Well... that's pretty cool.

 I remember way back in the nineties when I was dating my then boyfriend Billy, a commercial for Christmas gifts came on the tv. It was from a hardware store, it featured two young men, one was saying that for Christmas he was going to get his father a chainsaw. The second guy said looking puzzled, that the first guy's father didn't have a fire place. The first guy said with a grin and a little twinkle in his eye, "no but we do" and I think he may have touched the second guy's shoulder or arm. My boyfriend was ecstatic, he pointed this out to me, clearly they were a couple, stores were finally starting to tap into the LGBTQ market. It was a depiction of "us" on the tube, no longer was the world trying to pretend we didn't exist.

 However our joy would be short lived. It turns out that thousands of little children saw this commercial and instantly converted into homosexuals. No of course that didn't happen but the wing nuts completely lost their minds over the commercial and threatened the store with boycotts and protests. Sadly the ads were pulled leaving us to realize that we were not part of society according to many people.

 Fast forward to last night, sometimes it is amazing to me with how much things have changed. I was watching a program and a commercial came on for red rose tea. A nervous young woman told her father that her best friend was actually her girlfriend, they had been talking over cups of tea, the father leaves the room only to return with a cup of tea for the girlfriend and asks her to tell him about herself.

  I said "wow", I know younger people won't see the meaning of the moment for me but it's still huge for me. A big smile on my part, not because a company was smart enough to tap into the LGBTQ market, they will always find ways to market products to different groups, it's that most people watching that commercial will agree with it. Most people would also look suspiciously at any group that would try to stop the commercial. Most companies would secretly welcome this type of fight now, they couldn't pay enough to appear to be an inclusive company fighting with a group of bigots. The free positive coverage would be an advertising jackpot for any company.

 Still, putting aside all thoughts of profits, bigots, equal rights etc, it certainly feels good for this gay man to look up at the tv and see a member of my community being portrayed in a simple tea commercial.

Baby Steps, Gaybe Steps.

 Regarding relationships, I think if we don't become disappointed with results that didn't turn out the way we wished, we can learn from the experience. That is how I'm comforting myself these days. I finally admitted to myself last week, that all the people I have been communicating with and met with, are a loss cause. They either never want to meet for some reason, are just looking for sex and nothing more or are damaged goods, damaged beyond having a normal friendship. I don't mean they are drug addicts or something like that, they could be obsessive workaholics or extremely negative towards life, making it impossible to form a healthy friendship/relationship with them.

 I am not upset that my efforts haven't paid off, I appreciate the experience of meeting new people, it was great practice for me. The first was my hardest, after the first one which was actually a no show, I was more determined to meet other guys and it gets easier I found. It shouldn't have surprised me (but it did) that the other person was really nervous about meeting me as well. I went in thinking that a coffee date was like a job interview, that I had to convince the other guy that I was worthy of his attention. I now see it as more of a meeting between two people, both hoping to impress the other, both hoping for a connection, it's not a competition to me now, it's a potential forming of a partnership. I just need to keep this in mind, then if we don't click, we are not compatible nothing more, I can't take it personally.

 I am going to wean myself slowly away from two people I have become friends-ish with, they are nice guys but their friendship is something I have to work at, I often hear if a relationship becomes a job, then it's time to rethink that relationship. I realized the other night that I don't have time to be focusing my personal life in an area that will lead nowhere.

 I have found some gay meet up groups, I think my focus should be in that direction, they are people looking for friendships and a community, I realise that the dating sites were never about that, even the friendship sections were about anonymous sex to 99.9% of the users. I have a realistic expectation about trying this route, I will probably fail in my first attempts but hopefully I will find something.

Now About The Roofers. ;)

Before everything went ass over apple cart, if you recall I was having my roof done. That Saturday morning a young guy pulls in, friendly type about thirty maybe younger, a fellow ginger with the short styled hair and a modern neatly kept beard, like many young men have now, he was more of a cub type, husky but in good shape. A second truck pulled in and it was the really hot guy, (yesss ;-) with him was another young guy about twenty three or so, a very ordinary looking guy, a lot more lean than the other two but I still wondered what he would look like naked, I know most of you do it to, don't judge me (lol). There was a different type of guy for me to choose from!

 The weekend before had been insanely hot with really high humidity. I didn't want them to have to suffer through something like that but I was hoping for sunshine and shirts off weather! Unfortunately no... mother nature you b... female dog! It was cold, really cold and as the day went on there was no sun. Not only were the guys wearing shirts, they pulled on their hoodies because a cold wind came up and was chilling them. Seeing my men all bundled up in baggy clothes, I pointed towards the sky grumbling, "ok now you're just being mean".

 They were half finished by the end of the day and would return Sunday morning. That night the temperature went below freezing. The next morning was sunny at least with no breeze, it was still cool enough out but suddenly something wonderful happened. The sunshine heated up the shingles and hour by hour the men began to strip down. I could see how well they fit in their t-shirts, even the lean guy, his job made him well muscled. Then it happened, the hot guy crossed his arms and peeled of his shirt! Oh boy, it was everything in my daydreams, plus he was sweaty in a sexy way. The other guys never did take their shirts off but I drooled all day over the hot guy. To top it off, as the day was ending, I watched him use the garden hose as a shower to cool off, our water gets extremely cold fast and it was funny to hear him yell when it was too much, then he tried to spray the younger guy. I was hoping for a water fight in their underwear but it didn't happen. There were moments when he was working right outside a window and I thought about snapping a picture for the blog but I felt that would be so wrong.

 I'm still mad at mother nature, the next couple of weekends were back to unusually hot and sunny, hot enough that the other two probably would have gone shirtless, maybe they would even have to wear shorts, mmmm think about that, three young men shirtless, in shorts while wearing work boots and a tool belt.

Red Sky, Sign of a Better Day.

 You know the old saying about a red sky at night, a colorful sunset gives the promise of a better day to follow. That's all anyone can hope for, that tomorrow will be a better day if you have been having trouble in life. I am happy to say that things seem to be settling down with mom, each night she sleeps a little longer and each day she eats a little better. The New medications seem to be working, I understand that this is temporary, one month, six months or a year until she becomes immune to their effect and we will be back to step one but for now, she is becoming contended again, I can only hope it keeps progressing towards a more comfortable life.

 The other evening I went to go outside and was greeted by this colourful sunset, one of the beauties of life, a sign of a better day coming. I had spent time with mom and things were changing on the positive side for once, I finally saw a glimmer of hope. I thought the sunset was a fitting end to my day. As with most things of beauty in nature, the colours were fading quickly, I snapped a few photos and suddenly everything was gone, maybe just like our time here, we have moments of beauty and suddenly it's over.

Comfortably Gay.

 I sometimes surprise myself with how comfortable I have become with being gay. This didn't happen overnight it was years in the making. I think back to a time when I would have completely denied being gay, even if you walked in on me having sex with two guys while gay porn played on the VCR to pumping dance tunes..... and wearing glitter, well you get the idea. As a side note, how sad is it that the spell checker doesn't recognize "VCR" but auto corrects Kardashian.

 A few days ago I was getting medication for my mother and the pharmacist technician behind the counter, came out to speak with me. This man is very, very gay, he is a cute little guy of about 5'6, he has a comical perky type of personality. He came up to me and said "Hi Andrew, Mike, Denis"? I laughed pointing to myself saying Steve! I was wondering what he wanted, I didn't realize he came out to take my requests as there were people ahead of me being served. I asked what he wanted and he said as a joke, "I'm wondering if you are free tonight" then he laughed and asked for the prescriptions. I handed him the prescription and said "why yes I am free tonight", he looked at me startled! I figured now it's my turn to catch him off guard. Again I said, "I am free tonight", he didn't know what to say, he was a little taken back, he blushed a little, he was probably wondering if I was joking. Actually I was half joking, if he became bold and asked me out, I was ready to go out with him, I think he is adorable, like a carebear.

 I went to sit down and wait for the prescription to be filled. After I paid for the medication at the cashier, I watched for him as I was leaving, I didn't see him which was sad because I had an answer ready for him, should he asked could he do anything else for me, I was going to say, "yes, why don't you give me your phone number". I would have really rattled his cage, that would have been funny. Either way I figured there would be no harm in it, he would either say he was with someone and no thanks or we would have been going out.

 Later that evening I was thinking about our flirting, I was doing it with people around, in the area where I grew up, plus even just the fact that I did it was a huge leap for me. I didn't feel worried after, about who may have overheard or saw what was happening, I don't care. A few days later I was back, as I started to request my order he pretended not to understand me, then he said to me that I have to speak French to him. I did speak French to him, he seemed surprised, he said "I'm impressed" I said thanks and then told him he is a brat! He said "I'm a what"?  We both burst out laughing.

 He is around my age but is a small guy, I find him cute, he's slightly effeminate but it works for him. I'm usually attracted to masculine men, I like to think that I'm masculine-ish in personality, slightly nerdy, slightly awkward; however this man presses all my alpha male buttons, I would like to be the top to his bottom. It felt good to flirt and I never even thought of it as a gay thing, just me teasing another person I was interested in... who happened to also be a man. Maybe I can get myself a good deal on drugs as well... lol.    

Tornado day.

Thanks to climate change, Monday was a tornado so I was off work. A tornado day is like a snow day, you can't go to work because of the bad weather, only this time instead of snow banks blocking us, the city was trashed and many places were shut down. Friday we had a high F3, a high F2 and an F1 tear through the Ottawa area. Amazingly since most people were still at work and school, there were no deaths. Many areas look like a war zone or like we live in tornado alley. Many of you are probably thinking, "I didn't know Canada gets bad tornadoes like that in September", we don't. Tornados this powerful have never happened before anywhere in Canada in September. A few in summer out west but we used to get mostly F0 or F1. It will be interesting to see how the deniers will scramble to explain away this. I feel so bad for the people who have no home to return to, actually many don't even have a street to return to.

 It's after one in the morning and I am sitting in the hospital with mom. She thought she was having chest pains again and so the home is obligated to treat it as a heart attack. We have been here since 8 p.m. and we finally saw a doctor. My diagnosis was anxiety, I know because I know mom. She still hasn't slept and I think her new medications are too strong for her system even though they don't work. I predict that they will do nothing, it's a wasted night. After many test they said it's anxiety, that there is nothing they can do, a waste of time. Welcome to my life.

 I don't know how she can keep this up, I'm exhausted and want to sleep, she has been walking non stop in circles around the room since 8 p.m. no exaggeration, I can't even get her to sit down. We are waiting for a final blood test and then we can go home after two in the morning. Guess I will miss work tomorrow.

All Tunnel, no light.

 I appreciate all the support, I have always known how awesome the people in the blogosphere are, both readers and bloggers. The truth is I don't always feel sad about the events happening regarding my mom's health and dementia, I had to stop constantly feeling sad years ago, I just feel drained. I was talking to my sister yesterday and we both agreed that as hard as it was taking care of my father when he was dying, at least we could see a light at the end of the tunnel. With mom it's all tunnel and no light, we have no time line, she could go on like this for weeks, months and most likely years.

 I spent part of the day with her yesterday, she ate for me on her own, we watched "I Love Lucy" I know she is much more calm with me around, I'm probably her only anchor left to her former life. I often wonder what she thinks regarding her situation,  the confusion must be torture at times. The other day she said to one of residents who is still sharp as a tack, "I don't think they are ever going to let me go home". That made me feel sorry for her, she doesn't see her place as a home, more like a hospital and she thinks she is recovering, often asking when are we coming to pick her up.

 I am stressed at times but there is nothing new here, this is my new normal, everything goes off the rails, we keep trying different medications until we find one that works and then we are good for about four to eight months until they suddenly no longer work and then back to square one. Sometimes I just lose interest in things because of the stress I guess. Anyway everyone has problems in life, mine are not any more important than any one else's. I'm just letting you know that is happening with me, I'm not going to turn this into a "poor me" blog, I try to take in my own moments even between crises.