David Is Evil Eeeevil

That is David and not 'my Dave', well actually David is not evil but a really nice guy (bit nerdy haha) but I am in a silly mood and this title will show up on his site so it is sort of a blogger inside joke. Careful 'YOU' could be next, well that is if you have a site feed blah blah blah. Speaking of silly, if you are a fellow blogger, do you have a post that generates a lot of traffic from search engines, and maybe for strange or wrong reasons. If you have a tracker have you noticed a post that seems to come up often. My strange one with a lot of hits has to be this post Men's Underwear the searches have to do with the fact it was about teen boys camping and being in their underwear. Yes I know it is perverted but it is true, I get the most google searches leading to this post. In fact at this moment just by writing 'teen boys camping while in their underwear' I will probably start to get all kinds of hits for this post as well. If any of you came to this post because of that search, well then go get help you frigging perverts! Oh yes and I am telling your bishops on you as well! May I just add that there is nothing wrong with hot men in their underwear, in fact if you are hot and want to send me a picture of yourself in your unde... well you know the rest. Just not you Birdie and Java, I am still confused (and frightened) by most of women's underwear, ummm maybe I better add Cincy Diva in there too! The strangest search that brought someone to this post went something like 'my wife and mother wrestle in their underwear" okay so I never want to meet that person!

That's all folks, hope everyone has a nice weekend. By the way, it has rained here everyday for almost two weeks now, if I start to see animals coming two by two, then I know we really need to worry.

Say Its Not So

Not this again. I was about to post a silly blog as I was in a silly mood until I happened to check out Birdie's site. However the wind was completely knocked out of my sails by what I read. It seems that one of my favourite blogs Cooper's Corridor then later Nico's Niche is a total fraud! There is no 'Cooper', it was a 52 year old woman who was stealing other blog writers posts. I commented on Birdie's site that to me it almost feels as if Cooper and the boys were killed and are no longer with us. I am just so saddened (plus really f***ing shocked) that something so beautiful turned out to be false. Not this again, when I first started reading blogs I was tricked into believing the blog about the gay man who was dying of cancer, I was feeling down for almost a week when he supposedly died, then it turned out to be totally fake. I am really questioning who is for real and who is not, and what about the blogger he was dating for a while, was that a second blog by the same lady or someone in on the joke, helping to trick us. You can read more on this at Birdie's site as she has links. If there is really a 'Birdie', I mean crap who knows anymore! O_O (Kidding Birdie)

I did often wonder how such a young man was able to adopt two boys as it is hard even for couples to get children in Canada. I guess that is why you never saw a picture of him with the boys together. From what I can understand the boys were real but were her grandchildren, but then again can we believe that. Who was the handsome young man in the picture I wonder. I can't help feel so betrayed, I am thankful I never really connected to this blogger, it would have hurt too much to find out the truth. The only blog writers I trust at the moment are the guys I have actually talked to. I kept telling two of my close blog buddies that my tracker is picking up something funny, some of the different bloggers who visit my site, have the same IP address.

I have to say if by chance the 'Cooper' person reads this post, it is okay sweetheart, I don't wish any bad thoughts towards you, I think you needed something from us and I don't know the reasons why you choose to go about it in such a dishonest way but you did give me many smiles over these months and there were days when you lifted my spirits, so I honestly hope you find what ever healing you need to be completely well, as I think there is some sort of decent person hiding in there. Just don't do this again please, as you have slightly damaged my faith in people.

All Thumbs But Green

Okay enough of the drama for a bit, I want to bring some colour into this blog. I will talk about what is going on but later, I can't believe this, I certainly did not want to have drama on my blog but since this is a gay blog, about my new experiences, I guess the honest thing to do would be to write about them. For now however I will be like most people and avoid my problems, woohoo! I am all thumbs when it comes to most things but I do have a green thumb. Not an exciting hobby to most but I find it really relaxes me. I like to grow almost anything, I guess it is the connection to nature or maybe the ex-farm-boy in me I am not sure but I am not bad at it either. I also have a knack with animals, give me any sickly plant or animal and I have a gift to nurture it back to health. The joke between my parents in my younger days was not, give Steve a pet and he will lose interest, but give Steve a pet and watch Noah's ark form. I am in an apartment so not much space for me to grow crops but I do have a small balcony. These are some pics of my babies, I have managed to squeeze on there tomatoes, red and orange peppers, onions, impatiens, cosmos, coleus and tons of petunias. Some are not just plants to me but part of family history, some plants have sentimental meaning handed down from cuttings and seeds, sappy I know but hey I'm gay remember!

The darker coleus has been handed down through cuttings from my maternal grandmother, she is gone now almost twenty years, as are the seeds from most of the petunias. The lighter coleus came from my mother and the cosmos from my sister. My all time favourite plant is the petunia, I have the re-seeding kind passed down through family, some I bought and also the wave kind. Petunias are tough, just add water and grow, most of all I love in the evening as the temperature cools, my apartment fills with their sweet smell and it gives me an 'ahhhhhh' feeling. Okay so not as exciting as rock climbing but this is me!

Dark Skies Ahead

While out in the country visiting the folks, these ominous looking storm clouds came rolling in. It was dead silence as they quickly over took the blue sky, however we could hear the wind that was roaring towards us in the distance. These clouds made me think of my relationship with Dave, at first blue skies, then with sudden darkness over taking our relationship, and I know that a storm is heading our way but there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I know it is not fair to make a statement like that here and not go into details, I guess I just need to vent that my heart is breaking for what I think is coming and I don't really have anywhere else but here to say it. Things have actually been going pretty good for the last week, Dave is again almost back to his normal self. However a problem keeps coming up over and over that he does not want to deal with and some days I look at him and only see a really good friend... not my boyfriend, in those seconds I have to catch my breath and turn away from him, so that he does not see it on my face. He is causing me to lose that special connection I felt for him, one day I am afraid that I will wake up and it will be gone. Dark skies looming ahead and the storm is inside.

Braking For Time

Time, I would like to slam on the brakes of time, why does it seem to spin faster and faster. Driving to my parents in the final days of June I had one of those memory moments. Passing through local towns with that spring smell, the smell that signals the last days of school and you can't help being carried back to those times. Starting to realize you are becoming an adult, the places where you hang out, going swimming with friends, parties, final school dances, getting through exams. You are at the beginning of your adult life and sadly most are too young to understand the full excitement of it. Where did all those people go, most moved away, some married, had children and sadly some left us all too early. In my mind all these people are still teenagers, frozen in their school age image, until I bump into one of them and see the results of time on their faces. I snap back to the present and I am a man dreaming of those past days, on his way to see his parents, two people who are elderly now, how did that happen. I miss those days but time spins on, hmmm end of June, it is the middle of July already, please time slow down.

I was invited to a back yard party with Dave last week, no wait it was the week before, how did it go by so fast, please time slow down. There were mostly people our age, a few older and younger as well. They had great food, dancing and everyone had a nice time. However as the clock began to tick towards nine, everyone began to say good bye. People packed up their belongings and loaded their cars. It was not even dark yet and there were to be fireworks later plus more food, at one time we would have stayed until at least midnight. However now there are too many commitments, some had to get up and work the next day, some had left the kids at home with a baby sitter and some said they need to be in bed by ten or the next day would be shot. There were some people who planned on staying but then felt odd about it and so decided to leave as well. Dave was getting sleepy as he is an early riser and so we also left. I couldn't help comment on the way home, when did this happen, when did we get old. Please time slow down, everything is changing so fast now, that you are making me dizzy. I can't help think how hard it must have been for my Grand Parents, time changed but also the world changed from when they were little, no electricity or running water to DVD players and computers. No wonder my last Grandparent, my Grandmother said that she was not bothered if her time came soon, she did not want to live much longer because everyone she knew had passed away and she felt alone, saying when she died, then she could rejoin them in Heaven. Granny was over a hundred and passed away a few months after this statement, alert and active until the very day.

I feel sorry for the cool hippies from the sixties who talk about colouring their gray hair, about taking viagra and wearing depends. I feel sorry for me and my friends, we see that is coming for us one day. How long has it been since Madonna released her first album, ten years, no wait it is.... crap that long! When did the Breakfast Club become one of those movies people scoff at. How long has it been since Ghost Busters! My friend's little boy that I used to babysit from time to time, has his birthday coming up, wow how old will he be now... maybe 13... no wait yikes 14... what's that... turning twenty! I need to lie down, what happened to the Ninja Turtles, Lego and his Wrestling men! Oh I see they were replaced with a Mustang and a cute girl that giggles way too much.

Please time slow down you are spinning way too fast and you have me confused as to whether I have come a long way, or I have wasted so much of you... that I am still in the same place as that boy who walked out of High school for the last time, so many years ago.

Slightly Dented

Since Dave is on holidays at the moment we have more opportunity to be together. However I did not feel welcomed to go over and visit, so I stayed away until Tuesday. It was awkward being around him again, he seemed more his normal self than the cold way he had been acting these past few days. I kept waiting for him to apologize for his behaviour, he never did. Later that evening I figure we needed to have the 'talk', I told him everything, the way I felt, how his behaviour startled me, how he seemed like a totally different person, how I wondered what he will do in a major crisis. He seemed almost surprised, he had been so wrapped up (still) in his problem, (and it is a minor problem) that he had not noticed anything wrong between us. He said he thought later it was probably wrong of him to act that way, he said that he is not trying to make excuses but the red tape (red tape he caused by not following rules) he was put through made him snap. We talked in circles about it until he said he was done talking about it, I pointed out that he never once apologized, he fell silent and was a bit red in the face. It would have been better if he was angry with me for no reason, what hurt the most was that he was indifferent to me, he could have cared less for days if I was around or not, please no one try to sugar coat this, he even admitted this in our conversation.

I can't help also feel that I would not be able to rely on him in a time of crisis, he shows no diplomacy, from what he has told me, he is the type of person that goes into a store and starts to yell and swear at the manager. That to me is the dumbest thing a person can do, no one is going to help you if you are acting like an idiot, what is the point of trying to scream that you are right if you never get the results you want. Dave did say that he is never violent towards another person physically, he said it is not in his nature and has never hit someone in his life, he felt awful when I said I was uncomfortable during the tantrum. He promised to try and be more careful in how he relates to me when he is upset about something. He asked if that was why I had not come over the last few days, he was embarrassed when I said I did not feel welcomed anymore.

To be fair to people who read this blog, there has been another problem that keeps coming up between us as well, I thought we could work through it but he just shuts down when ever I try to talk to him about it. That is the reason I was so panicked over this issue, past behaviour shows he is not willing to deal with any major problem so I want people to understand this is not the first problem to come up and I suddenly fell to pieces and could not deal with it. For now we have placed our cards on the table, it is pretty much back to the way it was before. He asked me the next day "are we good" I told him we are okay but that the relationship was slightly damaged over this I felt. I then told him about the email, he just laughed, I asked him since we already discussed the issue to delete it, I said however if he does read it and is hurt by it... then tough!

"Beginning of the end", when I wrote that post I did not mean it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, I am not that dramatic to suddenly call it quits, sorry to have startled people. What I meant was if there should be an ending, I foresee how it could happen... I see the path that may lead us there and no matter what I do to stay off of it, 'he' may force me onto that path. If every time there is a problem, he shuts me out and there is no working through it, there is no way a relationship can keep going on like that before it falls apart, if a relationship becomes constant 'work' there is a problem, to me my partner should be someone I go to in time of crisis... not become the cause of it.

Oh F..lub!

Well I had planed on talking to Dave about the blow up, now however I have forced my hand. I have been emailing back and forth with one of my blog buddies (lets call him John) about the situation. John asked how things were going so I sent him an email saying how hurt I felt, saying how Dave came across as if he only cared about the project and no longer cared about me, and about how cold he had been acting the last few days. I also said I felt as if I had been tricked, that Dave was not who he pretends to be and that I did not like the person he was at the moment. I piled a lot more onto my buddy's shoulder, so as to whine about it and hope for an email pat on the back in return. I hit the send tab and the email message came up "email sent to Dave"!

What! What! What! No! No! That can't be! I checked the sent messages and sure enough I sent the email to the wrong email address! Ooooooh fffffflluuub! I guess I am so used to sending emails to Dave that I did it without thinking! Now red faced I have to go to him and quickly have the talk and then tell him about the email, ahhhhh crack whore! I just wanted to vent a little, now I created more drama, I HATE drama! Ugh it was better when I was single I think at times.

Beginning Of The End.

We do have our off moments, Dave and I that is, every couple I am sure has them. Although we have never had an argument, we have had disagreements but only minor ones however. Mostly out of respect for Dave I have not mentioned our downs, but that would not be totally honest, it was great at the beginning and I often worried he had hidden problems, I kept thinking why is this great man single. Our strife comes not in fights but more during times when Dave pushes me away, it seems to be getting more and more often these days and it is usually triggered by something else going on in his life.
Tonight however I saw a side of him that I was not aware of. It had nothing to do with me, it was over a project of his that went wrong for him. He became uncontrollably angry, he is a large man and I actually became afraid of him at one point, I don't think anyone should ever have to be afraid, truly afraid of the one you are suppose to love. I tried to calm him down but he did not hear me, or more like 'would' not hear me. I felt as if I had done something wrong, it was like being a child again and my father was absolutely livid with me. The rest of the evening he shut me out, I did not exist, I was not there for him. I don't understand this kind of attitude, I think it immature and no matter how awful my day was going, I would not treat someone that I loved so badly. I felt sick inside and also was walking on egg shells, finally I thought to myself, I will not allow him to treat me like this any longer, his cold stares towards me or blank looks towards the wall were too much drama for me to handle so I left. Dave lives far from me, so my leaving shortly after just getting there will send a message. I just could not see staying and being made to feel as if 'I' had done something terrible to him. I can't talk to him when he is like this, he only shuts down but the thing that made me take a step back was the degree to which he became angry, I guess he had been keeping that secret from me. I know this is not a one time thing because I at one time did not understand what his brother-in-law meant when he asked me "have you seen his temper yet?" I wonder what will happen if he should become angry with me at some point later on in our relationship. The odd evenings of shutting me out have been building over the last few weeks, I would ask myself, 'did I do something wrong', 'is he losing interest in me', 'why did he ask me over just to ignore me'. My insides are torn because as much as I love this guy, I feel I may have caught a glimpse of the beginning of the end for us.