thinking, Old Lurker and Jimmy are going to give me such a hard time over this one... it made me laugh a little.
I do have a reason and it's not what you think. First I don't think anyone really cares to be honest but that's not the reason for my silence. It's not about fear or rejection it's something else and it's simple. When I first came out to my friends years ago, there was a question that I hated having to answer. All my friends were happy for me to finally admit that I am gay, also they wanted the best for me so inevitably once I told them, they would ask with a warm curious smile, "so Steve, are you seeing someone, do you have a boyfriend"? Unfortunately I would have to answer no and I would see the smile fade away, they felt sorry for me, I know they were hoping that I had found someone and that was why I was telling people.
I don't want to answer that question at the moment because I feel like the kid I was in high school asking people out, no girl would touch me with a ten foot pole. I felt like a loser at dating and now I suck at dating all over again. When I was with Dan, I noticed how easy it was for me to tell people, actually I wanted the world to know, love does that to a person. I know many of the guys will hope that I have someone and I want to be able to say with a shy grin, "yes I'm seeing someone, his name is".