Y2K, not oK.

Y2K, remember that? On January first of the year 2000, all the computers were going to shut down or crash, airplanes were going to fall out of the sky, the power grid was going to over-load and explode, civilization was going to end as we knew it. Even though people who actually worked in the industry were saying it won't be that bad, leave it up to the media to create hysteria. I was with my current company and there was some worry about it but not panic. Something scary is about to happen related to Y2K, something that makes me feel sick inside but there's nothing I can do about it. Even though it feels like a few years ago, the frightening thing for me is to realize that all the cute little babies born on that worrisome day, will begin to turn into men and women, eighteen years of age. I find myself feeling like I'm watching an hour glass that represents my life, the sand is quickly slipping out and there is nothing I can do.

Merry Christmas!

Many of you are about to be busy so let me wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Now I have to get caught up on all the last minute things I kept putting off, procrastination is not a good character quality to have... lol.

Santa is on drugs!

In the never ending quest for companies to cash in on Christmas, I think I just saw a new low. Instead of leaving out for Santa some cookies and milk, one company that manufacturers pain medication recommended leaving out some pills. It's supposed to help with any back pain or muscle soreness. Yes, leaving out drugs where little children will be running around excited with candy and toys, what could ever go wrong! That's really $ick you $upid idiot$ ............................................... Can't you just see it, after a few houses like these, Santa would be feeling no pain. I can see him after a few years of this new trend, coming down the chimney and heading straight into everyone's medicine cabinet, cold sweat running down his face. Rushing into little Cindy Lou's bedroom, "Santa is edgy, he's feeling rotten, please tell old Santa, where the heck is mommy's oxytocin"! Imagine poor Santa, stumbling around, knocking over Christmas trees, stepping on gifts, slurring his speech "woh whoo ho", the perfect Santa for modern times. Later we would read how he was sleeping around with sketchy women behind Mrs Clause's back, he had to be treated for an infection from a tattoo on his arm, the reindeer were taken away from him because of neglect, verbal abuse allegations regarding a drunken stupor on the shop floor and finally Santa missing one Christmas due to being checked into rehab. What is next, Santa taking Viagra? Unmerry Christmas drug company, I hope your sales go as low as your ethics!

SM

Warning, this post may be offensive to some readers. This evening I was catching up on outside work since the temperature was a little above freezing, making working outside bearable. As darkness fell I decided it was time to go in. Plus because of noon cranberry juice, I really had to "go", then I was thinking that I am out in the country, it's getting dark, there's no one around and I just cleaned the washroom. So I marked my territory, not just marked it, I wrote my initials in the snow, not just wrote them, I used a heavy font. I didn't have to "go" enough to spell my full name, so I just stuck with SM. The odd thing about this is that even though I have lived in Canada all my life, plus lived in the country most of my life, I have never done that before, wrote in the snow that is. I have to wonder, am I improving or regressing. Made me wonder about a lot of other silly things that I have never done. Like the game "never have I ever", my list would be too long, not that I haven't tried at times. Sometimes I think everyone just has to let go a little, live a little, I caused myself to miss out on a lot of experiences. Funny things like skinny dipping, never did that, wanted to try it but just never had the chance. I think it's too late now for many things, getting caught up in the moment is a life experience, doing something just to mark an X on some list seems sad in a way. Other things just don't interest me, like sex on the kitchen table, first let me say yuck, I would burn the table after, plus how uncomfortable would that be. Bungee jumping, makes absolutely no sense to me, I wouldn't judge someone else for doing it but it's not for me. Anyway I don't want to question my life now, all I did was write in the snow. Oddly enough it was still my hand writing which is strange considering I wasn't using a pen.

Haunted by past Christmases.

Yesterday I was running errands and didn't get finished until after dark. On my way home I had to pass through the small village where my mother grew up. I have a lot of good Christmas memories regarding that place, my maternal grandparents lived in the same house until the day they died. As is often the case, we were very close to our mother's parents, every Sunday was spent visiting and of course Christmas day was spent there eating, opening gifts and running around with the cousins. Across the street was an outdoor skating rink, where we would play all evening with other kids from the area, it was like a scene from an old movie that was about Christmas. Every house would be decorated for Christmas, not over the top like some houses can be nowadays but there would be a large tree in every living room shining out and there would also be outdoor trees all in lights as well. ............................................. I was thinking about past Christmases spent in this little village as I was approaching the entry point. I was greatly saddened by what I saw next. The town was in almost complete darkness. No lights, no decorations and no sight of any Christmas trees. I was looking at the houses as I past through and in my mind realized that most of the people there are in their seventies or older, too feeble to be hoisting up lights, some of the other houses were bought by single men who travel to the city for work, not likely they have time or the desire to put up decorations. Also a lot of the houses are empty, the owners long gone now, leaving the properties to middle aged children who only use the houses in summer. Then came the most disappointing, my grandparents house, in total darkness, it has been that way for over two years now. The house has changed ownership many times since they died, seems no one is interested in living there. I couldn't help thinking, this must be the town that Christmas forgot. Sad the way things can change so much and not always for better.

Christmas vomit.

It's that time of year again where the only tv channels I get, are too frigging cheap to show good Christmas movies or even b grade movies for that matter. Now when I turn on the tube I am assaulted by the worst, most sappy, cheesy, totally predictable movies I have ever (momentarily) watched. It's the same story line over and over. Girl meets guy, girl hates guy, girl and guy quarrel, argue, bicker, sarcastically at first but then playfully, until one day girl realizes guy is just misunderstood (and incredibly wealthy) so she dumps her fiance, usually at the altar. There are long family tensions thrown into the story also but they suddenly get cleared up because the cheerful woman has a picnic in the park or bakes a cake for them. Of course something happens that they can't be together and some lame misunderstanding keeps them apart until the end then the guy proposes. Bbbbarrrrrf! I can't believe that a film like this still gets made, who the heck writes this crap, thirteen year old girls?

Oops, did it again.

The other day I was working/chatting with a friend in our local cemetery, a usual day for me as I am a volunteer on the graveyard committee. We were taking measurements for an older neighbour, he is still alive but as he said, at 83 it never hurts to be prepared. I love the practicality of country folks. While we were marking out headstones, I commented that someone who is gay was worried about their partner not being allowed to be buried with them since this is a Catholic graveyard. I wanted to see what my friend would say. He just kind of huffed and said that it was nobody's business who gets buried in a person's plot once it has been paid for. I said there could be trouble but he reminded me that there are couples buried together that were never married and some had gone on to join other religions after buying plots. I felt better knowing there are allies on the committee. He mentioned another neighbour's son who also recently bought two graves, one for him and the other must be for his longtime boyfriend. ............................................. There we were, two guys quietly taking measurements, staking out plots, casually talking about gay people we know.... and I could have just calmly slipped in a little "me to" but I didn't. It was a perfect moment and I purposely skipped the moment, so it made me think a lot after about the "why not" why didn't I say anything. I think I still feel like I'm giving up some form of power by revealing that secret. I also think I am a little embarrassed about being gay, maybe not ashamed of being gay but more embarrassed by being different, by drawing attention to my sexuality and who I date, no matter how small that attention would be. It's a little annoying as well, that I would even have to have a conversation about my sexual preference but I feel some of my friends here are thinking about setting me up with someone. I don't want to be put into that awkward moment. I have a feeling when I finally do tell people, they are going to say they already suspected that I was. At least this time I didn't feel like crying so I guess that's progress lol.

Indifference earned.

Relationships, just the average ordinary person to person relationship, a friendship, dating relationship or family, I think the worst thing to happen to that type of relationship is not hate but indifference. Hate between former friends or family members, sometimes really means that they are hurt or angry and those emotions block the real desire to be united. I don't think people invest time in a pointless relationship, I think many are looking for something, hoping for something. I remember one of my friends always saying how much she hated her father. He was a selfish person and left his family to run off and have fun, eventually starting a whole new family to replace the first bunch. I always felt when she would be ranting about what a loser he was, she was really saying that he hurt her by leaving (rejecting) her and the rest of the family. Her brother on the other hand I knew actually didn't care about the father, he had no interest or reaction to any news about him. I knew I was right when my friend's father passed away, she was going on and on about not caring what happened to him and didn't want to hear people expressing sympathy. I said that I was sorry he wasn't the father that she wanted, that she deserved. She went completely quiet, a little stunned I think that I said what she has always been thinking. She cried a little and thanked me. .............................................. When it comes to friendships I am pretty easy going about how people choose to live their life. As long as you are not harming someone, I don't judge. One thing which immediately changes my view of a person, is finding out I can't trust them. If someone lies about something major when there was no reason to lie, or does something really negative towards me, that makes me see them like stranger, someone to be cautious around. It may sound weird but I see them as a stranger that was disguised as a friend. It's like thinking "I thought you were (this) person but you're someone else". I don't like drama so there is no big argument, I just ghost them (disappear). Having someone like that around, is like standing on a rotting floor, I feel they are unstable. Recently I discovered that a friend of mine was not being honest with me, I was a bit surprised and at the same time deep down not surprised. The strange thing, there was no need for deception, I don't get it. Now I couldn't be bothered with him, to me it was a little creepy, there is no mending this fence. Only for cleaning up emails, I rarely think about him, I am not upset, I don't feel anything, sometimes it's almost a relief not to have to go out of my way to visit and I think this is probably a healthy way to end relationships. Congratulations sir, you have my complete indifference.

Wolf Serenade.

Sunday was a perfect day for putting up the Christmas lights, rain and warm weather stopped me from completing the task last week. Sunday however was the right moment, it was cold out but calm, no biting wind and to top it off, a gentle snow fall started in the evening. I started at dusk, I had some ideas that I wanted to try (none of which worked out) and as usual I unknowingly start to sing Christmas songs while doing it. Usually when taking them out of the boxes I am singing Oh Christmas tree but that gets old fast since I don't know the words. Once I start to get the first strings up, the soft lights on the fresh snow make me switch to something more spiritual, like Come all ye faithful or Joy to the world. .................................................. As darkness fell I was going up and down my ladder, happy in my little Christmas task, singing to myself when I realized I was picking up the sound of something else. I will remind you I live in the country, as in the real country. It was a wolf, I am not sure if he heard me or was watching me from a distance. He was doing a barking type howling, a little like when coyotes do that yapping howl only a lot more powerful. There was still some light out and the wolf was a good distance away so I didn't think about it much. All went quiet and I continued on forgetting about it. It got very dark out, pitch black because the clouds blocked any light. As I was getting closer to the end of my task, I heard something that made the caveman in me want to run up the ladder. In the darkness the wolf had crept much closer, he let loose with a full on mournful howl, the kind of blood chilling howl, that if I was watching a movie, a werewolf usually jumps out to attack the villagers. They are very clever like that, darkness and heavy fog make them braver. He was howling and alarm barking, clearly it was annoyed with me. Not the sound track for Christmas tree decorating that I wanted, it was close and I couldn't see a thing beyond the halo of the Christmas lights. I found it a little ironic because last night I was watching, "A Nightmare Before Christmas" and I thought this was a perfect way to set the mood for a movie like that. I was mostly finished with what I wanted to do so I decided to head in for the night. I am not sure how to feel, a little spooked or insulted, maybe it didn't like my bright lights invading the cover of darkness or worse, maybe his howling was a comment on my singing.

Outcast, of the Outcasts.

I have always been a loner, it's not something I worked towards, it's just who I have always been. I have never had a best friend, even people who thought they were close to me, probably only knew about one third of who I am. Dating Dan was probably the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I always thought my being solitary was because I am gay, that my sexuality was a barrier to me fitting in with the rest of the herd. Yesterday while chopping wood (doesn't that sound manly) I came to the realization that I am disconnected from other people, not because I'm gay but because that is just my weird and quirky personality. Even when I meet other gay people, I don't connect with them. I had thought at one time, once I met other gay folks, everything would fall into place for me and I would be accepted into the gay fold. It made me laugh a little to think about being an outcast (so to speak) even amongst a group that used to be outcasts, typical for me.

Light, Lights, SHINE!

Banishing the darkness, there could be many interpretations to that phrase, darkness in your life, in your head or in general. Today however it is simpler, darkness as in darkness, as in it's dark by 4:30 around here these days, especially on a cloudy day, it can feel like a never ending night. I think I will put up the Christmas lights today, a little brightness, a little cheer to help keep the gloomy crazies away. The old folks were a lot more clever than we gave them credit for, science is now saying they may have realized the importance of light vs mental health problems. Really Einstein, do you think? It's no coincidence that almost every culture has a holy day or festival of lights during the darkest days of the year. ............................................. Today is unusually warm, easier to move my fingers than ten below freezing, so it's a go for me. Need to trim the Christmas bush down so I don't have too much work, I just want some light and not to send runway signals to jets overhead. Everybody sing, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, hum hum hum dum do dee, sorry I don't remember any other words after "oh Christmas tree".

I'm not staff! I'm not staff!

I am not staff, I am not staff, I am not staff, I am not staff! Then why is it that I am about to drive 30 minutes to a store to buy cat food? I can't help it, the youngest is controlling me by using her super powers of cuteness. There is no resistance, she rolls over upside down onto my feet, then makes this adorably little sound, "me-ewe, me-ewe" which clearly means, "I love you daddy", and probably also go buy me cat food but not the cheap stuff.