Mankind is a funny creature, we like to think we are so far above everything else but I really wonder about that perception. This week two news stories really contrast each other in a very interesting way. First is the story about the 'lost tribe' in the jungles of Brazil. It is possible they are saying that these people have never had contact with the out side world. First I have to rant about the 'lost' title, I don't think they are lost, they are probably exactly where they want to be I would assume. Just because they are not mindlessly watching TV in between shopping at Wal-Mart and eating fatty fast food does not make them lost. I feel sorry for them now, imagine all the people who want to go and try to change their way of living, from the pressure of getting money to converting them to the latest religion. Maybe they have had contact with us at one time, said "no thanks" and keep moving away to not be in contact with us! Could you blame them, the first thing modern man would do is make them lose their ability to fend for themselves, then because they are not educated, people would stick them in a slum somewhere, not sure how that is a better way of life.
It is interesting to think of a tribe of people who are living the same way they have for thousands of years, that nothing has changed much for them from the days when people lived in caves. It is shocking to us in the western countries to think in this day with computers and cell phones that there could be people like this. We automatically think that we are better than them, that they are somehow less than us, almost like an animal, but are we really better. We think they would be so lost in our world, however how long do you think one of us would last if dropped into the jungle with no tools of any sort. This brings me to the second story and that is of the probe that just landed on Mars. We see the pictures traveling back through space of another planet and when you think about it, that is quite an awesome feat. To send a small ship through space, at a distance that we can't wrap our minds around, to land on a strange planet while being directed from here. Very breath taking to think in the last few years, man made objects have been flying through the skies of Mars where nothing from the beginning of time has ever moved before, other than dust from the wind. It shows what mankind can do when we put our collective heads together to create something wonderful. Think of the contrast between the group of people in the control room, the people who designed/built the probe, the math freaks who had it fly and land there without missing Mars by a million miles, compared to the people in the rain forest.
Back to my point about us thinking we are better than the people of the forest, yes we know it is wrong to think that way but deep down most of us would see ourselves as being above them, that is why there is this fascination with them and a need amongst some people to 'modernize' them. We would like to think of ourselves as having more in common with the people who sent the probe to Mars than the people in the forest, but do we really? As a society we like to think we are very advanced, even over our grandparents time but it has not come from evolving into a superior human over people like the tribe, we just have more knowledge collectively of how things work. However most of 'us' only have a very basic understanding and would be in trouble fast if required to use our knowledge. Imagine if suddenly a very deadly virus broke out, one so deadly like never before. Lets say extremely contagious and people died within a week, what if also it was so bad that only one person in hundred thousand survived. Now suddenly the living could not keep up with all the sick and dead, things would start to break down. People would have to leave the cities because of the bodies. Fires would start and without someone to stop them the cities would burn. Unless you were the correct type of engineer, could any of us keep power stations running, water treatment plants, hospitals, fuel refineries. No power means no computers for knowledge, no working appliances, fires mean loss of a lot of records. Once things settled and it could take years to recover, the world would be a very changed place, the people left would have to just concentrate on feeding themselves. How many of us know how to build an engine, a light bulb, create power or anything about medicine? Society would have completely fallen apart and we would be back to scratching out a living from the earth, so I ask you, how different, advanced, superior are we over the people in the forest, it is surprising to see, not as much as we would like to think.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Thousand Years.
A few days ago I was over at Dave's and we decided to go for an evening walk. We often walk or ride bikes after supper to burn off dessert. Dave lives in a small town just outside the city and so I find it is more relaxing and interesting to spend my days at his house. Small towns often hold onto their history better than cities, there is not that huge rush to build over the top of everything to make it bigger and so called better.
As we were walking down a dirt road, we were suddenly hit by the smell of lilacs, since there were no houses around I found that strange. When we found the source, I wanted to investigate. lilacs in the middle of no where often mean that there was a house in that spot once. They can be a marker of time, lilacs often grow and spread long after the person that planted them has passed, even for my family, the house is surrounded by the smell and beauty of them, the results of my long passed great grand parents planting them. As we came closer I saw long hedges of them and we discovered an old graveyard. The grave yard is a closed site now, taken care of by the township, almost like a museum piece, with the church and parishioners for it long gone into history. Stepping in almost gives a person that sense of the past. Some tomb stones were so old that the dates and inscriptions were worn off with time, others revealed the past lives. Some were young, babies, little children, or in their early twenties, and reading dates like 1817, 1885 or even 1904 made me think about the young people who never got to live a life. It also hit me that the great loss of those young people would now be forgotten, that the tragedy no longer exists to anyone. Other people had long lives but most passed away in the 1800's that we could see, the older stones no longer give up their stories.
I often stay away from places like this, I find the reality that it deals out can be too hard to carry. I am a person that sees time as measured, and I know what is coming for all of us. I am not the kind of person upon hearing of an elderly person's passing that thinks 'how did that happen, what went wrong' I always think to myself, 'oh that was how long their life was meant to be' and if they live into their 90s, I always think 'well done, that was a good run, you delayed death for a good life time'. I never say beat death because no one can beat it, to me only delay it. Looking at those stones reminds me of a quote I once heard, by who I am not sure but it went something like this, 'when you have been dead for a thousand years, you have only begun to be dead'. That is the heavy truth, we will not get to do this over, time will roll on with out us, we don't get a second chance. I would like to think we move on to someplace else but as far as this life, we will never walk the earth again. I couldn't help think that most of those people's lives ended long before even my grand parents were born. They did not get to do over any mistakes or complete unfinished business, their stories long forgotten and that is something we have to accept, in a thousand years everyone who reads this will be completely forgotten, you may become a date somewhere but unless you become a history shaker your life story will be erased by time.
Where am I going with this, it is my realisation this is why gay people have to accept who they are, find love, start the life they are suppose to live. You only have one shot at this so why worry about what friends or the little old lady down the street might say about you being gay, to the point of missing out on your life. Everyone could take a message from this, gay or straight, why waste your life but as a gay man writing a gay oriented blog, I want to direct it towards other gay people, times are changing in our favour and it is for us to live our lives. One day this will all be gone and I would hate for someone to realize too late they missed out on their true life, as I almost did. I used to feel that way, that I missed out on my life but now that I found Dave it no longer crosses my mind. Now it just feels like I was waiting until I found the right person, also maybe waiting until I was ready for a relationship. I feel content with that because as of now, the one thing that can take the weight of a thousand years off my shoulders, is a smile from Dave.
As we were walking down a dirt road, we were suddenly hit by the smell of lilacs, since there were no houses around I found that strange. When we found the source, I wanted to investigate. lilacs in the middle of no where often mean that there was a house in that spot once. They can be a marker of time, lilacs often grow and spread long after the person that planted them has passed, even for my family, the house is surrounded by the smell and beauty of them, the results of my long passed great grand parents planting them. As we came closer I saw long hedges of them and we discovered an old graveyard. The grave yard is a closed site now, taken care of by the township, almost like a museum piece, with the church and parishioners for it long gone into history. Stepping in almost gives a person that sense of the past. Some tomb stones were so old that the dates and inscriptions were worn off with time, others revealed the past lives. Some were young, babies, little children, or in their early twenties, and reading dates like 1817, 1885 or even 1904 made me think about the young people who never got to live a life. It also hit me that the great loss of those young people would now be forgotten, that the tragedy no longer exists to anyone. Other people had long lives but most passed away in the 1800's that we could see, the older stones no longer give up their stories.
I often stay away from places like this, I find the reality that it deals out can be too hard to carry. I am a person that sees time as measured, and I know what is coming for all of us. I am not the kind of person upon hearing of an elderly person's passing that thinks 'how did that happen, what went wrong' I always think to myself, 'oh that was how long their life was meant to be' and if they live into their 90s, I always think 'well done, that was a good run, you delayed death for a good life time'. I never say beat death because no one can beat it, to me only delay it. Looking at those stones reminds me of a quote I once heard, by who I am not sure but it went something like this, 'when you have been dead for a thousand years, you have only begun to be dead'. That is the heavy truth, we will not get to do this over, time will roll on with out us, we don't get a second chance. I would like to think we move on to someplace else but as far as this life, we will never walk the earth again. I couldn't help think that most of those people's lives ended long before even my grand parents were born. They did not get to do over any mistakes or complete unfinished business, their stories long forgotten and that is something we have to accept, in a thousand years everyone who reads this will be completely forgotten, you may become a date somewhere but unless you become a history shaker your life story will be erased by time.
Where am I going with this, it is my realisation this is why gay people have to accept who they are, find love, start the life they are suppose to live. You only have one shot at this so why worry about what friends or the little old lady down the street might say about you being gay, to the point of missing out on your life. Everyone could take a message from this, gay or straight, why waste your life but as a gay man writing a gay oriented blog, I want to direct it towards other gay people, times are changing in our favour and it is for us to live our lives. One day this will all be gone and I would hate for someone to realize too late they missed out on their true life, as I almost did. I used to feel that way, that I missed out on my life but now that I found Dave it no longer crosses my mind. Now it just feels like I was waiting until I found the right person, also maybe waiting until I was ready for a relationship. I feel content with that because as of now, the one thing that can take the weight of a thousand years off my shoulders, is a smile from Dave.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Whaa Shhhhock!
On the lighter side of life, I often mention that I don't watch a lot of TV but I do like music etc and so I will watch American Idol some years. Last year I did not really care for many of the singers so I did not watch, however this year I found there to be a lot of good singers and became hooked. Now then, so where any of you as shocked as I was last night with the results? Actually I said a very bad word at the time and then clapped like crazy! I mean both Davids were great and I was quite happy that they both made it to the final two but I thought for sure little David would win. David Cook is more of the type of singer I like and there would be a greater chance of me buying one of his Cds in future than me buying one of David Archuleta's, that being said I want to say I could hear that he was an excellent singer, just not my style. I was kind of hoping that Cook would win but after seeing the final, Archuleta seemed to have that hunger and so I was prepared to see him win, plus I thought he performed really really well and deserved to win. Archuleta fits in with the idol image, he is sappy sweet and wholesome, beautiful singer, cute and so I figured he would be a better fit with all the teen girls and soccer moms. I thought unshaven Cook would scare them off from voting for him as being too much of a rebel. I did feel in past weeks he deserved to win as he often took greater chances and those chances often paid off, but there was still that boy next door quality to Archuleta so I figured Cook was toast. Imagine my shock when he beat little David by twelve million! Good for him! I can't help feeling sorry for Archuleta, I think being a kid the win would have a lot more meaning for him and Cook I felt would do well anyway. I also can't help feeling sorry that Archuleta lost this year but we all know he could easily beat a lot of the past bland winners. Just think, Sparks, Hicks, even screaming Fantasia would have fallen under the power house Archuleta in my opinion. Did any of you get the feeling that Simon knew Cook was going to win and that is why he suddenly did some major butt kissing just before the results, so as not to look so bad? Do you also feel that he may have given the "kiss of death" to Archuleta by being so flippant with Cook the night before? I thought it was probably one of the best duels ever, I never had that feeling that one might slip up and go off key like other years.
I don't know about you guys but I found the results show to be really lame, I think they could have easily wrapped it up in an hour. What was with all the old people who can't sing anymore, what was with the performances that were not as good as the two Davids, what was with trying to be funny and coming off flat. I did not enjoy the final and at the end I felt like I had wasted two hours, I could have spent my time doing something more interesting and came back near the end of the show just to see the results.
Now my final parting shot, Jason Castro, I think he seems like a nice kid and it takes a lot to make it onto that show but I feel he was a bit of the 'Sanjaya' factor. In my opinion, I often did not find him to be that good of a singer, maybe because of the hair people thought he was cooler than he actually was. I feel my point was made last night with the guys, group songs, he often could not hold up to the other guys when it was his turn, one of the reasons I feel he probably always sang slow sleepy songs. My opinion is that he should have went before Michael Johns, even Chikezie and David Hernandez I found were better singers. Hernandez I think was shot down from the stripper scandal, so much for giving people a second chance in life.
All in all I will be greatly surprised if we don't see and hear both David Cook and David Archuleta for many years to come, maybe not super stars but at least as big as some of the past performers that have done well for themselves, whether they won or lost.
I don't know about you guys but I found the results show to be really lame, I think they could have easily wrapped it up in an hour. What was with all the old people who can't sing anymore, what was with the performances that were not as good as the two Davids, what was with trying to be funny and coming off flat. I did not enjoy the final and at the end I felt like I had wasted two hours, I could have spent my time doing something more interesting and came back near the end of the show just to see the results.
Now my final parting shot, Jason Castro, I think he seems like a nice kid and it takes a lot to make it onto that show but I feel he was a bit of the 'Sanjaya' factor. In my opinion, I often did not find him to be that good of a singer, maybe because of the hair people thought he was cooler than he actually was. I feel my point was made last night with the guys, group songs, he often could not hold up to the other guys when it was his turn, one of the reasons I feel he probably always sang slow sleepy songs. My opinion is that he should have went before Michael Johns, even Chikezie and David Hernandez I found were better singers. Hernandez I think was shot down from the stripper scandal, so much for giving people a second chance in life.
All in all I will be greatly surprised if we don't see and hear both David Cook and David Archuleta for many years to come, maybe not super stars but at least as big as some of the past performers that have done well for themselves, whether they won or lost.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Pat On The Head
I guess there are days when I just need a pat on the head and to be told, "it is okay" that we all have the same thoughts from time to time and as usual you people were supportive. I was really amazed at the comments and emails I received for my "What Is Love" post, it cleared up a lot and let me focus on moving ahead. Dave and I are fine, still mushy sweet as ever. The fact is now I think in terms of being over there and just coming to my apartment to visit instead of being here and going there to visit, if you get my meaning. I have calmed down in this relationship and taken stock, I realize the more we are together the more we want to be together so I take that as a good sign. We are both very easy going and like to play around as if we were big kids. I think by both of us not taking every small detail too seriously it helps make the relationship strong. There are plenty enough things in life where we will have to be serious and we both have the belief of 'why create drama' where drama is not needed. It was the bonus to Dave's personality as I started to know him better, his sense of humour and playfulness. I knew he was decent and kind but his shyness kept the smarty pants in him hidden for a while so I was pleased when it started to come out (some days I wish it would go back in.. not really) and reveal the different layers to me of who he really is.
I met Dave's older sister and her family this weekend, what a nice person and family. I had heard a lot of good things about her and they all seem true. She made me feel the most welcome of all his family. It feels so good to have someone give you that silent message of "Dave is important to me, so you are automatically very important to me as well." Her whole family was like that, they talked to me like they had always known me. I found her personality to be the most like Dave's, she was easy going and slightly comical like him. I don't know about the rest of my gay readers, but personally I find it easier to meet strangers as a gay man, than people I know. Probably because I don't care about a strangers view of me versus someone I know, and also I suppose because I know most of the strangers I meet lately have already proven themselves by caring about Dave even though they already knew about him being gay.
On a side note, Dave finally convinced me to go on the back of his sport bike. Afterwards he teased me about being his biker bitch... ouch! I did enjoy it but a sport bike is not meant for passengers, I was in such an awkward position I think my knees were almost level with my ears and my hips were killing me after, however I did like wearing the 'Power Rangers' type of suit!
I met Dave's older sister and her family this weekend, what a nice person and family. I had heard a lot of good things about her and they all seem true. She made me feel the most welcome of all his family. It feels so good to have someone give you that silent message of "Dave is important to me, so you are automatically very important to me as well." Her whole family was like that, they talked to me like they had always known me. I found her personality to be the most like Dave's, she was easy going and slightly comical like him. I don't know about the rest of my gay readers, but personally I find it easier to meet strangers as a gay man, than people I know. Probably because I don't care about a strangers view of me versus someone I know, and also I suppose because I know most of the strangers I meet lately have already proven themselves by caring about Dave even though they already knew about him being gay.
On a side note, Dave finally convinced me to go on the back of his sport bike. Afterwards he teased me about being his biker bitch... ouch! I did enjoy it but a sport bike is not meant for passengers, I was in such an awkward position I think my knees were almost level with my ears and my hips were killing me after, however I did like wearing the 'Power Rangers' type of suit!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sometimes "I"
Sometimes I have a hidden dark side to my personality that scares me. I let myself go where I would completely judge another person if I heard they did the same thing.
Sometimes I do really stupid things, not by accident, I know already what I am about to do is stupid but continue to proceed anyway.
Sometimes I don't know the person inside anymore, he is not who I want to be and I dislike a part of me, almost as if there are two people living inside the same body.
Sometimes I get so careless from not paying attention that it gets to the point of being dangerous and I am ashamed of my own stupidity.
Sometimes I know what I should do to make my life better, yet put it off repeatedly, for no reason other than it is easier in the moment to do nothing. I often think about changing to become a better person, then follow the same routine and still expect results.
Sometimes I hurt people that I love, a test I think to see if they will still love me after.
Sometimes I can be so lazy that if anyone worked for me as such, I would fire them. I expect more from other people than of myself.
Sometimes I like when I hold some kind of power over a person, it can give me satisfaction when someone fears me.
Sometimes I feel like I am a bad person, that people don't really know me and that I do just enough good things to fool nearly everyone.
Sometimes I feel the person most out to ruin me, struggle against me and be a major threat to me... is me.
Sometimes I do really stupid things, not by accident, I know already what I am about to do is stupid but continue to proceed anyway.
Sometimes I don't know the person inside anymore, he is not who I want to be and I dislike a part of me, almost as if there are two people living inside the same body.
Sometimes I get so careless from not paying attention that it gets to the point of being dangerous and I am ashamed of my own stupidity.
Sometimes I know what I should do to make my life better, yet put it off repeatedly, for no reason other than it is easier in the moment to do nothing. I often think about changing to become a better person, then follow the same routine and still expect results.
Sometimes I hurt people that I love, a test I think to see if they will still love me after.
Sometimes I can be so lazy that if anyone worked for me as such, I would fire them. I expect more from other people than of myself.
Sometimes I like when I hold some kind of power over a person, it can give me satisfaction when someone fears me.
Sometimes I feel like I am a bad person, that people don't really know me and that I do just enough good things to fool nearly everyone.
Sometimes I feel the person most out to ruin me, struggle against me and be a major threat to me... is me.
Monday, May 12, 2008
What Is Love?
What is love? How do you know when you have found it, how do you know you have it for someone else? Lately this question circles around and around in my mind. I worry, do I love being in a relationship with Dave or the 'idea' of being in a relationship. This is new to me and most days I am not sure what I am feeling. I worry as in, do I love him enough, do I love him the right way. How do you know that you care for someone as a boyfriend and not just a really good friend. What is love, is there suppose to be fireworks or is it being excited on your way over to see him. Is love sitting on the couch watching a movie, just 'being' together and enjoying those moments or should there be more. I wonder is it good enough to just care for the other person. Should they feel like your best friend, or does that make them your best friend and not boyfriend?
Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I wonder if other couples have these questions when they first start dating, is this normal, do these thoughts stay with you. Have you ever felt that maybe the other person is more committed to the relationship, maybe committed is the wrong word, more like they have the stronger love which can make you feel as though you are not holding up your end of the relationship. I am unsure, I have nothing to compare this to. I want to treat Dave right and I want to be sure I am a full partner in this. When I am away from him I get stressed about us, when I am with him I often wonder what I was worried about. A friend of mine told me she thought I was getting cold feet from being in my first serious relationship. Is it possible, to meet my soul mate on first try? Did I luck out, did someone out there work the universe so that we would meet and be the perfect couple? What are the chances or is it that I am older and can tell a good person when I see one. Am I wise enough now to pick the right one and just skip all the "MR wrongs" or am I just kidding myself. Sometimes I don't feel that I give enough to this relationship, maybe that is too Hollywood, maybe we are just suppose to eat, laugh, sleep together and that is living, that is love, that is a relationship.
I always want to be honest with Dave and so we talked about where we are, where we are going with this relationship. I told him some of my fears, I told him I don't feel I am giving this my all. He made me relax by saying that he has the same fears as I do. He said that he felt I give my all and that he is not giving 100%. What is love, what does it mean for people. How do you know you are 'in love', maybe even do you know at the time if you are in love, real love that is and not a crush or worse, lust. If love is fireworks, honestly I don't have those. Is love having a huge smile on my face when I think of him, is it knowing the little things I do for him will make him so happy, and in return makes me happy, is it feeling that his family, friends and work are very important to me because these are important to him. Is love that I feel as if we always knew each other, is love that at times he feels more like family. How do 'you' define love, I don' t know I have never been in love before, I just want to do this right.
Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I wonder if other couples have these questions when they first start dating, is this normal, do these thoughts stay with you. Have you ever felt that maybe the other person is more committed to the relationship, maybe committed is the wrong word, more like they have the stronger love which can make you feel as though you are not holding up your end of the relationship. I am unsure, I have nothing to compare this to. I want to treat Dave right and I want to be sure I am a full partner in this. When I am away from him I get stressed about us, when I am with him I often wonder what I was worried about. A friend of mine told me she thought I was getting cold feet from being in my first serious relationship. Is it possible, to meet my soul mate on first try? Did I luck out, did someone out there work the universe so that we would meet and be the perfect couple? What are the chances or is it that I am older and can tell a good person when I see one. Am I wise enough now to pick the right one and just skip all the "MR wrongs" or am I just kidding myself. Sometimes I don't feel that I give enough to this relationship, maybe that is too Hollywood, maybe we are just suppose to eat, laugh, sleep together and that is living, that is love, that is a relationship.
I always want to be honest with Dave and so we talked about where we are, where we are going with this relationship. I told him some of my fears, I told him I don't feel I am giving this my all. He made me relax by saying that he has the same fears as I do. He said that he felt I give my all and that he is not giving 100%. What is love, what does it mean for people. How do you know you are 'in love', maybe even do you know at the time if you are in love, real love that is and not a crush or worse, lust. If love is fireworks, honestly I don't have those. Is love having a huge smile on my face when I think of him, is it knowing the little things I do for him will make him so happy, and in return makes me happy, is it feeling that his family, friends and work are very important to me because these are important to him. Is love that I feel as if we always knew each other, is love that at times he feels more like family. How do 'you' define love, I don' t know I have never been in love before, I just want to do this right.
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