Now "I" was the jerk!

 I am lazy about blogging, I think it's because of it being summer and there are outside things I should be doing. I'm so useless now compared to what I could get done ten years ago.

 This time I was a big fat insensitive jerk! I have been communicating with a couple of guys that I am interested in dating, two I have met so far. What I failed to pay attention to, was one guy I had become friends with, he is a little odd, a little geeky not someone I see myself dating. However he is really excited to have made a gay friend. I know he is lonely, he is older than me and is not fully out.

 This guy is an open book with me, clearly he wants a friendship and maybe more. Unlike the other guys who make me feel like I'm pulling teeth to get a response from them at times, he sends me long emails and usually promptly after I send him one. The other day he sent me an email telling me more about what his interests are, questions about me, my interests etc, etc. I was meeting and chatting with the other guys and forgot to reply for a...... week! He then sent me an email saying he can read between the lines, that I wasn't that interested in knowing him, he was sorry to have bothered me and he wished me luck. Oh boy did I feel like dog doo, he was partly right, I did find him a little annoying but at any other time, I would have embraced the friendship.

 I did some major butt kissing and apologizing, I never want to make someone feel less than appreciated, quirks or no quirks, he is a nice guy and deserved better from me. I was thinking about how hurt I would feel if a new friend brushed me aside for someone else. I confided in another blogger (who I trust) and he confirmed that I was garbage and I should feel like the pile of garbage I am, (lol you can claim your chastising if you're brave enough).

 Anyway I'm in the works to meet this guy and who knows, life being as strange as it is, maybe this will turn out to be my future husband. The point of this post however is I'm a jerk, a big fat mean jerk.

Forgetful in Reverse?

 I find myself being very sensitive with anything that involves me being forgetful. I'm frightened actually because of mom. She started showing signs of dementia at 66, now when we think back, there were other signs long before that time. Also her younger brother began showing signs of dementia around the same time even though he is five years younger. I sometimes wonder if I only have ten years left.

 Possibly, I think I have reversed thinking dementia and I only mean this in a light hearted way, I'm not in panic over it.... yet. Many people (including my mother) will begin to collect things because they believe they are out. For instance they will go to the store and buy their favorite jar of jam because they are out; however when they place that jar in the cupboard, there are jars and jars of the same jam already there, they forgot that they have already bought it.

 Now I seem to have become the opposite, I am the type of person who sees his favorite product on sale and buys a large amount of that product because eventually I will run out and why not already have it on hand at a reduced cost. The other night it had become cool out and I just wanted something lite for supper. I decided on my favorite soup; however when I went to the cupboard, there was none. This really surprised me because I remember buying a lot when it was on sale, not only that but it had been on sale again last week and I didn't buy any because I believed that I already had a shelf full. Sometimes I'm startled by that, does it mean anything or am I just getting older.

 I had been in the routine of buying my favorite products but I ran into the problem of being overwhelmed with trying to use everything before it expired. I then started to hold off until my supplies were low. I did it again this morning, I was in the store yesterday and this morning I am out of coffee. The reason is the same reverse thinking, I remember buying coffee on sale to have some extra on hand and so I ignored the sales of my brand of coffee yesterday. In my mind I saw extra jars in my cupboard, this morning reality says otherwise. I felt startled by this, does it mean something serious I secretly wonder to myself. I should say coffee is not that big of a deal to me like it is for some people, I sometimes like to have a cup in the morning and I like to have it on hand in case of guests but I never have it during the day.

 There is one thing I don't second guess about buying on sale, that's toilet paper. All you need to do is forget to buy it once and you don't make that mistake again, so I pick up a package every time I see it on sale. You will always remember forgetting it especially if the closest store only has the cheap no-name brands, that feels like sandpaper on your bottom! It's always better to have too much toilet paper than not enough. Hey I see another t-shirt slogan!

When I became, "that guy".

 Nature can be beautiful even at its most frightening. Take for instance lightening, at night when a storm is passing in the distance, watching can be almost breath taking. Lighting up the distant sky, seeing the flashing streaks connecting earth and clouds. Beautiful from afar, not so much when it's overhead.

 Tonight I noticed the sky lighting up, we had storms earlier but everything had cleared up, the stars were out when I sat down to watch tv. I decided to watch the evening show out my window instead. I thought it was heat lightening at first but soon realized it was another approaching storm. Even though this was a storm, it reminded me of the first time I saw heat lightening.

 I was very young, around five years old and I had spent the day at a local church fair, in those days, the church picnics were more like small country fairs. It was getting late and my dad noticed one of our older neighbours had been drinking all afternoon, worried he decided to drive the man home. Since my mom was still volunteering at the picnic we had to go with my father. My dad went into the house with the man to talk and hopefully get some coffee into him. While waiting on my dad in the car, my sister and I were fascinated with a pinkish flash of light across a clear, star filled night sky. Unfortunately after a few cups of coffee the man pulled out a huge bottle of alcohol and started drinking directly from it. My father gave up and came back to the car. We pointed out the lights and he called it heat lightening.

 The man was a typical bachelor in our area, a good neighbour, kind, hard working. Probably too shy to meet people, these men often never ventured away from the farm or family business to even have the opportunity to meet someone. Later after their parents passed away, they were alone and lonely, there was not  much else to do in those days so many picked up the bottle. Some of those guys got married late in life, at that time being in your fifties was almost considered a senior citizen. They often said if they could only go back in time, they would have married much sooner. I always felt sorry for those guys, to be alone all the time, no family at Christmas, sitting in your house alone every evening. Later on as well when I learned about sex, I couldn't see someone not being in a relationship, being loved and enjoying the fun of sex. I often felt they wasted a huge part of their life. I think that is why many tried to wipe those thoughts away with alcohol.

 Now it's hard to accept but time quickly flew by and before I knew it, I became "that guy". I don't drink but I am addicted to other things to keep my mind from thinking about where I am in life. I feel I wasted my time here on earth, that my goal was to take part in life with other people and I didn't. I am that lonely guy, the one I felt pity for even at the young age of five, the one I vowed not to become. Even if I meet some great guy now, I am the guy saying I should have done it years ago, because they finally see life is better when shared with someone.

 It's strange to think of that little boy gazing out the car window, one moment staring at the night sky, another moment watching a man through a kitchen window, drinking straight from a bottle. I learned about heat lightening that night, I just wish I understood the other lesson better.

Coffee date professional.

 Again I kept this under my hat but I had arranged to meet another guy for a coffee date. I didn't want to be embarrassed again if it didn't work out and I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. It actually went very well and I will get into it more but I saw something last night I thought was sweet.

 I don't like most reality shows but I like the dance competition type shows, the ones with real dancers and not washed up stars insulting the craft. Currently I am watching World of Dance, I really enjoy the people from all over the world competing, all different styles, ages and cultures. Last night a young couple came out to dance, the young woman was very cute and the young guy was very handsome. Before they even started you could feel the chemistry between them. The dance was a contemporary piece simulating the struggles in a relationship. They did such an excellent job, you could feel the passion between the two.

 When it end the judges asked if they were a couple in real life, to everyone's surprise, the women answered no, that he was a part of her but they were not a couple. The judges and audience were "awwwing" in disappointment. I was surprised as well. That just shows how much talent they had to make you believe they loved each other through a simple dance. I was extremely impressed. One judge said it seemed so real and then my favorite part of the evening happened. The young woman said "no we are not together, I actually have a boyfriend" and the young man said "and... I also have a boyfriend" the judges and audience cheered loudly with that twist and laughed at their assumption. That guy was gorgeous, I said out loud to myself, "your boyfriend is one bleep'n lucky guy"! I can't imagine getting to go home every night to that guy lying in your bed! Mostly I loved the surprise twist and the cute way he slipped it in.

 Anyway back to my second successful coffee date. I got there a little early. I was nervous in the beginning. He looked a little different than his picture but still cute enough. He is a little shorter than me but that's ok. He is the softer type of gay guy but sweet softer, not effeminate if that makes any sense. I liked it, he gave me goose bumps. I was not really into meeting with this guy because I did a terrible thing and pre-judged him, basically because of the culture and country he is from. I hate when other people do that and yet here I was doing the same thing. I am so glad that I went through with meeting him. I found it was actually easier to talk to him than it was with the last guy. Plus this time the conversation was even on both sides, the last guy talked a lot about his job.

 We joked about the people we have emailed with on the site, we crossed referenced the creepy ones and took notes from each other on who to avoid. After two hours we said our goodbyes, we agreed to meet again. We both want more gay friends to hang out with and he was easy to talk to. I found that I just wanted to snuggle him up like a teddy bear. As the old people used to say, "we will see".

Strawberry basket mystery.

I didn't go out much this weekend, it was hot again and I wanted to get caught up on laundry etc. As part of a group taking care of a cemetery, I had to do some work there but other than that I was at home. Some of my friends were going out to a restaurant, it's not fancy but the food is delicious, they asked me to come along and so I did.

 When I got back home I thanked them for the evening out and waved goodbye. As I was about to enter the house, I noticed an empty strawberry basket sitting on the bench of my deck. I found that strange, that was the only sign indicating someone was here. Did I miss a visitor, my car had been left in my yard, did they think I was sleeping or wouldn't answer the door. Why leave an empty strawberry basket, where are the strawberries? What happened to them, maybe they became angry waiting and ate them all.

 I checked my email, text and phone but nobody left a message saying "we stopped by but no one was home". I text a few of my friends but none had been here. This will drive me crazy and I will probably never find out the answer. It also makes me feel uneasy to have someone walking around while I wasn't home. Here all weekend and the second I go away someone drops in... typical. Now why would they leave an empty basket.

Human to Human Interface Accomplished.

 Well... I didn't want any questions or be embarrassed if this didn't work out again so I wasn't going to mention this but I had arranged for another coffee date and I was hoping it wasn't going to be three strikes and you're out. This time the person was really determined to meet and that felt really good. I had wanted to meet this guy for a long time but he didn't seem interested, turns out the guy had lost his job and was scrambling to find another.   Once he had that taken care of, he came looking for me, so that felt good.

 I like a tall guy, I mean height has no bearing on who I would date but I do like my men tall. I am only about 5'8 so it's easy to be taller than me, at 6'2 he pressed my buttons immediately. As I arrived a little early, I saw him outside waiting for me, a good sign I felt. He was actually better looking in person than his pictures which is unusual, also it tells me that he is not hung up on looks. His eyes caught my attention, they didn't really show up in his photos but in real life you are drawn to them. I was nervous but worked hard to hide it. He was friendly and outgoing, easy to talk to. I was scanning for faults, one clear one is his obsession with his work but I can over look that. He did excuse himself to check his phone a few times, annoying but I understand the nature of the type of work he is in.

 We have a lot in common, we have had a lot of the same experiences in life. We have a lot of the same outlooks on gay life, family and friends. The coffee date lasted over three hours so I think it went well, he gave me a warm hug before he left and we are keeping in contact. I am hoping to at least get a friendship out of this but to be honest I would like a lot more from this guy. I am not going to make too much out of this, life has given me reason for caution, we will see. Also it's really hard to post today since last night blogger keeps crashing and it's hard to stay on my train of thought when the site goes down every two or three minutes.

Little Gay Ears.

 When I was younger, we would sometimes listen in on what the adults were saying, especially the parts we were not supposed to hear. My mom always had a way of sensing what we were up to and would say that it's better for the adults to continue later as "little ears" were listening.

 I was thinking about some visits I had recently with straight friends. They would eagerly ask me if I met anyone yet, then go on to discuss what type of guys I like, how do I meet people. Usually they finish up with the encouraging statements about meeting the right guy some day and about me making someone a good boyfriend, the usual dating conversation only with a gay theme.

 Many of my younger friends have children entering into the pre-teen and teen years. I was
thinking about these conversations and about what if there were little gay ears listening, how incredibly important and what a positive impact conversations like these would have. Imagine a child realizing that they are gay, maybe feeling anxious about it, only to hear their parents talking openly and positively about gay relationships with gay friends. They would grow up feeling normal, feeling accepted, they would live in a completely different universe to the one most of us experienced. I hope all the little gay ears out there get to hear those messages.