Friday, September 21, 2007

I Miss God

When I was a child I was raised Catholic, everyone around me was Catholic and I went to a Catholic school. Needless to say God was a huge part of who I was. The only other religion I heard of was Anglican and I never even heard of an atheist until I was almost eleven, I can recall thinking, how could someone be so dumb as to not believe in God. My relationship with him was very real, similar to a member of my family. To the point of being afraid to look up if I had done something wrong. It was not only fear, there was joy and beauty there as well, we were always told of his unending love, about angels who we felt were always just out of sight, ready to do God's bidding and Mary, so pure to be chosen to carry God's only son. Like a second mother figure, when times turn rough, we could ask her to pray with us, intercede for us and like all loving mothers who look after their children, she would ask God to grant our prayers. I loved going to church, being part of a community, the smell of the wooden pews, ringing of the bells, singing, lighting candles. After there was a whole sub-event where the children played outside while the parents caught up on the latest news. It was also a time where the elderly people were still looked up to as if all of them were some how our grandparents and it was fun the way they teased and picked at the little kids. I use to think nothing would break that bond but a little child who was about to grow up gay, could not know the test that would come crashing down on him.

Through my teen years I did not see a problem with being gay and being Christian, more because of the fact that people did not acknowledge the existence of gay people. They knew that there were some out there but no one talked about it, certainly not in church. The conflict started in my twenties, fundamentalists began having more shows on TV and becoming very vocal against the gay community. I began to hear that I was against God, that the gates of Heaven were closed to me and the punishment that I would get was because I had chosen to sin, so even though God loved me, I had chosen to turn away from him. I also kept hearing that God would never make gay people, that what he creates is perfect, what about blind and deaf people etc, will they be punished for not using their eyes and ears. The main stream churches were silent on this issue for quite a while but when they realized they could fill the seats faster by using a scapegoat that everyone could hate, they began doing the same thing as well. The thing that ministers don't understand is that by saying this, it does not make me less gay, it makes me question religion and even the bible. The end result is not me turning straight but me now sometimes doubting the existence of God. The shear hypocrisy we see on TV, I think is one of the main reasons that so many gay people turn away from faith.

We used to be told the bible was inspired by God but written by man, now people go around saying that it is the direct word of God. If we read the bible literally that just does not hold true. I am really frightened by the new push to "dumb down" the followers. Science is the new devil and must not be listened to. Today it really hit home as I watched in total disbelief, a clip on YouTube where a christian woman argued with the hostesses of The View that she did not really believe the earth was round because the bible says other wise. Well wingnuts I did not choose to be gay but you certainly chose to be dumb. I had an argument at work with an evangelical christian, I tried to avoid it but he kept bringing up the subject until he finally made me angry. Keep in mind that he does not know I am gay. I told him I do believe Jesus was sent by God and since I don't see him as a someone who would lie, I accept that he said he is son of God. I said since he never was afraid to confront a subject, is it not strange that he never once mentioned gay people as sinners. He said it is in Corinthians (we all know the verse). I said it was written after Jesus was dead and it was written by a man. He said it did not matter because the men who wrote the bible were told by God what to say and you can not pick and choose. To be honest I was hoping he would say this because I had set a bit of a trap for that way of thinking. I asked him about the part in revelations (yes I quoted) where it says that the angels stood at the four corners of the earth and the part where the stars fell out of the sky upon earth. I asked him if God was telling him what to write, would God not already know that the earth was round without corners and that most stars were bigger than our sun and we would be fried long before they reached us. He thought for a minute and then said he was speaking only in allegory terms and that was not what was meant. I asked him, so we are not allowed to pick and choose what to believe unless we have to pick and choose?

The truth is behind us because we hold to the same story but I find they keep changing what they say. They at first said we chose this, we had to prove that was not the case. Then they said we can change, again now we know that is not true either. They kept throwing the against nature argument at us until science showed that homosexuality shows up a lot in nature, now they say who wants to act like an animal. I could go on and vent for ten pages more about this whole topic but for me personally my faith is forever damaged I can't get back that devotion I had as a child and some days, well.....I miss God.


Bill said...

Why must you always post such thought-provoking subjects? You sure do make it difficult to be shallow. First of all, I'm sorry that you miss God, but I don't think God misses you, because he's right there beside you at all times. For many years I struggled with the God concept. As I learned about all the horrible things humans have done to each other in the name of God I was disgusted and wanted no part of it. I finally realized that my problem is not with God at all, it's with man. For me, there's a difference between spirituality (our gift from God) and religion (created by man). I no longer believe in coincidence. Too many things happen around me that make me believe that God has a plan for me whether I choose to see it as such or chalk it up to coincidence. I think if you re-read your own blog, you will find the answers to your dilemma. God is with you and will not leave you, and he will be patient until you can see him once again.

john said...

God has always been there beside you, through all your troubled times. He will always be there for you and He will always love you.

Anonymous said...

I think Bill answered you beautifully. Don't let mere man stand in the way of your relationship with God. There are so many other things that you have to struggle with in your life, so why not invite God back in? We are all children of a loving God.

Vic Mansfield said...

For a long time I have felt that being gay was more curse than anything. i did not want it. Sometimes, I still go there.

But more and more, as I embrace it and give thanks for it, I see that it is gift.

What is the incarnation about, anyway, if not rejoicing in our createdness, our creature-ness. God says we are good.

It's just those damn Christians!