Scary Stuff, Scaaary Stuff!

 For the average person today is Halloween, now it's also a special day for people who follow a different path regarding religion and beliefs but I don't follow those paths so I can't speak about them. Debra from "She who seeks" and Leanna from "Can we have a new witch" are better at providing this type of viewpoint. Yesterday Maddie had some good thoughts about past Halloweens, they were about having fun, maybe we didn't have all the costumes etc that people have today but we had a lot of fun.

 I bought some of those little chocolate bars, I usually don't get kids coming to the door but it's better to be prepared.... and then eat them later if nobody comes. Unfortunately it's raining so hard today that there are weather warnings being given out, so I doubt if I will see one child. I have a scary movie lined up, it's "Get Out", I always wanted to see it and it was on sale for $4, so I bought it.

 Now I will turn this over to someone who understands Halloween better than I do. Mr Halloween himself. Hope this doesn't frighten you off!

Happy Halloween! Now remember... tomorrow is a work day so lay off the boos!

The Coward's way out.

 I did something minor last week that I truly regret doing. It caused me to miss out on one of life's good moments, and it also robbed someone of their chance to shine.

 After the meeting went so well with my school friend, I vowed this time it's going to be different. I waited a few days to let him get over the shock of seeing me again, then I started to text him. I think texting is one of the good modern inventions, it lets you drop in and out of someone's life without bothering them if they are busy. I hooked him into my texting vortex and he hasn't been able to escape yet. It's been great, we sometimes text until ten at night. One day he mentioned another school friend that he often meets up with, Chris. He said Chris was happy to hear we met up and also wants to see me.

 I already know that Chris turned out to be a really nice guy so I wasn't hesitant. My friend also assured me that he never said a word to Chris about my sexuality. I said I knew he wouldn't say anything. He also reassured me not to worry, he said Chris never judges anyone, he said that Chris is one of the nicest guys he hangs around with and also he knows for a fact that Chris is completely comfortable with the LGBTQ community.

 I hate the anxiety of going to tell someone that I am gay. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal but no matter what I tell myself, I'm still that confused and frightened teen back in the eighties. I knew it's time to tell Chris as well, I just wanted to get it over with so that it didn't ruin our reunion. In a moment of weakness I told my friend that I trusted his judgment, I told him that I hate telling people, it makes me anxious and I said he can tell Chris the next time he talks to him.

 That night I started to have regrets about saying that, I felt it was a coward's way out of telling someone. I felt that I had better tell Andrew in the morning that I would man-up and do it myself. It would probably be awkward, he might have questions but it wouldn't be a big deal. The following day however I got caught in things and completely forgot about my texting. Later that day I received a text from Andrew, he said Chris had popped by his work and they went out for lunch. He said he told Chris about me and about our conversation. I felt like, "oh well it's done" and was prepared to move on until I heard about Chris's reaction.

 Apparently when he told him, he said Chris actually lit up, he was so happy for me that I finally felt comfortable enough to tell them. Unlike my friend, he wasn't surprised and had it in the back of his mind all this time that I was probably gay, (that still bothers me lol). Andrew said to me, "I wish you were there Steven to truly appreciate how happy and supportive he was for you". That made me feel bad but then came more guilt. Chris told Andrew to say how proud he was of me and how brave he thought I was for telling them.. plus how happy he was for me.

 I knew in that second that I made a huge mistake not telling him, not only had I robbed myself of a life affirming moment, I also robbed Chris his moment to come through for me and shine, I took that away from him. I told Andrew that I felt later, I had taken the coward's way out, that I was trying to make it easier. I said in my defense that this doesn't come with a handbook on how to do it.

 Andrew said I shouldn't be so hard on myself, he said I am working through a lifetime of anxiety. He also said no one would blame me, he and Chris understand, they were there, they know exactly what it was like. He said the thing is now that I need to know, I have friends who are 100% behind me... and I must remember that.

 I was thinking to myself... don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... meh okay, maybe just a little this time!
;.)..

Bump... in the night.

Well it's almost here, this week Halloween will arrive. I feel it marks the end of fall and a beginning of an odd pre-winter time of year for us. I don't take part in Halloween but I think it's a fun event for those that do.

 In honor of the spirit of Halloween (or spirits) I want to ask you to recall something odd that happened to you. It can be anything, something strange that you can't explain. I will give an example that has followed me for years.

 When I was about six, one afternoon I lay down on the couch and fell asleep for a while. I had a headache and sometimes a nap cured it. When I woke up, I immediately started to look for my sister, there were just the two of us and I usually followed her everywhere.

 I asked my mom where my sister was and she said that she didn't know. I called her name and she didn't answer me. Then I heard her upstairs walking through the hallway. If you are standing in the kitchen and you look up towards the stairs, the midday sun shining through the upstairs  window, will create a perfect shadow of anyone walking through the upstairs hallway, there is no way to hide or avoid it. I saw what I thought was my sister, a short shadow walked from my bedroom across the hallway towards her bedroom. I heard her footsteps as well.

 I went to the bottom of the stairs and called her name a few times but she didn't answer. My mother suddenly said from the kitchen, "oh there she is outside with your father". I walked over to the door and looked out, to my surprise I saw Dad was fixing something and my sister was holding it for him. I asked mom who was upstairs, she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face and said no one.

 I went outside and once my sister was finished helping dad, I told her what I saw. We went upstairs to investigate, of course there was nothing there. To this day I have no clue what that was but my memory of it is still clear. I saw and heard something walk through the upstairs hall. Being somewhat of an atheist and a skeptic, my only explanation is that I was some how still in a partial dream after my nap. That's my explanation and I'm sticking to that one.

 What about you, was there ever something that you just filed away because it was too nutty to think about. You can either mention it in the comments or take it as a blog string and post about it on your own blog.

Everything I wished for and more.

 Sometimes when I send someone an email, google takes part of the paragraph and places it at the bottom of the email. Almost like a quote from a book, to give you an idea of what's inside. It's a little unsettling at times but it gave me today's title. I will get to the title later but first the lunch with my school friend.

 I was finally able to have lunch last week with my old classmate. I was going to tell him about me being gay but something happened that caused me to decide to wait for another time. When I posted about him being successful, many of you replied that maybe he had issues I don't know about. He didn't have an easy life to be honest and that's why I'm all the more impressed.

 The reason for my meeting was that he lost an older sibling to a horrific and senseless accident. He had two siblings much older than him and due to family tragedy when he was little, he viewed them almost asparents. When I sat down with him, I let him drive the conversation, I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it or talk about something completely different.

 When he started to explain how he realized that the person killed on the news, was his family member, he began to tear up and get emotional. That's when I realized that this lunch should be all about him and that me expecting a big coming out moment was selfish on my part. I decided then to not tell him, I would do it another day.

  We started talking about other things, he asked about my parents. We talked a lot, there was much catching up to do. He asked about my sister, I told him she is doing really well on all levels and that.. no.. she's not married with children, she has a partner and they have been together almost thirty years. He said, "ah that's wonderful"! Then he started saying things like, it must have been hard growing up gay in our area for her, the constant torture with slurs and sick jokes, he felt that it must damage a person to have to grow up like that, he was wondering how she could just try to ignore it, he was saying, "remember how bad it was with everyone always saying "fag fag fag" or "that's gay", he was already getting everything that I wanted to explain to him.

 I just heard this voice saying, "oh my gawd, this is it, this is your moment, now's the time, go ahead do it". I wanted to do it in a casual way but I started to have a meltdown. I started to choke on my words and my eyes watered. He suddenly became quiet and I said, "sometimes when someone is gay, it's very common for them to have a gay brother or sister as well". He sat back taking in what I was saying. I said, "I am too, I'm gay".

 He asked how long have I know, I told him most of my life, he was surprised by that answer. I asked him if he knew or suspected. He said no but that it did pop into his mind sometimes because I had all the qualities that he admires about gay people. I asked what he meant and he said because I'm thoughtful, respectful, introspective, selfless and because I like to see the bigger picture in life. He said growing up that some of his more interesting conversations were with me. We talked a lot, I said that I feel after all these years, I'm finally letting him meet the real me.

 Then we laughed and joked and laughed and joked and had a great afternoon together. When we were in the parking lot about to leave, I went to shake his hand, he said, "nooo, I want a hug out of this" I gave him the hug I've wanted to give him all my life. When the embrace was over he looked at me in a serious way and said, "I am truly... so sorry for making you feel that you couldn't tell me, I know you keep saying it's okay but it's not and I want you to know that". I felt like I had just been given a huge injection of happy. Many times I have had daydreams where he said something like that... and here it was actually happening.

 My coming out to him was everything I ever wished for all my life.. and more. I drove away thinking, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. :.)..

Don't tie me down!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am no longer interested in a long term relationship. I find that I waste my time being loyal to an idea that just seems to tie me down without any benefits. Every time I meet someone and get to know them, it seems to end in hurt feelings, misunderstandings or confusion about the relationship. I also find that I explore getting to know the person instead of getting to know more about my community. Then when the relationship is over, I have nothing.

 I'm going to explore my sexuality more and just generally... how to be a gay man. I feel a partner.. or trying to find a partner, would only be a block to that. I'm meeting people in the gay community, finally I have one foot in the door. I have been trying to figure out how to find my "people" and I think I have cracked the code. If during my social meetings, I happen to find someone that presses all the right buttons, then I am open to dating, it's just that now I'm no longer going to pursue it.

 I was feeling a little bit, "late to the party" but I met older men in their sixties and some of them have only recently come out, married a husband and are leading their true lives. A little inspirational when you think about it.

 As for my datesaster last week, I sent the man a nice message the following day. I think there is truly something wrong with him and there is no point being mean, I don't do mean. I said that I felt we have very different personalities, so going forward I was just going to thank him regarding joining me for dinner and I wished him good luck in finding someone. He sent a message back thanking me and we left it at that.

Aaaah! He's naked! O.O

 My adventures going to a nude Halloween party. Well of course it wouldn't be a blog post by me unless something bizarre happened. First the machine for the parking garage was broken so I had to find alternative parking, then every time I tried to buzz in, the intercom would die before I could hear the room number. Finally I got in and made my way up. When I entered... I was so so shocked! There were guys there with not a stitch of clothing on!!! WTF!!!

 Meh, it wasn't that awkward, mostly because everyone else is nude as well. I used to swim daily and then shower after. There would be fellow swimmers plus two floor hockey teams so it's common for men to be nude in a setting together.

 I have often heard that nudists are a very friendly down to earth group. In this case that is absolutely true. I wasn't the only first timer there either. There were two other guys, plus two guys coming for their second time. Everyone makes you feel welcomed. I'm not sure how to put this... but they are those type of guys that within minutes, you feel that you have already known them for a long time and you want to know more about them. They are all about, conversation, joking, laughing and just being friends in a group setting. They also think that by being nude, it levels the field, there is no where to hide your flaws. Well unless you are the 6'4 soldier that showed up, I couldn't find any flaws... no matter how many times I checked him over.

 They were all ages and it was interesting how everyone mingled, they don't sort themselves out into age groups like most of gay society. There were some really hot guys there, I mean reeeeally hot. I was thinking to myself as they arrived, "OH MY GAWD... I'M GOING TO GET TO SEE THAT GUY NAKED"! AAAAAAH! :D

 One guy walked in, so cute and I suddenly realized, "uh oh, I know him from somewhere". He's a young farmer, very handsome in a masculine way, lives about an hour++ from me, he also has a family, I'm not sure if they separated, I just pretended not to know him. Everyone thought he was straight but he said no that he is bisexual. He certainly was a flame to many of the gay moths.

 We had pizza, drinks and watched scary movies. A lot of conversation, a lot of connecting with each other. I wish that I had joined this group years ago, it was so easy, I always have to see everything as a mountain and never try entering a situation, I need to learn to "try" and then move on if it doesn't work out.

 Many of the guys were in the pride parade, I wouldn't have been alone if I had moved my butt sooner, I would have had friends there. Anyway I'm here now. I will definitely keep going to these events.

 An hour or so into the party, everyone realized that none of the straight male members had come that night. This changed the dynamics of what people are comfortable with and very much changed the direction of the party, thus I'm going to have to end your journey with me to the party here. ;D

You better sit down for this.

 My next big adventure is this evening. I have been planning something for two weeks but I haven't been blogging about it because that might put pressure on the situation. This way if I backed out, no one would know. However I am excited about doing it. I am boring, I know I'm boring and I wanted to do something completely out of my comfort zone. So tonight I'm going to an all male Halloween party. A new friend told me about a group of guys that seem to be cool.

 We are expected to dress up (there's a huge joke in here). There are restrictions on the type of costumes, basically you can cover part of your face, head, arms or legs but keep it to a minimum. Well I know it may sound odd... but not if you are going to an all male nudist Halloween party! Yes I'm serious, no I'm not joking.

 Well you have to admit this is really "out there" for me and I want to do it. It's just guys hanging out (no pun intended) so it's not Sodom and Gomorrah. Some bloggers have known about this, I needed backing. Actually it is not as stressful as I thought it was going to feel, hopefully I will enjoy myself. What do I say, "hello, nice to SEE you"! Wish me luck.