Smile

I am not perfectly comfortable with being gay but from my understanding, most gay people are not and it is a constant process. Emailing a blog friend made me realize something. I'm in a much better place now and it came suddenly from where I was before. I can rent a gay movie, buy a book about gay issues and go into gay places of business, without having that panicked feeling. I don't look over my shoulder, feel that I'm being watched or have moments where I felt I did something terrible wrong. I don't expect to wake up the next morning and read in the news paper about how I was spotted buying a gay magazine or entering a gay bar. There is no more fear of a TV reporter running up to me and announcing to the entire world that I am gay. I still do have a slight uneasiness and can give a little catch in my breath from time to time when doing something in public regarding being gay but mostly that is gone in minutes, I no longer go home and worry all night if someone saw me. Now at times I even grin to myself at the thought of someone seeing me who does not know yet and other times I just think "I don't have time for this, it is none of their business". I remember always being angry at the gay people who said the more you come out, the more freedom you will have. I used to think they just did not understand me, I wanted just one person to give me all kinds of good reasons not to come out. I understand now that it is true what gay people have been saying, of course you have to pick the right people and the right moment but coming out at least in some form is better than hiding. I did not think gay people understood me when saying to come out, I just did not stop to realize that they were speaking from experience after seeing both sides and they knew which life was better. Thinking back to that guy and seeing where I am now makes me smile, when things don't seem to be going gaily forward, I just need to look back two years and think "wow how did I make it here".

Slightly gay

Hello my name is Steven and I'm slightly gay, a tiny bit gay, not big on chicks, into guys actually, okay I'm totally gay. Sometimes I wonder if I am being true to myself, I don't want people that I meet for the first time to know I am gay. I still feel that is giving up a personal part of myself and also a loss of power over any first impression. I feel I'm wrong in that way of thinking, it is like a part of me is still ashamed of being gay but I feel that it would be better for them to get to know me first, that way there is no preconceived notion as to who I am. Straight people don't have to worry about that but am I wrong or is it just part of a gay man learning to fit into today's world. If someone knows me, who I am and what I am about, suddenly rejected me because I'm gay, then I would think there is not much I can do about that, however I want the chance to present who Steven is before they would judge. I also think it would help people learn that gay people are for the most part, just like them.

I am pretty lucky so far with my coming out, I have not had any really bad experiences as of yet. Canadians have more of an open mind or a 'live and let live' motto, they might not like something but will mostly only complain behind closed doors. I did feel it however, I suddenly felt the stares while at a function, that is how I knew one of my friends spilled the beans. Some of the people there that I knew were a bit distant, I noticed them staring me up and down while talking as if meeting me for the first time. It clicked in my head as to how they would know and the mystery was solved. Still I did not like the feeling of being perceived as a stranger. I also never want to over hear someone say "oh that is because he is gay". I once worked for a woman who was lesbian and any time people were upset with her, they would always say things like that.

I know that it would be odd of me to say "hi I'm Steve and I would like to be your gay friend" my problem has more to do with a feeling of "awe you told them already" and that is the part I wonder if I should work on. Do I not want them to know because I am still ashamed that I'm gay, or is it just that I want them to get to know 'Steven' first and not have my being gay the elephant standing in the room. I still want people to think "that is my friend Steve, who also happens to be gay" and not "there is a gay guy named Steve" as being gay in some ways is a small part of who I am. I think Dave handles it well, he just does not say either way at first and feels out a situation. Then over time he will just calmly drop hints here and there, eventually people will figure it out.

Conveniently Devout

Last week I happened to be flipping through the channels when I heard a comment about homosexuals. I stopped to listen and it was an interview with a devoutly christian man. I should have known better than to listen but I did. He was saying how as a collage dean he often finds himself in hot water over his views about gays. He said that Canada has become perverse and is condoning perversion because it has accepted gay marriage. He went on to brag about how he is fighting to 'save' marriage, he said he is doing it because he "knows" it is the truth because the word of the bible is the truth and he lives exactly by the bible. According to him gay people should live celibate lives and focus all their desires on God I assume.

I think it must be sickening for non christians to have to hear about these people always trying to interfere in their lives because it is bad enough for gay christians to have to listen to this. After running on at the mouth about how he is the crusader of marriage, he goes on to say he understands marriage better than anyone because he was married twice. His excuse for the second marriage was that during his first one, he had not met Jesus yet so he did not know how to treat his wife.

This is the hypocritical bull that just drives me crazy. If he lives "by the word" (for the non christian readers), Jesus forbids a second marriage... EVER! Only if one spouse dies. He said we can divorce but we can not remarry because God joined the two people together and no man can undo that. He went on to say that if a man remarries (like this minister), he is still married to his first wife, so he is committing adultery, LIKE THIS HOLIER THAN THOU MINISTER IS with his second wife! Example: Luke 18 Any man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery; and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. I can understand the minister getting married young and making a mistake, but if I have to live by the word, then he has to live by the word. He has to leave this woman he is bedding now and go back and try to make his first real marriage work. If his first wife will not take him back, there is no problem, whenever he is lonely, he should find comfort in God and pray like I am suppose to. When he has desires, he should place all his energy towards God, because is that not what he expects gay people to do? Why do all these back woods, red necks always live by "do as I say, not as I do." They are just using the bible to support the last acceptable form of bigotry. When it comes to gay people we are expected to take the bible word for word, but when it comes to straight people, well then it is quite acceptable to play with the interpretations. Instead of doing what he says, I think all gay people should follow his example and search out the one person that makes you happy and be with them, besides.... that book says the earth has four corners... I think we can make at least some updates!

Not quite there yet

There are times when I read a blog that will state being gay is not that big of a deal anymore. I will also read that most people will accept us or say nothing even if they have a problem with gay people. I really am rubbed the wrong way when it is on a straight blog or in an article that states we have everything straight people have and should stop complaining. I find however it only takes a moment of shopping to have cold water thrown on me as to how much I am 'not' a part of society. Just trying to get a card to give to Dave for our one year anniversary is a feat in itself. I went to two different stores and I quickly saw that I am not even on the customer radar screen. All the cards are geared towards a woman giving her man a card. They all say from wife or girlfriend to man, if they don't say it, then there is a picture of a woman on it. Why not have neutral cards with just happy anniversary. Same with a romantic gift, there is always an indication of man to woman or woman to man. The thing that frustrates me is if I go to a gay store, then everything has a pornographic tone to it and sometimes the moment is just suppose to be romantic. The same goes for any hotel package, trip etc. You never see a gay couple represented in any type of advertising unless in a gay setting. Still to this day if there is a gay couple in an ad, they are there for a laugh. I know some people will say lighten up it is only a joke. I just say back, would we laugh if the commercial used people of a minority race or religion as a stereotypical joke? I don't think so, I think most people would be uncomfortable with an ad like that. Some times I think we surround ourselves with people who support us and that can make us forget the real world, I just want to see a gay wal-mart or sears ad, do that and they would have my business over any other stores. However please don't make your company out to be a hero for doing it, that is like saying "look how good we are for doing what we should have been doing all along".

Today a friend let me down a little with her slip of ignorance. She was stepping around a question until I realised what she was trying to ask me. I said to her "are you trying to ask which one of us is the wife in this relationship!" I told her it does not work that way, maybe some relationships are kind of like that but from the people I know of, I can only think of two. I told her both Dave and I want a man, a husband not a wife. If I wanted a woman I would date a woman. She then went on to ask if I would take her to a gay bar for the experience, great I thought now we have become an 'experience', one where she could go and tell people about how open minded she is and how daring to venture into a gay bar. I explained they are the same as straight bars, a group of guys and girls dancing as friends only every now and then she may see two girls or two guys kissing, that even depends on the bar too. I was also disappointed in the amount of people that she told, I knew that she would be the friend to spill the beans but I had hoped I would not become the "did you hear about" news story in her circle of friends. Sometimes people can be such cliches sadly.

Two Faces of Steve

One year ago today I met Dave in person for the first time. I would enter a new world for myself after that meeting, a world where I was suppose to be. Dave was good, he knew how to handle someone unsure about how to come out and meet people. We had spoke on the phone and emailed up to this point, one day he just called and asked to go for coffee and said that after we could go to a gay bar. It was the best way to handle me, other wise I would have run going to a gay bar through my brain until the point of sweating like a rain shower. This way it would be easier to go in together after meeting at the coffee shop first. I did however really want to go to a gay bar by then.

We are going to celebrate our one year meeting on Sunday and slightly recreate our first date. However before I bore you with mush, I just want to be honest and say that it is not perfect, there are still problems. Some days I am not sure what is going to happen to us in the future and some days I can't see myself without him. I know for now however I really love the guy so we will keep moving forward with this relationship but sometimes I am wondering if I am settling. There is a lot I wish I could say here but out of respect I can't any more, Dave being someone that I care about, does not need to have his/our private lives put out on the net, it just would not be fair to him. I certainly have changed in my thinking lately and not in a good way, I think people would be shocked to know what I almost did. I don't feel that this blog is about my thoughts anymore, more like what I think people want to read and if I can't be honest in my thinking here, then what is the point of blogging. I will be celebrating with Dave but there is a whole other side that I leave out from here and I think that is just phony of me. It just became easier to write about the sunshine and roses stuff, that is why I think I am going to take a break from blog writing for a while, maybe a week or so.

Unbelievable

Here in Canada we had a tragic story unfold of a young twelve year old girl go missing, later her body was found and the search for a killer started. To every one's horror, it turned out to be her mother. It seems the mother's boyfriend told her to either get rid of the kid or he would leave. Any good mother would have held the door open for him and given him an extra boot on his way out. Instead this vile woman took her pretty little girl out into the country, pinned her down and strangled her with twine while she begged for her life. She then pulled down the girl pants to make it look like a rape and left her body in the ditch.

Here is where something like this ties into a gay blog. Many times straight people say that gay relationships are not valid or equal to their relationships because we can not procreate. I get so tired of that statement, not only because not all straight couples can have children but because it is no great feat to get pregnant. It is not some mystery of the heavens that God only divulged to straight people, it is not some grand formula that took years of study. It is more like tab 'A' is inserted into slot 'B' and then roll over and sleep for the rest of the night. As with the above story and many others like it, I think it shows that any boob can get knocked up, there is no great wonder here. If this lady had escaped prosecution and then married her boyfriend, does this make her relationship more valid than any gay couple?

There other statement thrown at us is, gay people should not adopt because they would not make good parents, the kids would grow up gay or confused. Never mind that almost all gay people were raised by straight people and that did not change us, lets just stick to the facts. The facts are that everyone should be judged as a person not as a group, yes there are gay people who should never be parents just like there are straight people who should never be parents. Would most parents not die for their child if they had too, the judge even said that from this day on, she has lost the right to call herself a mother. The statement that often gets me the most is some people say that even if the mother is neglectful, a child would be better off left with her than to be adopted by a gay couple, at this point I would like to remind those people of the above story, lying in the snow dying, I am sure that little girl would rather been with parents who loved her completely, either gay or straight.